Disney dad and new baby

[mannytomanny]

How do step mums who have an ours baby cope with Disney dadding?
I.e if step kids come three times a week and get fizzy drinks and junk food because 'they don't get it at their mums' cope when there is a full time child who only gets these things when step kids are around as it would be unrealistic to behave that way 24/7. This also goes for day trips, meals out etc.
Is it fair to save up all the good stuff for the bio kid to coincide with step children or did you have a word with DH about managing it.
This is hypothetical as our baby isn't yet born (20 weeks) but I am just thinking about the future.
Step kids are 6 and 9 so dunno if that makes much difference

I think with those age gaps you've got a while before its an issue. By the time your child is wanting junk food, the rules will be different due to ages.
I wouldn't expect a 2/3 year old to eat the same amount of junk and fizzy drinks as an 8/9 year old.
Likewise days and meals out, stuff the baby would like (but older kids wouldn't) when the step kids aren't there. Stuff the older kids like when they're there (you aren't going to want to drag the older ones to baby sensory/post man pat world).
With a 6/7 year age gap as the smallest, the needs will be different and the rules will be different and that's ok, and would happen in any household with those gaps.

@negomi90 that's good to know, when my baby is 1/2 the youngest will be 8/9 so hopefully not an issue, ie 'they will be allowed sugary drinks because they are older 😉not sure why I even worried about it

At least you have got a heads-up as to how your dh parents his children so it won’t come as an unplayable surprise to you
Count yourself lucky in that regard

Unpleasant - not unplayable

My concern is how ‘disney dad’ is going to parent the child you’re expecting, because if he will be parenting them very differently then you’ve got a problem…

It seems that dad is providing treats and special outings for all of his kids at the same time. How is anyone being denied anything if they are all getting them in the same place at the same time ?

Child rearing will bring enough real issues; I would not begin to borrow hypothetical issues until and unless the materialize.

Oh dear. I think I would have thought about and talked about this before deciding to have another baby with him. Because it will be an issue long term. It would be different if they only came eow but they’re there half the week. How does this Disney dad attitude extend to his behaviour management etc?

Ok so Disney dads tend to get worse at 2. Main points it seems.

Marriage (because they tend to feel they have to make up to DC that the first marriage broke down)

And new baby (because they have to share time which ironically they would have to have down if sibling was with first family)

Your not at fault for not being mystic Meg for not seeing this coming regardless of what PP have put.

You need to speak to DH and explain that the house rules apply to every child in the house, and that you cannot treat SC as different from DC as they will all notice and cause various issues down the line.

Have a look at the nachoing thread it will help !

Did you discuss parenting styles before you got pregnant? If not why? Was it not a concern?
And if you did, what was the outcome?

Three days a week isn't Disney dad territory, it's his parenting. It's almost 50:50 and this is how he parents, there is no reason to think he will parent your joint child any differently.

The age gap will mean the comparison isn't the issue, but for me the way he parents would be.

@lunar1

Three days a week isn't Disney dad territory, it's his parenting. It's almost 50:50 and this is how he parents, there is no reason to think he will parent your joint child any differently.

The age gap will mean the comparison isn't the issue, but for me the way he parents would be.

See now I would disagree with that to some extent.

Disney dadding is a parenting style - even if he had them full time. Sometimes the guilt interferes with how they would normally approach parenting if the guilt from the previous marriage is still lingering.

It sounds like he’s feeding them junk to get one over on his ex. That’s weird and unpleasant. Is he going to want to parent this baby in ways that try to get one over on you?

You’ll get a say in what your child eats and drinks, when they go to bed, how often they bath etc but you might be pushing water uphill if he’s the type to push boundaries on purpose because he’s obsessed with being the fun parent.

You must have discussed these things before now? How did that go?

He’ll go one of two ways. Either take the same lax indulgent irresponsible approach to parenting your shared child, which will be rubbish for you and put you in the boring mum camp. Or he’ll expect far more of the child he’s with full time who’ll see their half siblings given free reign while they have to eat vegetables and drink water and brush their teeth properly, which will feel rubbish to them.

No child should have a compromised childhood because they happen to have non resident older half siblings. If DH told me we couldn’t do stuff with our toddler till his preteens were here I’d tell him to piss of and go anyway. Life goes on and they do fun age appropriate things with their mum. We’ve given them many years of adventures and activities, holidays, stuff they wanted. DD gets the same. Some of it they join in with some they don’t.

