Cutting the tension with a knife

[NilPoisDrama]

We have DSS half the week, he’s with his mum the other half.

I feel that recently the whole atmosphere in the house changes when DSS is here, DP seems grumpy or moody and when asked he says that he’s not. He also feels the same about me, we both dropped DSS off at school this morning and he asked if I was in a bad mood and vice versa. This seems to stay this way, with tension until DSS leaves and it’s back to a chilled and relaxed atmosphere. I’ve even contemplated staying at my parents for the nights DSS is here to get away from the uneasy feeling.

I’m not saying it’s DSS but the mood definitely changes when he’s here. It only feels like it’s happened over the last few weeks/months and this is linked to DSS attitude and behaviour. He is 8, and his behaviour is dire, answering back, slamming doors, shouting, mean to others and always wants his own way or acts out if he doesn’t. (When I say dire, I know he’s 8, but it’s a complete shift in his behaviour- over the last 6 months he’s gone from listening, being polite and well mannered and actually having a conversation with to the total opposite- i.e. talking like a baby or barking at DP & me, telling lies to his dad that I’ve ‘done’ and then smirking to me as if to get me in trouble) I have spoken to DP about this and he’s said the same about his behaviour but we’re at a loss as we’re the bad cops as mum gives in to everything (more Xbox time, staying up later, having chocolate/sweets at any time), hence the acting out at the word ‘no’.

It’s getting to a point that I’m starting to dislike being in my own home when DSS is like this and often finding myself disliking him and feeling so guilty as he’s an 8 year old boy. I’ve never felt like this about him and absolutely love him but the past few months have been really hard and I feel like I’m at the end of my tether when DSS is here.

Does anyone have any advice? Or has anyone been in a similar situation?

Please don’t be mean, I know I don’t sound great but I would never make my feelings known to DP or DDS, and we’ve not had any problems over the last 2 years- just this now.

If you genuinely want some days away then do. It's horrible that you feel driven from your own home but maybe your oH needs to spend time with him alone to realised he has to sort it out

No practical experience here, but just the observation that the age of 8 is coming up in a lot of posts over the last few weeks. You are not alone. So my guess is that this is partly a developmental stage, and partly the culture of current generations parenting, and not all to do with the step-parenting aspect.

@SpaceshiptoMars

No practical experience here, but just the observation that the age of 8 is coming up in a lot of posts over the last few weeks. You are not alone. So my guess is that this is partly a developmental stage, and partly the culture of current generations parenting, and not all to do with the step-parenting aspect.

What do you mean by "partly the culture of current generations parenting" please? Interested to hear your thoughts.

Leave your DP to do all the parenting of his son. Do not engage (except to be generally welcoming, chilled out and nice of course), and go out as much as you can. See friends, do stuff, leave DP to it.

You are not the parent.

Also, look up Nacho Parenting.

My dss is also 8 and I want to run away from him and dh parenting of him. I hate feeling like I'm diminished in my own home.

I would go out

I would also get cameras in the house to prove I hadn't done what he said I had done

Not a step parent but 8 year olds can be horrid. I would read up a bit about some of the changes and challenges of 8 year olds to know that it's not you per se but rather a developmental phase. Sadly there will be more phases to come eg puberty, teens etc. I think it's fantastic that your DP does shared parenting care. I think you need to consider if you can ride out this and any up and coming developmental phases. I have dated men with kids before and my DD has a step parent (who is lovely) so I totally get the not feeling the same about them as you might your own DC. However much you try and accommodate them.

What do you mean by "partly the culture of current generations parenting" please? Interested to hear your thoughts.

Well, I'm not exactly young. So I've had time to observe several different fashions in parenting come and go. Also had the benefit of my grandmother's opinion of my parents' parenting

Something that is pretty recent is so much involvement from the Dads. The disney dad stuff I read is kind of mindblowing. When I was young, a cheeky 8 year old soon met with the business end of a cane. (Hideous memories of seeing public pants down canings in front of the entire school...)

Another thing that seems very recent is co-sleeping. It seems quite common now, even with 8 year olds. Given some of the cons of my own childhood, I'm not going to judge, but I can see from the posts on this forum that this is not without its hazards.

My advice would be to not feel at all guilty about this, and I do believe that would help you. You don't enjoy being around him because he isn't enjoyable to be around. Contrary to all the hand wringing you get on here about them being "just as an 8 year old", 8 year old's are people with personalities, and some of them are pleasant to be around whilst others are not.

You also shouldn't feel like you can't be honest about this with your partner, he should be able to acknowledge reality. You should feel free to talk to him about it and say you would like to take a step back and let him take on more of it.

I'm a step parent to an 8 year old boy and 10 year old girl. I also have a 6 year old and we have an 11 month old together.

The atmosphere in our house changes when my step children are here too. My partner seems to pander to them, for example letting them chose what's for dinner and they often chose different things. I always say, no... im cooking one meal, not 4! I would never cook something they don't like obviously not not willing to let them chose different dinners to each other, my 6 year old and us.

They also stay up late, so our "evening" is not relaxing. I hear iPads, chatting on FaceTime and it totally pisses me off. He lets them stay up til we go to bed then they wake up as grumpy as anything for school the next day and it's miserable in the mornings.

When they aren't here, it's a happy household. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi everyone, thanks for taking time to comment.

I do take time away from the house but it’s really hard with WFH at the moment too, I do have days with my friends and family and I don’t feel guilty about that. Some days are a lot easier than others, but when the days are hard it’s so difficult to want to be in the same place.

