Family dynamics

Mum22boys2sk · 2021-11-02T22:56:52+00:00

I have an 18yr SD 15yr SS 8yr old son and 3 year old son. I have been in their lives for 12 years and the SK lost their mum last year. The 18 year old is trying to parent my 8 and 3 year old even when I'm in the same room (has done for a few years keep having same problems) ive asked her not to do this and she turns to me and says well if you didn't give in to him and let him get away with stuff he might listen to you. my 8 year old is being treated very differently to my 3yr old eg both SK tell me 3 yr they love him and give him kisses and cuddles and all they seem to do is pick on and bully the 8yr old till he gets upset and socks and then they call him a sook which then gets me upset and it ends up in an argument and usually I'm the one who gets her head ripped off over it. Please help at my wits end

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

KylieKoKo · 02/11/2021 22:59

Have your step children had any outside support for losing their mum like greif counselling?

Original poster

Mum22boys2sk · 02/11/2021 23:19

Unfortunately not that I'm aware of, it has been something that has been spoken about and I'm unsure of the outcome. Their dad has always been one of these people that think if I'm not hard on them its ok. He doesn't deal with his issues either tho

The problems I'm talking about have been going on long before she passed away Unfortunately and have increasingly gotten worse.

OP posts:

Ikeatears · 03/11/2021 00:14

You need to have an honest conversation with them about the fact that although the 8 year old seems like a big kid, he's still a baby and gets upset. You also should get the 18 year old onside in terms of working together not against each other where the little ones are concerned. Make an ally of her.

PaintedDaisy · 03/11/2021 07:38

They are old enough to understand when you tell them to quit it. Your DH needs to stick up for the 8 year old not let them pick on them.

PaintedDaisy · 03/11/2021 07:39

The 18 year old is an adult now so I'd speak to them how you would any other adult who tried to parent your son.

Innocenta · 03/11/2021 09:11

They're grieving. You need to focus more on that and not so much on favouring your own PFB. They clearly aren't hostile or biased towards your DC in general, so consider how your child's behaviour actually is affecting the situation. Grief is trauma and you need to be giving a lot of support, not judgement.

PaintedDaisy · 03/11/2021 09:43

@Innocenta they can't take out their grieving on the 8 year old.

PaintedDaisy · 03/11/2021 09:44

The problems I'm talking about have been going on long before she passed away and they've been acting like this long before they were grieving

Innocenta · 03/11/2021 09:46

@PaintedDaisy there's no evidence that's actually what they are doing.

MollysDolly · 03/11/2021 09:53

She's still in the grieving process. So don't take it personally, this is how she's exercising some control in her life, when everything has been pulled from under her. I can not comprehend how it must feel to lose your mother at 17.

Her actions aren't appropriate. But you need to put her actions into context. Maybe she's directing at you, and I mean this in a very matter of fact way, because she feels you are alive and their mother, yet she had hers taken away. Maybe there is resentment for you just being present when life seems so unfair about her own mum. This isn't a you thing. You're just the one who stands there as the embodiment. Those feelings whilst unfair to you, would be understandable, especially in a teenager. I think you need to be a lot more gentle with her. Let her know it's great she helps, maybe give her jobs like putting the 3yr old to bed every other day. The more you fight against her, the more she will thrive on it, as it gives her something to fight against. And she needs to fight how unjust life seems.

Definitely seek a counsellor. And remember you are the adult in this, she is acting like a teenager, a teenager that's lost her mum.

PaintedDaisy · 03/11/2021 09:55

[quote Innocenta]@PaintedDaisy there's no evidence that's actually what they are doing. [/quote]
Then the grieving is irrelevant. They can't treat the 8 year old like that. Grieving or no grieving.

HadaVerde · 03/11/2021 10:44

@MollysDolly

She's still in the grieving process. So don't take it personally, this is how she's exercising some control in her life, when everything has been pulled from under her. I can not comprehend how it must feel to lose your mother at 17.

Her actions aren't appropriate. But you need to put her actions into context. Maybe she's directing at you, and I mean this in a very matter of fact way, because she feels you are alive and their mother, yet she had hers taken away. Maybe there is resentment for you just being present when life seems so unfair about her own mum. This isn't a you thing. You're just the one who stands there as the embodiment. Those feelings whilst unfair to you, would be understandable, especially in a teenager. I think you need to be a lot more gentle with her. Let her know it's great she helps, maybe give her jobs like putting the 3yr old to bed every other day. The more you fight against her, the more she will thrive on it, as it gives her something to fight against. And she needs to fight how unjust life seems.

Definitely seek a counsellor. And remember you are the adult in this, she is acting like a teenager, a teenager that's lost her mum.

This.

Tattler2 · 03/11/2021 11:12

@Mum22boys2sk
Even in intact nuclear families , it is not uncommon for siblings to have varying and different relationships. It is not uncommon for teenagers to cuddle and coddle very young siblings while being far less tolerant and engaged with the slightly older among their siblings.

Your step children may need some help in dealing with the loss of their mother ,and you should encourage your husband to consider counseling for them.

It can be a hazy line in a household between sibling input and sibling efforts to co-parent.

My teenage daughter will on occasion attempt to correct her younger brother , and at times she will say to him that he is annoying. I do not view that as an attempt on her part to usurp my role as a parent. Tbh ,he does sometimes do things that are annoying, and so does she. Neither of them feel unloved by the other despite the age differences and the occasional bickering. My step daughter and her younger brother have the same dynamics in play at times.

No one in the household attempts to suggest that anyone is being abused or mistreated. Instead, we remind all of them that they can all be annoying at various times.

You can remind the teenagers that they need to be somewhat more sensitive to their younger brother's feelings, and at the same time recognize that the younger brother may be annoying at times.