How important really is treating all children exactly the same?

[GreatNo]

And is it even possible in a lot of blended families?

I have 2 DSC and 1 DC of our own.

I have never attempted to have the same relationship with them, and therefore this naturally leads to them not being treated exactly the same either (by me).

I have never had a mother child relationship with my SC. They have no vacancy for that in their lives, no need for it. They have a mother. So there is a stark difference in my relationship with my step children and my relationship with my son.

I would say it's fairly obvious, not maliciously so, that I have a very different love for my son than my SC. Same with my family, they are far more involved with my son than my step children. If asked why, I imagine my parents answer would be 'but they have their grandparents?'. Again, not cruelly, but no one has ever seemed to need those extra types of relationships.

Is it really that terrible? Having read a lot of posts on here the 'treat them all exactly the same' line seems to get pushed hard or children will be traumatised into adulthood. Is this the case do you think?

I am a step child myself, my step parents are great and certainly a positive in my life, but I don't have any half or step siblings, I was the only child in the scenario on both sides so I don't have anything to directly compare this aspect to.

Do you really think it's necessary for step parents, and even then their extended family, to treat all the children exactly the same? Is it even possible in all cases? And if so, what does that even look like when you've never had that parent - child relationship prior to your own DC?

It’s not important that you treat them the same - I think it is important that their father does, because that’s where the relationship is the same. They’ve got a mum, you don’t need to do that.

I have 2 children, one with my husband and one from a previous relationship. My husband treats them both equally. He has an amazing relationship with my eldest. Honestly I don't think we would of stayed together if he didn't. His family are wonderful with her too. She calls his parents granny and grandad and they treat her the same as their other grandchildren. My eldest is also very close with her actual dad and his parents. My husband and his family have not replaced them in any way.

I have a stepdad too and he treats me the same as he treats my half brother. He even walked me down the ailse at my wedding.

I think it's so important to treat all the kids the same. I would hate for my daughter to ever feel left out or awkward around my husband or my inlaws. Honestly I am so thankful for how accepting they have been of her.

I under this may not be so easy in all instances but I think that kids know if they are being treated differently. It's up to the adults to be the ones to put the effort in. It's not about replacing their mum, you will establish your own relationships with them.

@Thinkingaboutme

I have 2 children, one with my husband and one from a previous relationship. My husband treats them both equally. He has an amazing relationship with my eldest. Honestly I don't think we would of stayed together if he didn't. His family are wonderful with her too. She calls his parents granny and grandad and they treat her the same as their other grandchildren. My eldest is also very close with her actual dad and his parents. My husband and his family have not replaced them in any way.

I have a stepdad too and he treats me the same as he treats my half brother. He even walked me down the ailse at my wedding.

I think it's so important to treat all the kids the same. I would hate for my daughter to ever feel left out or awkward around my husband or my inlaws. Honestly I am so thankful for how accepting they have been of her.

I under this may not be so easy in all instances but I think that kids know if they are being treated differently. It's up to the adults to be the ones to put the effort in. It's not about replacing their mum, you will establish your own relationships with them.

This is lovely and it’s great that you’ve had this dynamic but I’ll take a guess that your partner lives with your child (his step child) all the time, if not most of the time? That is quite a different a scenario to one where the sc do not live with or spend a significant amount of time with the sp.

When there are multiple children in the same household it’s obviously far more important to try and be equitable so to avoid arguments of favouritism or one feeling pushed out etc.

But be realistic, do you really believe that I should have the same relationship with my step kids who come once a week for 18 hours as I do my own children, that I gave birth to and spend the majority of my time with? That would be impossible.

I treat them the same as in they have the same house rules and get the same access to food, clothes, entertainment etc. But do I care the same? No. Do I worry about them the same? No. Do I expect my friends and parents treat my step children like my own - no. They have their own grandparents and extended family.

The important thing is a solid, healthy and respectful (both ways) relationship with them - it doesn’t have to be a parental one.

Children need to be treated equally and fairly. Which isn't the same as being treated the same.

I don't think it's meant literally, treating everyone "the same" would be ridiculous if not impossible!

Treating them equally by giving them attention, care and opportunities when needed is a better way of putting it.

Of course the dynamic of your relationship with children who live with you will be different to a child who stays 2 nights a week or something.

Exactly the same and equally and fairly are quite different things.

I think a huge amount also depends on the ages of the children and the family set up. For example, if your DC and the Step-DC are resident in your home full time, it is very different to if the Step-DC are only there every-other-weekend. (Or if the step-dc are with you most of the time and your own children are from a previous relationship and only with you sometimes). Also things are different if, for example, your DC is a baby and the step-DC teenagers compared to if you have a six year old step-daughter and a 4 year old daughter, for example.

As a step-parent you don't need to be their mother, they have a mother. And realistically you will probably have different feelings for your own child than your step-children. But you shouldn't blatantly favour your own child is what is usually meant.

I was a stepchild and welcomed into my stepmother’s family as much as any of the other grandchildren. I already had two sets of lovely grandparents but as the child of divorce I definitely struggled with where I belonged in my families and it it was so nice to be included with my step-siblings. I don’t believe people —especially children— have a finite number of “slots” for different roles in their lives. Families come in all different forms but no child has ever been harmed by getting more love.

