Rant about unreasonable exes

[Nonose]

I have an ex husband and I don't have the issues my DH has with his ex wife.

I'm sure I'll be told to rise above it but I find it so annoying.

We have my SS's alternate Christmases. They are 18 and 16. I appreciate all a bit odd now as older SS is at Uni. But as a background, DH ex kicked off a few weeks ago as we could only have younger SS for 1 night on our weekend. We gave advance notice which she acknowledged and then the day before she went loopy. The way she flew off the handle was ridiculous (she started sending calendar invitation after initiation for DH to accept the weekends we have younger SS, even though there is already a diary and then sent multiple separate calendar invites for him to accept to show that every weekend we had SS she was 'away' and therefore we would never be able to make alternate arrangements going forward) and she is always very passive aggressive with DH. She has changed weekends many times by simply changing the diary, not requesting and we have just accommodated). Anyway, her argument a few weeks ago was that it was important that the schedule is stuck to rigidly and that SS needs to see his Dad for a full weekend.

It was our turn last year for Christmas but DH ex had a family bereavement just before xmas and so we accommodated that and SS's stayed with their mum and we didn't actually see them until new year.

As this was the case DH sent a note to his ex saying we'd like them for xmas this year.

She took days to reply (she hassles my DH if he doesn't reply to her within hours by sending multiple copies of the same message). And said 'let's see what SS's want to do'.

I fully agree that they are at an age where they choose but the fact that she created such a drama recently over the weekends and that arrangements must be stuck to rigidly and now is saying they have a right to choose (as if they probably don't want to come to us) is incredibly rich isn't it?

As a background, my DH found out his ex had been cheating on him for 3 years with another man which led to the divorce. I met him after they had split up. She is incredibly awful to him to the point that he doesn't want to ask her anything that concerns him because it is always an attack back (for example, we have noticed on microsoft reports that he is spending 6/7 hours after school on the computer or online and all of his waking hours at weekends (13 plus hours - and he only gets up at about 1pm). I have only met her once in 6 years (at my instigation) because she likes to pretend I don't exist.

I'm blowing off steam. Does anyone else cope with this ridiculous nonsense?

I have never behaved like this with my ex husband.

At 16 he can decide where he goes for Christmas same for the 18 year old tbh ds who's 13 goes to both houses mine on the morning then the evening with his df who make a night of it.

The 16 year old can make his own decision can he not? I have a 16 year old who rarely goes to his dad's with his younger sister for the standard EOW contact now. He makes his own plans. He does see his dad but it's more to watch a football match or take their grandad out for a bit of lunch rather than a full on EOW contact. My dd is only 13 and still enjoys the EOW contact however it is starting to become an issue with her friends and sometimes we all just have to be flexi because of various other commitments. As they get older I think it all becomes a bit harder with formalised contact as they have their own things going on. As the RP though I do miss my ds going as sometimes he is just sitting around the house eating everything in sight and getting under my feet/or wanting lifts.

However my exh and I don't argue nor get involved in the arrangements with each other the children do it themselves. We've argued it's never been perfect but we're not toxic to each other. My dps ex however is a different story!!

@Bananarama21 I understand that and we are happy for them to make the choice. It's the way she lets them choose when it suits her but other times it's strictly by arrangement with no one has choice - like they are five. That's what annoys me. We obviously want to start making xmas arrangements (for example, we have a tradition of going out xmas eve with friends and family to a restaurant and need to book).

Who has the energy to behave like that?! ExDP and I aren’t like this because my parents were when they divorced, tit for fucking tat 24/7, either oblivious to or didn’t give a crap that it was messing me up!

Surely at 16 he can stay at home alone? I lived with my Dad and he worked nights twice a month for 3 days in a row, I always stayed at home.

@Vie8126 I would very much like the 16 year old to have choices but his mother treats him like a baby and he really doesn't. She makes all the choices for him.

It's just frustrating for us as we missed out on xmas last year (understandably) and looks like it will be the same this year. In all honesty, I think it is because she wants them with her at xmas as new husbands children will be over.

It's a difficult one as they get older but I really feel more difficult for us because of the mother.

@BurntTheFuckOut I agree about the energy. But no one wants SS to be on his own at Christmas! haha.

I'm sorry re your parents. I feel sorry for my SS's, I feel like things are incredibly difficult for them because of the communication.

I hate the christmas nonsense!

I feel like this year is worse coz covid messed up the planned schedule last year.

Oh wow, this is awful. I've been through similar. My DP and his ex have a court order that is completely out of date. It contains instructions which haven't been followed for over six years - drop children to a house that has been sold, dad to take one child midweek but she finds that stressful organising her books so he took her for dinner instead and an extra day every weekend and various other adjustments agreed by both parents and children.

So they had their own agreement which they followed and everuoej knew where they were supposed to be at all times. However everytime his ex wanted to have a tantrum (usually when she found out we had something going on ourselves on our kidfree time) she would send a barrage of abuse containing the words that we broke the court order. She would send screenshots late at night (to me too until I blocked her).

The irony was that on the screenshot would be the multiple points she 'broke: every week.

Their dad (my DP) wanted the kids more, not less so we (myself included individually) would always try to see them more not less and jump at any opportunity. Often that meant ferrying them to and from their activities and their mum's on her contact time.

I think the problem here with you (and in hindsight us) is that you want to tackle problems in a reasonable cooperative way but that simply won't work when only one party is playing ball. I think the only thing you can do is simply go straight to communicating via calendar arrangements like she does.

Can your DH speak to his younger son and ask him what he wants?

Is the ex is panicking about losing some and then all the maintenance payments and trying to exert control?

Whatever the reason, it’s totally unreasonable.

You need to step right back here OP.

Tell your DH you need to make Christmas plans so he needs to check with his DC what they are doing. Give him a couple of days and make your reservations accordingly. Then stick to them.

At 16 and 18 I would expect that your DH just makes arrangements with his DC and not through their DM. If she is controlling thats just asking for trouble.

From the POV of the 18 year old...I would find it odd that my parents were still trying to organise my Christmas/life.

@Nonose yes I can see she's being controlling are they very young for their age? Is there any valid reason she's controlling their movements - I wouldnt be able to make my ds go to his dfs at any point just make suggestions that it's been a while and go see your dad.

She needs to take a step back she could be struggling with the boys coming into adulthood and letting go. Or as suggested above worried about the end of CMS payments.

However, none of this is your problem. I would encourage your DP to speak with them directly about what they want to do about Xmas and them directly around contact esp with the 18 year old! My oldest ds moved out at that age I couldnt imagine trying to make him stick to eow contact with his dad like she is. She is nacho your problem so try to take a step back from it all. Easier said than done I know!

By 16 I wasn't involved in DS seeing his dad, just not needed. I just asked that DS checked the calendar in case I had arranged something and it needed rearranging etc

From the POV of the 18 year old...I would find it odd that my parents were still trying to organise my Christmas/life

By far the majority of 18 year olds are dependent still and either living with their parents or would expect to return to their parents over university holidays. Very few would be seeking to spend Xmas outside of their immediate families, even when they have a long term relationship. Sure, they can choose who to spend Xmas with but surely the majority would do whatever the established routine is and/or follow younger siblings?