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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Being a step parent in 50/50 custody split

37 replies

milyab83 · 11/11/2021 05:36

Hi everyone.
My ex and I share custody of our son (6) 50/50 and are very amicable.
I have a new boyfriend who has yet to meet my son. He has no children of his own. He's recently been considering what his role in my son's life would be in the future. As my son's biological dad plays a very active role in his life and is a good male role model for him my son doesn't need a 'new dad'.
My boyfriend is also concerned that without his own biological children we would always be having very different experiences in life that weren't shared.

What are others' experiences of a step parent's role in a 50/50 split and/or sharing your life with someone when only one of you has children?

Thanks!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 11/11/2021 08:36

I'm a step parent, but EOW rather than 50/50. I think his concerns are valid, and if feeling like your life isn't totally shared and yours is focused around something he doesn't share is a big issue for him emotionally then it will be a difficult path for him. I think it largely depends on you, tbh, and how you handle it and how much empathy you have. Many parents have very little with their new partners and do very little to make the situation enjoyable for them.

SnowWhitesSM · 11/11/2021 08:52

Personally when my DH moved in I was very clear with my teenage dc where their place was. That they are my dc, I love them, that dh now contributes half of the bills to our home, that I expect them to listen to dh like he's me - he has that same authority. Dh very very rarely asks my dc to do anything -he usually moans to me-- but they will do as he asks and that is what I expect. If my dc were ever rude to him (they're not but can forget a thank you sometimes) I pull them up on it immediately. I have tried my best to make sure DH feels like this is his home too. He struggles that he has moved into my house but as it ticks so many boxes for what we want and need we're not going to be moving. I think if we had bought somewhere new together he would have felt better in the beginning.

I also think me and dh rushed by MN standards to get married and blend (he has a ds too) and actually we would have been a lot happier if we had waited to live together until the DC were older and about to move out. We don't struggle in the sense that our dc are destructive but we are constantly battling our family systems against each other. If we didn't have dc we wouldn't argue, it's the only thing that causes stress in our relationship.

Original poster
milyab83 · 11/11/2021 09:21

Thank you @aSofaNearYou @SnowWhitesSM. I fully understand his concerns and am very grateful to him for raising them now as it's still early days for us and he's yet to meet my son. Just trying to gather as many experiences from other people as possible to help us move forward

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 11/11/2021 10:33

Does he want his own children? Would you be open to that if he did?
That's the big question for me. I knew early on that I didn't want all the downsides of children (restrictions, expense etc) without the upsides (absolute joy) for myself.

aSofaNearYou · 11/11/2021 10:46

@Youseethethingis

Does he want his own children? Would you be open to that if he did? That's the big question for me. I knew early on that I didn't want all the downsides of children (restrictions, expense etc) without the upsides (absolute joy) for myself.
Yes I was the same as this. IME it can also speed up the time when having kids is on the mind, as you are already living a very child centric life.
Original poster
milyab83 · 11/11/2021 11:29

@Youseethethingis I'm open to having another child if the relationship was right, but don't have a strong desire right now. We've only been together 4 months and he's been going through the process of accepting that he may not have kids in the future (he's 41) but I think he would be open to it if the circumstances were right.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 11/11/2021 13:10

@SnowWhitesSM

Personally when my DH moved in I was very clear with my teenage dc where their place was. That they are my dc, I love them, that dh now contributes half of the bills to our home, that I expect them to listen to dh like he's me - he has that same authority. Dh very very rarely asks my dc to do anything -he usually moans to me-- but they will do as he asks and that is what I expect. If my dc were ever rude to him (they're not but can forget a thank you sometimes) I pull them up on it immediately. I have tried my best to make sure DH feels like this is his home too. He struggles that he has moved into my house but as it ticks so many boxes for what we want and need we're not going to be moving. I think if we had bought somewhere new together he would have felt better in the beginning.

I also think me and dh rushed by MN standards to get married and blend (he has a ds too) and actually we would have been a lot happier if we had waited to live together until the DC were older and about to move out. We don't struggle in the sense that our dc are destructive but we are constantly battling our family systems against each other. If we didn't have dc we wouldn't argue, it's the only thing that causes stress in our relationship.