Thank you @Sicario I have just found an article on Nacho parenting and it’s great. I do that already with DSS, I’m not the parent and I fully acknowledge that, again I treat him as I would my niece or nephew and it falls on deaf ears.

@SpaceshiptoMars again, I agree with this. DSS still co-sleeps with his mum which is recent but causes issues at bedtime here as he wants to sleep with us, it doesn’t happen. Also, I wouldn’t dare speak to my father the way he speaks to my DP and again, I think it’s a generational parenting so I do agree with you.

@SnowWhitesSM I am so sorry you feel this way, I can completely empathise with you. It’s so difficult.

@Fashionesta that’s really comforting to know that you’ve been in similar situations. I am in it for the long ride with DP, I just hope this phase doesn’t last long with DSS as I do feel it’s getting between us sometimes.

@aSofaNearYou My DP completely acknowledged DSS behaviours and I had a long chat with him the weekend before last and said that I often feel as though I’m being “played” by a child e.g when he says I’ve done something I haven’t. I told him I’m those situations he is in the middle and choosing sides and as an adult telling an adult he should believe what I’m saying or take me to a side to discuss rather than entertaining child’s story.

They are only small things he has said but over time it could have a massive effect on our trust, e.g. Saying he was starving and I’ve refused to give him a snack/food, last week he hit my car but protested to DP that he hadn’t (not that it matters but it’s a car I’m still paying monthly and want to keep in relatively good condition to sell) the cat had a mark which I showed DP that I was telling the truth but I feel that I need to fight my corner often.

@mummytotwoboys0600 I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one in this situation. It’s so similar here, I will have a meal planned (we cook every other night) and DSS will say ‘I’m not eating that’ or ‘I want pizza’. Or he will sit to eat it and have a few mouthfuls before saying he’s full and an hour later DP is giving him a bowl of cereal or other snacks to fill him up. I think I I compare it to my own childhood and it was a matter of ‘don’t eat and you go to bed hungry’ I’m not saying every night but DP gives in so easy.

Again with your DSC being on the iPad, mine is the Xbox with headphones and not realising how loud they are and the “5 more minutes please daddy” which turns into 30mins and affects bedtime and our evening.

And the miserable mornings… I am with you on that, it’s just stressful!

[quote NilPoisDrama]@mummytotwoboys0600 I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one in this situation. It’s so similar here, I will have a meal planned (we cook every other night) and DSS will say ‘I’m not eating that’ or ‘I want pizza’. Or he will sit to eat it and have a few mouthfuls before saying he’s full and an hour later DP is giving him a bowl of cereal or other snacks to fill him up. I think I I compare it to my own childhood and it was a matter of ‘don’t eat and you go to bed hungry’ I’m not saying every night but DP gives in so easy.

Again with your DSC being on the iPad, mine is the Xbox with headphones and not realising how loud they are and the “5 more minutes please daddy” which turns into 30mins and affects bedtime and our evening.

And the miserable mornings… I am with you on that, it’s just stressful![/quote]
Yes that's all I get as well. I don't want to eat that, or I don't like that. When I was a child I got what I was given and I had to sit there and eat it.

My step children aren't overly happy when they are here either, they can't do as they please. We have a rule of no food and drink in the living room or upstairs. New house, new carpet. They constantly moan that their mum lets them eat dinner in their bedrooms etc. tough!
I also want to bring my children up to help with the dishes, clear the table and wash up. They aren't made to do that at home and they point blank refuse at ours. So how can I ask my child to help when they bugger off without even taking their plate from the table or scrapping the unwanted in the bin.
It's very difficult being a step parent and I do try to take a step back but I do find it hard at times. Z

It seems that 8 seems to be a particular ball ache of a age. It also seems to be when any Disney dadding comes to back to roost as it were. I think sofa has a point though that sometimes it's just the kids personality and hoping for a massive shift in personality is dangerous.

I regularly looked after my best friends kids from birth and one day I was reading a magazine the kids were running around and one wanted sweets, I said no and he went yelling to his mum I had thumped him one 😵‍💫 well his mum didn't even blink and told him that he's lucky she didn't thump him one for lying (she didn't ever hit the kids I think she was just mirroring what he said) and that type of lie is the worst of all kind and sent him to his room without electronics, he came to apologise after that. The key here is trust. She trusted me that I wouldn't ever do anything like that and we worked as a team to raise the little blighters. I think the Ds in question was 8 at the time.

This type of behaviour only works if they think they have a captive audience, and if playing one off the other works. Sadly Disney dadding comes in because they almost feel they have to hear the child's side and show they are balancing the argument. My friend trusted me implicitly and probably knew from my own childhood that I would never ever raise a hand to a child for that reason alone (strict parents).

The other DD chiming I'm going she didn't even move from her magazine and it's because I said no to sweets helped but my friend had already confirmed she trusted me as the adult to DS. Never happened again because the kids saw me as a defocato voice of their mum/responsible adult when she wasn't there. Ie I had teeth in that house. Funnily enough though I rarely had to use them.

The real question is do you ? These things need to be flat out not given attention, raising calmly that's not true DC is telling fibs. Again.Adults used to do this back in the day because children where raised by the village.

Pandering is one of those behaviours to naughty children that makes their behaviours worse not better. I'm sure back in the day there were more parents who wanted to actually parent than to be a child's pal.

But if the tension of the house grows. Keep busy, keep your distance and try to look after yourself.

Totally agree with the 8yo thing p, whatever it is, and the Disney Dadding.

Why does your DH allow his son to be rude to him? And lie? And hurt an animal? These are things that shouldn’t go unchallenged.