AIBU to be insecure about lying to kids?

[Timmytime2025]

I met a wonderful man early this year . We get on so well and have tonnes in common. When we are together it’s fantastic but insecurity has started to creep in for me as it has become serious for me.

Although separated for many years he isn’t divorced. They got back together for a period a few years ago for the children and have been split again for three years. They coparent together 50/50 and live very close to one another.

We haven’t met one another’s children. I don’t have an ex on the scene so I don’t have these issues.

The wife has another partner that lives with her. Even so my partner is running round doing all sorts for her which I feel is a little unnecessary. She is a very strong personality and he hates to rock the boat. She talks to him about her relationship and then calls up with the most ridiculous requests - she is on speaker phone so I hear it. He tends to comply. He says it is all for the children’s benefit. I suspect he just does anything for a quiet life. If she is upset she gets drunk and passes out which upsets the kids.

He tells me the children know about me but will not tell them if he isn’t having them and we are on a date or something. We have had mini breaks. If they call him he will say he is out doing something else. He is a good dad and I do find it attractive how he wants to spend so much time with them. I do feel it is an unnecessary thing to lie to them though and have told him so. I assume this is because the ex doesn’t know about me unless they kids have told her .. Then I start to wonder if the kids don’t know either.. He swears they do.

This is a good relationship other than this. We have a fair amount of time on our own and it’s brilliant but I am attached now and concerned about the future heartache. He talks about the future a lot and us all spending time together but nothing happens in terms of solid plans. His wider family and friends do know all about us. They are glad he has found someone new that makes him happy.

I totally understand not wanting to introduce kids too early especially when they have had upheaval. My kids know about him. If we are on a date il tell them the truth. His what I see as dishonesty upsets me. It isn’t about meeting them.

I have asked him about the divorce he says she just makes a huge fuss and won’t sort it out or threatens to hire expensive solicitors when it should be simple.

He hasn’t ever had a relationship with anyone else or introduced the kids to anyone. He feels huge guilt they are from a “broken home” although it seems they were very volatile as a couple.

I have been cheated on in the past. The vast majority of this is so good but the insecurity I am feeling isn’t nice. I have told him how I feel he says I am being silly and quite plausibly says he will talk to her about the divorce and explains it away.

AIBU to be feeling insecure about this situation? Or is it just life when you are dating in your 50s…

My husband and I dated for a long time and never told either set of kids.initially, we had no interest in marrying anyone and did not feel that either our lives or our kids lives were in anyway enhanced by them being informed of our dating or our love life.

If he is still married to the mother of his kids, are you telling. Your kids that you are dating a married man.

However wonderful this man may be, it does not sound as though he is looking for a life partner and does not need a mother for his children. He may only want a long term romantic partner.

He is not lying to his children and depending upon how you are representing this relationship to your children you may be closer to misrepresenting the reality than he is.

If you need something more than a comfortable adult romantic relationship, you may be moving much faster than your dating partner.

Ask yourself why, if he is currently meeting your needs, how or why are you bothered by the fact that he plays occasional handy.man in the house where his children live? It does not sound as though he is cheating on you. Maybe his boundaries are just different than yours.

If you cannot trust the relationship that you have, then there is absolutely no reason to tell your children any more about this relationship.

Oh no. Nooo way. Back out now. He's not on board because he's keeping his options open with her.

FortunesFave, may be right or it just may be that neither of them is interested in marrying again. By not divorcing , they have insured themselves against the possibility of yet another failed marriage. Remaining married may provide a safety net for both of them.

If this situation is more complicated than you want, why wonder about it. Step away and find a dating partner who at the very least is single.

Everyone’s co parenting relationships are different. His co parenting relationship with his ex was established before you came along so respect it. His parenting choice to tell his children that he is doing something else when he is actually with you is his personal decision to make as the children’s father, so respect that. Just as he should respect your co parenting relationship with your ex and your parental decisions with your children.

If you honestly don’t or can’t respect his parental decisions or his co parenting arrangements then maybe you are not truly compatible.