Yeah my mum took this approach. None of her children talk to her now. She made it very clear that he was top of the totem pool and boy did he enjoy it. Guess she attracted control-focused men because she entertained their needs first.

My partner knows my children come first with me. It is their home, not his. He is a guest and there as my boyfriend. They all have a lovely relationship. Respectful from both sides. I'm their parent, he is their supporter and friend.

OP, what is wrong with him just being their friend/adult supporter/ mentor? He doesn't have to be a parent or step parent to have a positive impact on their lives.

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/11/2021 13:32

She made it very clear that he was top of the totem pool and boy did he enjoy it.

It is their home, not his. He is a guest and there as my boyfriend.

I think you learnt that the only part worth playing is being top dog.

Original poster
milyab83 · 11/11/2021 13:40

@TeeBee I think he'd be great as a mentor/supporter/friend but he doesn't seem sure if this would be fulfilling enough for him. I guess part of the problem is that you don't know how you will feel until you try!

OP posts:
TeeBee · 11/11/2021 13:45

@SpaceshiptoMars

She made it very clear that he was top of the totem pool and boy did he enjoy it.

It is their home, not his. He is a guest and there as my boyfriend.

I think you learnt that the only part worth playing is being top dog.

I think what I learnt was don't bring a man into your life and allow him to be in control of your kids.
aSofaNearYou · 11/11/2021 14:55

I think what I learnt was don't bring a man into your life and allow him to be in control of your kids.

There is a whole other perspective from which to look at that logic.

Youseethethingis · 11/11/2021 15:35

A step parent having a say in what goes on in their own home isn't the problem per se. It's inconsistency that's the problem IMO.
PPs step parent liked having the power of a parent over the kids but I'm guessing didn't put the emotional or practical energy into his relationship with the children. So instead of a firm but fair, caring, nurturing relationship, it was just some twat throwing his weight around aided and abetted but the mother. Now wonder that didn't go well.
On the other side, it's not reasonable to tell a step parent to stay out of it in some ways then demand they step up in others (they aren't your kids you have no say on this, what do you mean they aren't in your will, they are your step children! Etc etc)

SnowWhitesSM · 11/11/2021 16:15

My DH doesn't control my children!

God they'd be stepford dc if he did. I just made sure that everyone knew their place (belonging- its in the hierarchy of needs for self actualisation). When dc know the boundaries they feel safe and secure - they also need, warmth, food, shelter, sleep, activities to help them develop, jobs that are there's so they feel part of a team. Belonging and knowing where you belong in a family is vital. Insecurities occur when a sense of belonging isn't there.

TeeBee · 11/11/2021 16:46

@SnowWhitesSM

My DH doesn't control my children!

God they'd be stepford dc if he did. I just made sure that everyone knew their place (belonging- its in the hierarchy of needs for self actualisation). When dc know the boundaries they feel safe and secure - they also need, warmth, food, shelter, sleep, activities to help them develop, jobs that are there's so they feel part of a team. Belonging and knowing where you belong in a family is vital. Insecurities occur when a sense of belonging isn't there.

SnowWhite, I absolutely wasn't imply that he was! Please don't think I was saying that. I was saying that in my situation, my (so-called) mum allowed her DH to do so, basically because she didn't have the bollocks to be a parent in her own right.

I agree totally with everything you've said. All children require those things and my children have that in spades...from me their parent...not my partner who is neither their father nor their step-father. My partner is just that. My kids get on really well with him and he is wonderful with them, always helping them out and having little chats with them. But I do not expect him to parent them nor provide for them. That is my job.

Luckily their dad also takes the same stance at his house, he (and not his partner) is responsible for his children. I feel strongly that they have a base that they know if there's irrespective of what my partner or their dad's partner brings to the table.

I'm not knocking your choice, I'm pointing out to the OP that this doesn't always work and, in fact, has very very badly affected my mother's relationship with every single one of her children. If it works for you and yours, all hunky dory.

TeeBee · 11/11/2021 16:48

[quote milyab83]@TeeBee I think he'd be great as a mentor/supporter/friend but he doesn't seem sure if this would be fulfilling enough for him. I guess part of the problem is that you don't know how you will feel until you try![/quote]
OP, maybe getting together with someone who already has a child is not for him then.

