Being a step parent in 50/50 custody split

[milyab83]

Hi everyone.
My ex and I share custody of our son (6) 50/50 and are very amicable.
I have a new boyfriend who has yet to meet my son. He has no children of his own. He's recently been considering what his role in my son's life would be in the future. As my son's biological dad plays a very active role in his life and is a good male role model for him my son doesn't need a 'new dad'.
My boyfriend is also concerned that without his own biological children we would always be having very different experiences in life that weren't shared.

What are others' experiences of a step parent's role in a 50/50 split and/or sharing your life with someone when only one of you has children?

Thanks!

He has no children of his own. He's recently been considering what his role in my son's life would be in the future.

He can be like an uncle to your child.

My boyfriend is also concerned that without his own biological children we would always be having very different experiences in life that weren't shared.
This doesn't make sense. Even two parents of the same sex each have a different relationship with their own joint child.

I had two step-mothers. First was like an aunty to me and my mum trusted get more than some of her siblings with me. Second I had no contact with.

I am an "aunt" to own SC. However it helps I've been an aunt since I was in my teens.

In my extended family an "aunt" or "uncle" means you can choose your level of involvement. So it means that you are not top dog but respected because you respect the child. Unlike the child's parent you are more objective and so learn when to ignore behaviour, when to redirect it and/or when to raise concerns with their parent(s).

I suspect your bf real worry is that he won't like your child when he meets him so will have to end the relationship with you.

Is 4 month in not very early to be discussing having children and what role E will be playing with your son?

I’m reading a lot about what your boyfriend wants.

The role he must play/must not play is the role of enriching and supporting your son’s childhood and development.

His role will start as friend and play mate. This man is a stranger.

Over time this can develop into a loving uncle/co-parent during your time but it may not. He doesn’t need a dad, he has one. What he needs to be is a positive role model in this boy’s life and recognise that DS’s needs and wants must always come first.

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme

I’m reading a lot about what your boyfriend wants.

The role he must play/must not play is the role of enriching and supporting your son’s childhood and development.

His role will start as friend and play mate. This man is a stranger.

Over time this can develop into a loving uncle/co-parent during your time but it may not. He doesn’t need a dad, he has one. What he needs to be is a positive role model in this boy’s life and recognise that DS’s needs and wants must always come first.

Heaven forbid you or your partner considers what you actually want before getting into a relationship!

Also, his needs and wants must NOT always come first, that is extremely unhealthy. His needs, yes, his wants, no.

[quote milyab83]@TeeBee I think he'd be great as a mentor/supporter/friend but he doesn't seem sure if this would be fulfilling enough for him. I guess part of the problem is that you don't know how you will feel until you try![/quote]
Sounds to me like he's telling you that he wants his own DC and that your DS will never be enough of a parenting experience for him on his own.

Same. And I think it is best for him to be honest with himself if this is the case.

Definitely not too early to be thinking about these things. When you're thinking about becoming a step parent, you do need to think through these things as there are kids involved. You are effectively joining a family. Definitely not wise or responsible to act now and think later!

@TeeBee
What you say makes so much sense. I think that it is important to realize that girlfriend/boyfriend/partner is not synonymous with step parent. All too often, women particularly seem to feel that dating or even living with a partner somehow makes you an instant stepmother. I don't think that many men self identify in that way.

Dating someone with children makes you mom or dad's partner; it does not make you a step anything. Many men may live with 2 or 3 different women during the course of their child's early or teenage years. Think how potentially confusing to have so many parental figures in your life none of whom are permanent and yet all of whom you are expected to experience as step parents of some sort.

It is so much easier for a child to understand the need for respecting an adult as mom or dad's friend, partner, or just the adult in charge at times. They do not need the added or often unnecessary confusion of having to fit the person/s into some contrived quasi parental status..

When the village is assisting in raising the child, it is not necessary for all or even any of the villagers to be viewed as a parent of any sort in order for them to play a positive or supportive role.

What you say makes so much sense. I think that it is important to realize that girlfriend/boyfriend/partner is not synonymous with step parent. All too often, women particularly seem to feel that dating or even living with a partner somehow makes you an instant stepmother. I don't think that many men self identify in that way.

I don't disagree with your comment but I don't think it's women that tend to think this, so much as men who often want and expect them to act that way.

My brother had this with his step daughter (now an adult but met when she was about 8). It worked really well for them as a couple. They’re both very active motivated people with a great social life. 50/50 allowed them to go away for trips together lots, socialise with friends etc while step daughter was with her dad and have nice family time when step daughter was with them .

My brother is really close to his step daughter and get Father’s Day cards from him. They spent time at shared events with her dad and his wife and it’s all friendly.

Oh I should add brother has a child he rarely sees but didn’t have a child with his wife. I think this possibly made the situation easier as there was no blending of children.

Tatler2, asofanearyou, agree with both of you. It's very easy to fall into the trap that you have to be a mother to all. I personally fight against it. I'm not married because I don't want that extra responsibility or expectation. My responsibility is my children, full stop. Not my partner or his children. More than happy to enjoy lovely times with them but I not playing wife and mother when I already have my children to take care of. Other people may want and need something more all-encompassing perhaps that blends everyone together but I've been on the other end of that and I don't want that for me and my children. I don't think that would work for me.

...and funnily enough, the only criticism I ever get from taking that stance is from other women. 🤷‍♀️