Involvement in a kids birthday party

[Anuta77]

My SD just turned 15, they are latin, so it's a special date and the mother wants a big party (SD only invited 4 friends and us). Most of the guests are the mother's and her boyfriend's friends.
We live about 35-40 min away. What kind of involvement, other than monetary, is expected from the father?

My DP was asked to bring things (some ballons, candy, table cloth, i.e. things that are easily bought near by and especially IN ADVANCE), which means that he would have to get there early, which means that me and my kids either would get there early with him and do nothing (and the mother was never nice to me) OR we would have to drive there separately, look for parking (very difficult), I don't drive well in the dark, extra gas spending (very expensive now), etc. I found that it's too much hassle for something that they could easily do, but maybe I'm wrong. I'm used to organise my parties alone with some help from my partner.

Could he maybe give some money to cover the cost of the items instead or else buy them and drop them over a couple of days before the party?

The easiest thing surely would be to buy the items on Amazon and have them delivered to her house in advance of the party. I'm sure she doesn't want you there hanging around when she's trying to prepare for a big event

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a father to physically contribute to his daughters birthday celebration rather than just giving money towards it. His partners inconvenience certainly shouldn’t be a reason for him to opt out of doing his bit.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a father to physically contribute to his daughters birthday celebration rather than just giving money towards it. His partners inconvenience certainly shouldn’t be a reason for him to opt out of doing his bit.

It's not just my inconvenience, but I would be coming with children, one of them is SD's half brother whom she loves and I could chose not to go and bring him.

@grecianurn82

Could he maybe give some money to cover the cost of the items instead or else buy them and drop them over a couple of days before the party?

The party is tonight and they told him one of these days...

If you don’t want to go then have your partner bring the children. They won’t mind being early at their sister/step sisters birthday.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

If you don’t want to go then have your partner bring the children. They won’t mind being early at their sister/step sisters birthday.

Yes, my children (one of them is very young) would mind going to a party without me. We always did separate celebrations for SD and she doesn't usually come to our birthdays unless it's her time with us, so we are used to this strict division. She just personnally asked me to go, so I'm trying to decide whether the complication is worth it.

so I'm trying to decide whether the complication is worth it.

How nice of you.

Not sure why your children would mind being there without you but if you really can’t cope with being in the venue early then just sit in the car with your children until it starts.

Wait in a cafe for an hour while he does whatever and the he can collect you for the party starting.

Or don’t go. Not sure why your discomfort should affect the girl’s fathers involvement.

It’s a quinceañera- right?! It’ll be super family/kid orientated, I’m sure there’ll be loadsa cousins etc milling about to entertain your DC

It is his daughter’s quinceanera and all he has been asked to do is pick up some candy and balloons. This isn’t just some little party, it’s a right of passage celebration.

I’m trying to figure out what to say here politely and I can’t find the words so I will just say either attend ready to sincerely celebrate or stay home and don’t detract from the special day.

Petrol costs? Tricky parking? You're making some really pitiful excuses here. Okay, so it's mildly inconvenient , but for heaven's sake go with it all and stick a smile on your face for your step-daughter's sake.

What kind of involvement, other than monetary, is expected from the father?

It seems that OP was hoping for more answers regarding whether her partner should have to contribute to the setting up of the party rather than whether she should attend.

My answer to that question OP is that he should plan, and be happy, to do as much as the child’s other parent is doing. Who booked the venue? Ordered the cake? Bought, wrote, addressed and sent the invitations? Sourced the child’s outfit? Who paid for all that?

This is surely a non issue, are you sure you just don't want to go and are looking for excuses? So you get there half an hour early, find a nice place to perch yourself with a glass of wine and Mumsnet for company and let them crack on!

Could you not get their early and help out too?

Or if you don't want to go just don't go?

My ExH does the cake and balloons for our DC’s parties. He’s dropped DC back to mine early so I can dress them in the outfit of my choice (at my request) and gone on to set the venue up when they were smaller.., He and his GF stay to clean up and always ask if it’s ok for them to leave/do we need any help before they clear off.

Wait your SD has asked you to come? At 15? You go, happily, and later you tell her you were very pleased she invited you!

So, what happened? Did you go?

Ah, I can kind of see where you're coming from.

DSD's mum organised her 18th. Really fancy, invited all her friends and extended family. As is entirely her right. DSD invited DP and I, but none of DP's family were invited (grandparents, etc).

No issue with any of this, if DP wanted his family there he could have organised his own party.

No issue at all, until mum put her hand out and demanded DP pay half the venue costs and pay for the cake.

He earns considerably less than mum. Wouldn't have minded paying half but if that was the plan he'd have had to make it fit his budget rather than hers, and probably would have had some input into the guest list.

In the end it didn't happen due to COVID, but it caused him a lot of guilt and stress at the time.

If you want financial/physical help, then you need to give people notice and accept you might have to change plans slightly to fit with what they're able to offer. You can't just demand a contribution with no discussion.

@AndSoFinally

Ah, I can kind of see where you're coming from.

DSD's mum organised her 18th. Really fancy, invited all her friends and extended family. As is entirely her right. DSD invited DP and I, but none of DP's family were invited (grandparents, etc).

No issue with any of this, if DP wanted his family there he could have organised his own party.

No issue at all, until mum put her hand out and demanded DP pay half the venue costs and pay for the cake.

He earns considerably less than mum. Wouldn't have minded paying half but if that was the plan he'd have had to make it fit his budget rather than hers, and probably would have had some input into the guest list.

In the end it didn't happen due to COVID, but it caused him a lot of guilt and stress at the time.

If you want financial/physical help, then you need to give people notice and accept you might have to change plans slightly to fit with what they're able to offer. You can't just demand a contribution with no discussion.

Nor can you just expect not to make any contribution. The thing to do was ask how much it was and what contribution was needed. He didn’t really intend to organise/contribute nothing for her only party, surely? Very different to holding two parties and each parent covering the one they throw.

I’m the step mum in these circumstances and would be astonished if my husband thought he could just turn up having contributed nothing, especially for an 18th or other big celebration.

No he absolutely expected to contribute, but half was way more than we could afford. The cake alone was £300!!!

If DP had been paying it would have been homemade buffet in the local scouts' hut, not champagne reception in a posh hotel so I can see why she wanted mum to organise 😂😂

*He earns considerably less than mum. Wouldn't have minded paying half but if that was the plan he'd have had to make it fit his budget rather than hers, and probably would have had some input into the guest list.

In the end it didn't happen due to COVID, but it caused him a lot of guilt and stress at the time.

If you want financial/physical help, then you need to give people notice and accept you might have to change plans slightly to fit with what they're able to offer. You can't just demand a contribution with no discussion.*

Tbh I always think this whenever people complain about their exes not contributing half for the clubs, clothes and toys etc they buy for the kids. From my perspective, I know that DPs ex buys a lot of those things for DSS that not only could DP not afford to buy, but he wouldn't choose to if he could. Yet so often it is treated as fact that the extras the RP chooses to buy for their child MUST be bought and therefore the other parent is being remiss by not contributing half. But the reality is that £60 toy that you bought because he was careless with the last one and broke it might not be something the other parent would choose to buy.

It creates a messy situation because obviously both parents should contribute to their child's upbringing, but one person making all the decisions and the other person just being expected to cough up so it's fair isn't really the solution it's always presented as on here.