Thank you all.

My issue is that when we first met I was really clear about what I did want. As was he.

He talks about us getting a house together. He talks about the kids all having fun together. He talks about our retirement. These subjects weren’t initially raised by me. On a very regular basis he talks about the future. I have pointed out that no one is moving in together or anything else when he is married to someone else. In his mind he seems to think he only is in name. Or perhaps it means he can talk and never do.

I didn’t ask him to tell his kids he told me he had. Mine do know that he’s married and separated.

He would meet mine but he he seems to have this block when it comes to his. Because I am feeling as I am I haven’t wanted to build that relationship with mine.

His behaviour when we are together and over me is genuine. He is very thoughtful and romantic and kind generally except in this area. I believe that the other relationship was pretty awful for him as mine was for me.

Feeling like he may be disingenuous isn’t nice. He doesn’t want to marry again at all so yes that could well be it. In my head though the wanting to compartmentalise to the point of telling lies to kids hurts my feelings.

Last time I raised this he said he had been thinking of getting divorced and wanted to. Said it never happened because she didn’t want to. For a good while he was super attentive and said he was just struggling with the ex moving the new person into his old house rather than about the ex. He says having someone else living with his kids was hard. I get that. That they had a lot of change.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts thank you.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 red flags galore OP.

@Timmytime2025
Your life with this man consists of 3 things:
1.That which he tells you

1. That which he demonstrates
2. That which you are willing to accept

I am not certain that telling your kids that you are dating a married man as opposed to his not telling his kids gives you the ethical high ground in this situation. Certainly, there was a time when you might not have thought it right to date a married man- particularly if you are ,50 years or older. Maybe in spite of his willingness to date , he is not eager to present himself to his children as a married man who is dating given his easily remedied situation.

It does not matter how expensive his wife' s attorney might be; he only has to pay his own attorney. Generally high dollar attorneys are looking for upmarket clients who have significant assets and can afford to pay their significant fees.

There is a reasonable chance that your new partner and his ex have a " devil that you know " agreement in place wherein they won't divorce until such time that one or the other of them finds someone that they deem worthy of putting themselves through the aggravation of a divorce. If not, they will likely reconcile and spend their golden years together with all of their assets in place.

You have to decide if you are willing to be a bit player in their drama

There is a reasonable chance that your new partner and his ex have a " devil that you know " agreement in place wherein they won't divorce until such time that one or the other of them finds someone that they deem worthy of putting themselves through the aggravation of a divorce. If not, they will likely reconcile and spend their golden years together with all of their assets in place.

There could be other things in play. I'd guess that it could more to do with protecting his inheritance for his children. Not sure there is much in it for him to spend his golden years with someone who passes out drunk in front of the children. Would she be there for him if he became terminally ill etc?

Pensions too. Defined benefit or not or both? A company pension goes to the wife, lump sums can be directed to the children.

Also depends what country you are in. If it's the UK, there is no fault divorce on the horizon, which he might prefer. Separations and then reconvening make divorces more complicated. Not sure if he would be liable for her legal fees here either - but if one party hires a top gun, the other might worry about being utterly screwed.

Or is he Catholic? Social complications. Perhaps he has a church life that he wants to hang on to.

He avoids conflict like the plague, though. So that needs bearing in mind.

Why isn't he getting a divorce? That would be the key thing for me.

My husband was still married when I met him but divorce proceedings had begun. His ex held things up for a number of reasons but the main thing for me was that he was pushing for divorce.

It does sound to me that he bows down too much to what the ex wants and if he can't start to stand up to her then this would be an issue for me as she's going to try and rule your lives further down the line.

What age are his kids?

When I had a partner (recently split), I told me dd about him and she knew we were dating. However, if she had been with her dad for the weekend and I had said (for example) "oh me and DP are going to London for the weekend, going to a show, out fo dinner etc" she'd have felt a bit left out and would've been upset at sitting in her dads watching tv and going to the park while I was off doing something much more exciting.