SnowWhitesSM · 11/11/2021 17:40

I think from my experience and all of the literature and other people's stories I've read - that step parenting only works if that step parent can be all in or mostly out and be OK with that.

As a parent you need to work out what style would work for you, and your dp needs to work out what style works for him. Then you have to work out if your family systems are compatible - so what roles did your parents both take as that will be the unconscious dynamic that you will both play out. Then you have to work out if your parenting styles will work out - how do you both feel about bedtimes, how do you both feel about junk food and tech - because even though they are your dc things like that will have an impact on his quality of life. You have to be willing to get on the same page with someone who isn't your dcs other parent. That is the sticking point and it's hard work keeping everyone happy.

DreadingChristmasAlready · 11/11/2021 17:43

If you’re going into a new relationship determined to make your new partner know that he’s second best and always will be that’s very honest of you but I’d just remain single as no one should have to know they’ll always be second best.

CornishGem1975 · 12/11/2021 10:39

We don't 'parent' each other's children, they both have two parents of their own. Instead, we treat it as just having another close adult in their life, someone they can rely on and trust - but the boundaries are drawn.

KylieKoKo · 12/11/2021 13:50

I am more of an auntie figure than a parental one.
I am kind to them and have fun with them. If I am cooking I will cook for them too obviously and will make something that they will like.

I don't get involved in discipline and I don't pick up after them, they have a dad to do that.

It is their home, not his. He is a guest and there as my boyfriend.

I wouldn't be with DP if this was the deal. This is my home and their home. We don't operate on some weird hierarchy with defined levels.

TeeBee · 12/11/2021 14:42

@KylieKoKo

I am more of an auntie figure than a parental one. I am kind to them and have fun with them. If I am cooking I will cook for them too obviously and will make something that they will like.

I don't get involved in discipline and I don't pick up after them, they have a dad to do that.

It is their home, not his. He is a guest and there as my boyfriend.

I wouldn't be with DP if this was the deal. This is my home and their home. We don't operate on some weird hierarchy with defined levels.

But he doesn't live with me! Why should it be his home? It is mine and my children's home. We are both incredibly happy within our relationship. There's no hierarchy, just very clear boundaries about who does what and who is responsible for what. Works very very well for us. He doesn't parent my children, I don't parent his.
KylieKoKo · 12/11/2021 14:46

But he doesn't live with me!

Oh I thought he did! That makes it a lot more reasonable.

Dollyparton3 · 12/11/2021 15:50

Child free by choice step mum here and I didn't take on the title of stepmum until we married a couple of years ago. Until then I was Dolly and asked for the same level of respect as everyone in the home whilst also playing a bit of a cool auntie role.

I think a lot of this depends on the kids too. DSS loves me to bits and says he's proud to call me his stepmum, he gets that I bring a different dynamic to the home and there's positive influence that he doesn't get from anywhere else.

DSD is a different matter entirely and treats me and her mum's long term boyfriend as second class citizens. She wishes both of her parents were single forever and she's vocalised this to me and her mums partner. She's currently resisting him moving in even though she's in her early 20's herself.

SunndyD · 12/11/2021 15:56

We had my DSS 50/50 since he was 7 (he’s now an adult) and didn’t have children together until he was 12.
My role took a while to get established, for a while I took a backseat and was that fun person however in terms of parenting that doesn’t work. It naturally progressed into a mutual respect for each other and respect for me as an extra parenting figure.

We’ve a fantastic relationship and have done for many years, but this took time and wasn’t rushed or pushed into something it wasn’t. I treat him and see him as one of my own, his mums boyfriend does the same. My family see him as a grandchild / nephew and it works well for us.
My advance is don’t over think it, nor push it. The relationship and boundaries fall into placen

SunndyD · 12/11/2021 15:57

I always think of the saying, it takes a village to raise a child. Lots of positive adult figures in their life is a positive

CactusLemonSpice · 12/11/2021 22:13

So is it the case that he wants children and is uncertain whether having step children will fulfil part of that desire? If so, he may feel some sadness down the line if you decide not to have children with him.

I was a childless stepmum for a while before having 2 DC with OH. It's definitely not the same thing. It could make his desire to be a father stronger.