Feeling second best - shouldn't feel like this

[mintylegends]

Hello,

This is my first time here. I am new to the whole step -parenting - just under a year I have known my partner son but I have been with my partner for 18 months.

We all get on really well, however today.... you can blame hormones but I feel second best. I feel like he had a child quickly with his ex (together 4 months) before she got pregnant and he said even though he rushed in to it with her, he wanted a child too as he felt it was right at the time.

However now when I bring it up, he says we will when we are more financially stable and he is more settled in his job.

I know I am wrong in thinking this and I am probably seeking more reassurance than anything but would this make anyone else feel like they are second best to his ex as he is doesnt seem as interested in having a child with me than he was with his ex

This is probably a rambling post and I apologise, I just feel so alone at the moment and deep down I know I am probably being stupid about it all.

I understand why you feel like this but maybe he just wants what him and his ex didn’t have before having their son, a healthy, stable relationship and being financially secure. 18 months isn’t a long time and he maybe would like to be married, have a mortgage etc before having anymore children, which is understandable on his behalf.

You need to separate yourself from the ex, she isn’t better than you just because they have a child together. As long as you are both on the same page that one day children of your own may be on the cards then just don’t worry about it 😁

Deliberately choosing to have a child with someone 4 months into a relationship is one of the most idiotic things I’ve ever heard of, what on earth was he thinking?? Not surprisingly it’s ended up as a complete failure, with 2 single parents and a young child already growing up in a broken home. Very few 16 week relationships are going to survive a newborn baby, couples who have been married for decades struggle. Thankfully he seems to have learned from his utter stupidity, and from the sounds of things loves you enough to attempt to create a stable relationship and environment to make a proper go of it a second time round. I don’t understand your way of thinking that because he’s not immediately banging out another child as soon as he’s in another relationship, that must mean you’re second best.

He's probably worried of making the same mistake again. Do you have plans for a mortgage etc?

Just it's easier to get one the fewer kids you have when you apply

Lorw- Thankyou for your comment.
I don’t necessarily mean straight away have a child as we both talked about it and we both want to financially stable before we try as it wouldn’t be fair on either of us. Never mind the child. You don’t need to be a brain surgeon to work out that children are expensive. It just a shame not everyone realises this.
I think I’m feeling second best as I think deep down I feel threaten but like you say I think I need to accept that he with me now and not her and I got nothing to feel threaten about. Thankyou.

Windy Mary Sarah- I can understand where you are standing from with your point of view and I probably should have made myself abit clearer in the OP. I’m probably trying to think in my head why he did that and feeling bit threaten. Like am I not good enough.

I know I’m being bit stupid about it all. But did get upset afternoon over it

Look at it from a different perspective.

He wants to lay good, strong foundations with you. He wants a stable relationship to bring his next child into. He wants the opportunity to do the things with you he probably never had the chance to do with his ex before the baby came along - some holidays, nice nights out, long lazy weekends, just doing fun stuff that having a baby too quickly in a relationship really puts the kibosh on!

Enjoy doing the childfree stuff now, it's the memories you will make together and look back on in years to come when you have a sicky muslin draped over your shoulder and a teething baby.

You mean so much to him that he wants everything to be as good as it can be between you two so the hand grenade that is a baby being thrown into the mix brings you together as a team instead of ripping your relationship apart which it will if you're already on shaky ground.

He knows last time wasn't ideal circumstances and wants this time to be better and work out. That doesn't mean you are second best, it means he is sensible.

I agree with @CamsPaisleyCuffs. Sounds like he's wanting to make a real go of things with you.

Here's our timeline for comparison.
Met DH. 2 years later met DSD. 3 years - moved in. 4 years - engaged. 5 years - got married, bought first house, DS1 born (all within 6 weeks, that was a busy time.
I always said I don't mind moving forward slowly as long as we are moving forward.
Unless you think he's deliberately leading you on, I'd say it's a good thing he's learned from past mistakes.

@Unsure1983

He knows last time wasn't ideal circumstances and wants this time to be better and work out. That doesn't mean you are second best, it means he is sensible.

Agreed. I understand the complex feelings that could lead you to feel like this in low moments but the reality is that he wasn't sensible before - which is frustrating to deal with emotionally in it's own right - but he is trying to be this time. It's better if anything!

It sounds as though your partner agreed to have a child at a point where he felt that he had the readiness and emotional and financial bandwidth to be a parent. It may not have had much to do with his feelings about the ex. It sounds as though having had a child, he is now aware that he is neither emotionally or financially prepared to support another child. Again, it probably has little to do with you and all to do with his level of readiness to give a child what it needs.

I think he’s probably learnt a lot from rushing into it before so is understandably cautious. My DH always said that before we had DC he wanted us to have had the opportunity to have fun together and be in the right place financially as he’d experienced how hard it is and the pressure it puts on a relationship. It’s also always been a worry for him to end up living apart from any further DC so it made him cautious there too

The problem here is you're placing his relationship with you and his relationship with her side by side and drawing comparisons. But life doesn't work like that because he has learned from experiences in the meantime.

Being a parent hypothetically is very different to being a parent in real life. There is a real flesh and blood person depending on you. He knows this now, he didn't really know it when he made that decision with his ex. He's saying now this was the right thing to do because if he says or thinks otherwise he's saying life would be better without his child in it.

I understand how you feel but you're making this about his feelings toward you and his ex. It's not about that. It's simply a man maturing over time.