It was always easier to pretend i was just doing mundane every day things as it meant she was happier on her time with her dad without feeling she was missing out

Life is to short for that headache OP.

He may just be testing the waters, but from your point of view it has the feel of being invited to participate in an open marriage. I don't think anyone playing 'better the devil you know' is entitled to any moral standing, high or low!

No bloody WAY would i tell my children

No a chance. Not until I’d been with him for years. I don’t want anything to disrupt them. They adore our little family unit of 3.

The poster has said that this man has definitively stated that he does not want to marry ever again. That is about as concrete a statement as you can make. If he has no desire to ever remarry under any circumstances, he probably has no pressing need to divorce. He seemingly has regular access to his children, assumed my his assets are intact. Both he and his wife are obviously comfortable with dating other people. In my opinion, they are both modeling terrible behavior to their children, but they both appear to be comfortable with their status quo. It does not appear that anyone is being mislead about the current status of this situation. The real question is why would anyone complain and yet sticking around in this situation?

How old are his children op?

He’s burying his head in the sand.

I suspect it’s not you at all. He believes if he maintains the status quo that is, the marriage, the custody and the house then he can’t be blamed for splitting everyone up. He can’t have that guilt for the kids having a ‘broken home’.

The reality is until he puts boundaries into place with his ex you will be second fiddle. And it will get worse. I suspect her behaviour will escalate when she finds out about you and I don’t think that’s because she loves him I think that’s because she doesn’t want someone else to have him, she needs her confidant and handyman.

You can’t change him, he has to want to do it for himself. So the best you can do is control your decisions and happiness. I’d probably say to him that his behaviour isn’t normal, that I don’t think he is ready to move on and that while he talks about the future a lot his actions don’t match. It’s almost as if he’s trying to convince himself. I would lay it all on the table, calmly and somewhat coldly and see what he says.

But it will only be the act of you walking away - if anything - that will force his hand. And you have to be prepared to go there.

Although separated for many years he isn't divorced.

Read that sentence again OP, and decide if you can accept the situation as it is. If you can't, (and I know I couldn't) you need to walk away, as he is NOT going to get divorced because it makes you uncomfortable/insecure. Both he and his DW are happy with the status quo,

To be honest I don't know many women who would be happy dating a legally married man (despite his separation, it is what it is) for the long term with no end in sight. I don't blame you for feeling as you do.

When I met DP he was still legally married, as was I. When our relationship got serious, I went ahead with my divorce (it was laziness and money that had stopped me!) his was longer as they had more assets and a slightly complicated situation with a house, BUT also he was definitely reluctant to make the final step of being divorced, and the difficult conversations that would involve. I didn’t want to always be with a married man and I told him so. I had a timeframe in my head things needed to be resolved by, and if they weren’t, that was going to be the end for me. I didn’t tell him this like an ultimatum, it was something I had decided for myself. You have to weigh up the day to day stress if being in a situation you are uncomfortable with, against the benefits of the relationship.

Two pronged issue

Lying to his children about seeing you / I totally get. And I will do exactly the same.

Not divorcing - if you are genuinely serious about each other then I’d be worried
You have no rights whatsoever in the event of his sudden death. She would hold all the cards

If he has been separated for a minimum of 4.5 years and isn't looking to get divorced using 5 years separated where consent isn't needed from his spouse, then you need to dump him.

This is regardless of what he is telling his children about you.

You need to realise that you can be treated better in your relationships.

Thank you to everyone. I went round on Saturday and calmly explained that I wasn’t happy with the situation. I didn’t issue any ultimatums I just said that I won’t be continuing like this indefinitely. I also made it very clear that I wouldn’t have got involved were I under the impression that was going to be the case in the first place.

There was quite a bit more to it than I was aware of not that it vindicates anyone. Long and short of it was he had basically stuck his head in the sand and it hadn’t really been a priority before now.

I left and the got an email within a couple of hours. He went online and applied so he has started the process. Lots to think about from everyone’s posts but the advice is much appreciated.