@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur

Children need to be treated equally and fairly. Which isn't the same as being treated the same.

I agree with this. Although I do think when it comes to house rules etc it's vital the rules are the same for everyone. And their parent should treat them all as if they are his own (which they are!)

@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur

Children need to be treated equally and fairly. Which isn't the same as being treated the same.

^ this ^

I have a lot of resentment because I was forced to do things because my brother had eg choice of VI form, having driving lessons for my 17th birthday when I didn't want to learn to drive.

@Kanaloa

It’s not important that you treat them the same - I think it is important that their father does, because that’s where the relationship is the same. They’ve got a mum, you don’t need to do that.

This with bells on.

My own dc now have very little contact with their Dad or stepmum because of the huge difference in the way their Dad treated them and their half siblings.

It was heartbreaking at the time and dd is now in therapy trying to come to terms with it. Ds just refuses to talk about it

My ex husband is entirely to blame. He's despicable.

I think it's important to treat them all fairly, rather than exactly the same.

I don’t thing the relationship is the same, and I agree that you are unlikely to feel the same about a teen you met aged 12 and now see EOW, as you do about your own child, but I do think they should be treated fairly. Lavish birthday celebrations versus a small gift; holidays for your own child that don’t include step DC. Just remember that your own children get to live in their home with both their parents all the time, not shuttle between houses never quite feeling where they should be.

In a nuclear family you cannot treat every child the same. You can only give them the same family equity and leave it up to them how they use the resources provided, this includes social and monetary resources.

However it is up to DP to make sure the equity is the same for all his children but often the step parent (mainly step mums) who are the ones left picking up the slack when they fail to do that.

It's important that both mum and dad in a blended family don't show favouritism to either their biological child. This swings for both the second child and the step children. On this board that's not the case and some posters think completely acceptable if SC are shown preference because they cannot handle the fact the first family broke.

It seems to me that a lot of Disney dads do show favouritism to stepchildren when they come to visit by letting their guilt show aka eating junk, staying up late and allowing rudeness that wouldn't be allowed if perpetrated by second child.

It's seems to me a lot of DM expect their childs life to not change when they have a sibling or step sibling and push that "any change experienced" is them being pushed out when in fact they are experiencing what every child goes through when I'm nuclear family a sibling is produced.
The status quo cannot be maintained because like it or not that child of second family is just as deserving of joining family life as any stepchildren.

I also think it's the adults that have more issues with blended families opposed to the actual kids.

You have to treat them fairly and on many things that means treating them the same e.g. you can't allow your own child three crumpets whilst giving the DSC only two.

But no one said you have to feel the same.

But we've all seen families where the expectations on behaviour are different, and that's shit.

"But be realistic, do you really believe that I should have the same relationship with my step kids who come once a week for 18 hours as I do my own children, that I gave birth to and spend the majority of my time with? That would be impossible."

My daughter goes to her dad's 2 days a week. He has also remarried and has a son with his wife. My daughter speaks so well of her step mum. They go to the cinema together, go for dog walks just the 2 of them. She has made the effort to build a relationship with my daughter which is seperate to her son. I couldn't tell you if she worries about my daughter when she isn't around but I can tell you that I see how loved my daughter is so I feel like I don't have to worry when she is staying with them. Her parents also treat her as a grandchild. I completely agree that no two children can be treated the exact same, what I mean is treated as equals. Not blatantly favouring one over another. My daughters step mum will never replace me as her mother she has become another inportant adult in her life, another person she can talk to about problems at school, another adult that she can trust.

Oh excuse the spelling mistakes, I'm still wakening up

Thanks for the replies! It's an interesting topic and one I often think there can't be any one set answer as everyone's situations are just so different i.e. someone may meet a step child at 2 months old and their other parent isn't involved whereas someone else may meet them at 12 with 2 heavily involved parents. Those two situations will likely lead to hugely different blended families.

I understand the whole 'don't give your child 3 crumpets whilst your step child gets a glass of water and slice of bread' thing. But when it comes to "favouritism" and things like that I guess it depends what you mean by it. I don't favourite my son in the sense that the rules are the same in the house for all children, he doesn't get away with things that my step children wouldn't. But I do if you're talking about closeness, affection, things I do for him etc.. for example I would go out of my way to plan a birthday party for my son whereas I would leave that mostly to DSCs parents. I think where this comes in mainly though is grandparents. My husband's parents of course treat all their grandchildren the same. But my parents definitely don't see my DSC as their grandchildren and they don't treat them as such. My son will regularly get taken out for days out, have treats bought for him, more spent at birthdays and Christmas, they are visibly more in love with him when they visit.

My step children have genuinely never seemed bothered by this. They still get on with my parents, will talk, have a laugh, do get gifts, but they don't seem to really care that they aren't treated equally to my son by them as they definitely don't think of my parents as their grandparents.

I'm not talking my son sitting opening mountains of presents whilst they get a chocolate bar. That has never happened, we'd just open gifts when they aren't there but it is obvious to anyone that my son gets a lot from his grandparents (my parents) by way of both monetary and time/experiences that my SC don't get.