@candlelightsatdawn, you are right! I guess I was thinking that his Disney behaviour is different because he's not compensating for seeing them less often.

He probably will be a Disney dad to children he has full time too.

I was quite happy happy with his parenting style, he's not a Disney dad in terms of discipline and the children are super well behaved. As the pregnancy has progressed and it becomes more real I just wonder about dynamics.
The main thing I worry about is the chocolate, sweeties and especially fizzy drinks! Mostly for teeth, neither me him or his children are over weight and the do brush their teeth. I feel more reassured aim regards to the age gap

I understand this OP and have had the same worries myself as my DP lets SCs have far more junk and sweets/chocolate than I would allow.

I guess the easiest thing is to just blame it on the age difference. I will do the same, and I can also use the excuse that SCs are only around the during the weekend or if they are here for a week in school holidays so it can always be explained as more of a 'treat' due to that. I would struggle if they were around during the week though as I don't know how you could say no to one child while the other 2 are having chocolate bars after dinner etc.

@LittleMysSister that's some decent advice here if the issue is sugary sweets.

Blame the age gap ! It's probably just a odd quirk but if that's the only thing is not the hills I would die on.

@candlelightsatdawn Yeah luckily my DP is pretty good with most things, the only issues like this I can envision are food and potentially late bedtimes, but luckily the age difference would be so much (SCs are 7 and 11) that I think that could hopefully cover most eventualities.

It's just hard because my SCs and my DP have something sweet after every single meal (even breakfast!!) so I can envision it being hard to try and not let that habit develop in our joint child when they see their older siblings getting to have, say, a little Kinder bar after their breakfast and then again after their lunch, and then again after their dinner.

I can really see how people struggle with it even more if they have their SCs through the week where it can't be explained away as a weekend/holiday treat.

@LittleMysSister yes bed times is a sore point too but actually they are only here over night once a fortnight so really not a biggie! Also the age difference will definitely get that explained away.
The more I think on it the more I feel it isn't an issue. I have discussed with DP our possible differences in parenting but I'm not even a parent yet so I have no idea what I'll be like, I know I'll be caring and loving but that's about it, I'm not sure if I'll be strict or a total softie, all new to me :)

The thing is, you knew this is what he was like when you decided to start a family with him.

He’s a great dad but feeds the kids junk - that’s not being a great parent.

You should sit down & have an open chat about how health & nutrition for bubs has been weighing on your mind heavily & that you want different for your child.

I would openly tell him that him feeding his kids junk is something that you dislike about his parenting style. People can sometimes respond better if the other person isn’t accusatory, just disappointed.

We have a more relaxed approach at weekends so our DC understand there are treats at the weekend (which happens to be when DSD is here) but in the week we are healthy.
In terms of days out we do naturally do the bigger days out when DSD is here as we don’t want her to miss out but with an age difference we then do more things for the younger DC when she isn’t here (like farms and soft play).

@AnneLovesGilbert

It sounds like he’s feeding them junk to get one over on his ex. That’s weird and unpleasant. Is he going to want to parent this baby in ways that try to get one over on you?

You’ll get a say in what your child eats and drinks, when they go to bed, how often they bath etc but you might be pushing water uphill if he’s the type to push boundaries on purpose because he’s obsessed with being the fun parent.

You must have discussed these things before now? How did that go?

He’ll go one of two ways. Either take the same lax indulgent irresponsible approach to parenting your shared child, which will be rubbish for you and put you in the boring mum camp. Or he’ll expect far more of the child he’s with full time who’ll see their half siblings given free reign while they have to eat vegetables and drink water and brush their teeth properly, which will feel rubbish to them.

No child should have a compromised childhood because they happen to have non resident older half siblings. If DH told me we couldn’t do stuff with our toddler till his preteens were here I’d tell him to piss of and go anyway. Life goes on and they do fun age appropriate things with their mum. We’ve given them many years of adventures and activities, holidays, stuff they wanted. DD gets the same. Some of it they join in with some they don’t.

This

Like someone already said, the age difference will be big, probably they won't be having the same kinds of food. And also, why would you be stressed out over giving your child crappy food? Ahahahah
Just don't.