I've never really found it a problem, but I think many on here would think it were.

Or another example is that I don't feel any need to make up for things that SCs parents don't think are important / want to do for them if I wanted to do them for my son.

For example there was a hobby a while ago one of my SC wanted to do. Neither of their parents wanted to really put much effort into sorting it out or arranging who would be able to take and collect them. I spoke to DH about that at the time and said I thought he and ex should do more to try and make it happen if SC wanted to but it fizzled out in the end and didn't happen. I wouldn't not take my son to a hobby now if he wanted to go though just because SCs parents won't take them.

Same with savings. I am saving for my son and hopefully he'll have a nice amount when he's older there for him, I don't believe SCs parents are (well I know DH isn't) but I'm not really interested, I don't feel it's anything to do with me nor is it up to me to either save for SC as well or stop saving for DS.

These are things where the equal / same thing gets confusing for me. Because unless I do these things myself, it's not really possible to if their parents aren't.

@GreatNo that's because equality and equity are different. The biological parent is the person to provide the equity, not the step parent. Can you tell I'm into investing? Anyway Equality cannot really happen in blended or nuclear families as needs are different from child to child.

If DH was putting into a saving account for DC then he should do the same for SC. However you are putting for DC solely alone then that's your choice. Mum also has that choice if she wants to. You both had the same choice but chose differently. That's no to say either sides choice is wrong, just different.

Such as DP and DM has a choice to improve SC equity by investing in time for SC to do the hobby. They didn't, that's ok. But that shouldn't limit what you do.

Everyone gets to decide their own investment levels with their DC.

What happens on this board mostly is people expect the SM to reduce/apologies her equity she spends with her DC at the risk of it being perceived as unfair by SC. When really if the SC are missing out ... well maybe it's up to the parents to address that or chose not to.

I think with savings what you're doing is fine. It's up to each of the children's parents to save for their own children. The only time it might get a bit tricky is if you share all your finances with your partner or one of you is a SAHP. But even then it should be possible to work out an amount that is allocated to each child to either spend on them or save and if you decide to save then so be it.

I think what works for some families doesn't work for others as we all have different needs and wants.

My DH overcompensates with dss. He's got better but has deep seated insecurities in his parenthood because of his ex. He has dss 40% and does things to make himself needed to his son. It's pretty fucked up what his ex has done to him and then to his relationship with dss.

I have been struggling massively with dh overcompensating, I don't know what it's like to have my dc not need me and another parent constantly telling them that I'm a shit parent. I don't need to make my dc want to spend time with me by bribing them and letting them dictate. I have no idea of the fear my dh experiences. So dss does get more then my dc in some ways. He gets little toys that he collects plus pocket money, plus days out and the list goes on.

But I don't feel it's unfair on my dc that live with dh. I did for a long time but I've very recently come to the revelation that my dc are absolutely fine. They're different ages for one, but me and my dc do do things together. We have our own routines and treats that benefit them massively and it's not all monetary value. My dc don't need the additional treats dh gives to dss. I don't want my dc spoiled like that and they're very happy. They have hobbies that cost and that dss doesn't have as his parents can't get things like that together. My dc know where they are with me and that is worth more than anything extra dh gives to dss.

If I had 5 crumpets to share between the kids I'd give DSD 3 and DS 2 because she is 10 and he is 2.
If they were aged 8 and 6, I'd give them 2 each and eat the 5th myself
Treating kids equally isn't as important as treating them fairly and appropriately IMO.
So much damage is done by needless handwringing and victim complexes being foisted on kids, who would be absolutely fine if left to their own devices.

I think Mumsnet can be quite contradictory on this. Step mums are meant to treat SC like their own while simultaneously being frequently berated for over stepping if they express any kind of negative opinion. I think it's just another stick to beat step mum's with.

I would say the most important thing is to be kind to them and let relationships develop in a natural way. Every situation family is different.

Imagine waltzing onto a 14 year old girl's life and immediately treating her as your own daughter!

If you treated your stepkids 'the same', (for example maybe getting them little gifts when you get them for your child, or taking them on every single day out etc) then they would actually end up getting more than your child, because they would also get things from their mum, too.

It's the father's responsibility to make sure his kids are looked after. You should be caring towards them and obviously they are part of your family when they are there, but your priority will always be your child.

I don't think so OP. Yes to basic fairness when they're there, but in terms of wider things like you and your family viewing them identically to your own children?

I think a lot of people that say this are coming at it from the POV of a resident parent. There are a lot of mum's with DPs who will say things like "my DP treats my kids exactly the same, as do his family etc etc, I would never have stayed with him if they didn't". But I think as the partner of a NRP, it is generally quite different.

My DSS spends most of his time with his mum, that's his main household. So naturally he's not desperately looking for a mother figure when he's with us, and he doesn't have a vested interest in being close to my family. His "core people" as it were are his mum and her family, even my DP and his are fairly secondary to that, sadly for him. Let alone me and my family. In those circumstances, I really don't think he finds the dynamic confusing or would expect to be exactly like my DD to me. The dynamic is just not the same when they aren't around that much.