SM's with children of their own ?

[dorris88]

Hey - so DH and I have a DD3 and DSD 8.

I always imagined myself having 2 children. We have just decided we don't need anymore children and feel fulfilled.

I love my DSD as does my DD.

Will I live to regret not having another of my own? ATM i feel i will regret having another more than the latter, as everyone is so happy.

I am overwhelmed massively at the thought of it all... looking for people in the same situation where they didn't regret? Or they did regret,

So confused

If you cant tell

Following this threat with interest!

Similar here - DSS 9 and DH and I have DS 4.

We've just about come to the conclusion of no more. I often think it's the best of both worlds for us- Both boys get the sibling experience and get to spend lots of quality time together, but not so much time there's squabbles! DS gets to do lots of 4 year old stuff too when DSS isn't about. I personally don't feel the pull for another as like OP - we're happy as we are! But I would understand those that did.

I'm in the same situation and know other people with older children.

Both children have the advantage of being an only child sometimes but also having a sibling. Oh and in my case they squabble.

Similar set up. But I have 2 older DSC. My DC gets to be an only child and have all my financial and time efforts go towards her but also gets siblings. Works well for us. Sometimes I used to think what if I'd met someone without kids, would I have more. But the decision was made for me (I can't have any more kids). To be honest I can't imagine our family unit any other way now, the DSC are very much my family.

We each had our children coming into the relationship. We've since had one together which is nice as it feels like it has brought everyone together but it's also challenging as I do feel that sometimes our own DC has to take a backseat to his children especially (as mine are a lot older).

Ah so my DH has his DSD and I have my DD. We debated for ages but actually since we both come from fairly large families we wanted a tie breaker (as it were). We would probably go on to have more but I don't think my heart can take any more issues (I'm currently pregnant but we aren't sure if baby will make it here earth side currently). Seeing this play out with both my DDand DSD is a new horror that I wouldn't wish on anyone as they are both at different ages and levels of comprehension. I think we may stick to just one more if we are lucky enough to get him/her.

It's such a personal choice, money plays a higher factor in blended families that I think anyone would like to admit.

Having seen some of the posts on here is enough to put you off though due to the whole first family guilt that seems to be triggered by birth of a joint baby.

I have a SD who is 6 and we have a 17month old boy and a baby girl due in 4 weeks...needless to say was a surprise pregnancy but I always said to my partner I wanted 2-3 children. If he didn't already have a DD I would 100% want 3 together. Its yet another sacrifice we have to make as SMs. It does make me feel terribly sad to make the decision of no more, even though I am currently pregnant the idea of never doing it again saddens me but I guess that may happen regardless if I have a SD or not.

Its going to be extremely hard work but I am looking forward to my 2 growing up so close together, I just need to stand my ground occasionally as I am not letting them miss out on things as they have an older half sibling 50% of the time.

My DS aged 2 spends alot of time asking for his sister (DSD who lives with her mum) and offering things like grapes and play doh to his brother, DS2, who was stillborn and whose photo is on the shelf in the living room. He's one of three but growing up as an only child, which I hate because he's always looking for his siblings. We are currently TTC.
However, that's our story. If you are all fulfilled and happy as you are, then don't have another baby just because it seems like the done thing.

What is stopping everyone having more? Is it just finances?

For me it's not finances at all.

It's happiness/mental health. I have ADHD and suffer with feeling overwhelmed quite quickly (which turns into the more stereotypical adhd sign of blowing my top).

I can just about maintain this to be the gentle parent I want to be with my daughter and my SD. I've mastered screaming into pillows lol!

However the stressful parts of parenting are dwindling out and I'm really enjoying my DD, those moments are fair and far between she's actually a really good, fun little girl who I adore and the idea of me getting stressed with having her and another little baby scares the life out of me.

We're just at the point where we can do fun stuff together as a family of 4, all day as naps are gone and I guess I finally feel free?

I'm typing this out like yeah your definitely not going to regret this! Especially as one of those rare moments happened just now where for the last hour my DD has been 'too itchy' fo sleep 😂!

I have two teens dc and dh has dss 8. We are not having a baby. Sometimes I think I would quite like one but only when I'm ovulating.

We have adventures planned and a lovely life ahead of us. I've got one of each and don't massively enjoy parenting. There are elements but it's not my calling. Dh freely admits he is selfish and doesn't deal with stress well. He's really not the most laid back person and noise annoys him. I also think he would be hit with a massive brick of dad guilt, it was bad enough when we got married and took a good 7-9 months to resolve. I do feel slightly resentful that we won't have a baby and the biggest reason for that is dss, but I don't want to be a parent all over again either.

It's a hard one OP.

@SnowWhitesSM does sometimes the dad guilt come out of nowhere? Triggered by an event such as marriage or a birth? This terrifies me

Yes @Carolinesyear there was ZERO dad guilt before we got married. He was slightly soft but a normal parent. After we got married dss dm kicked right off for months and the dad guilt came out in full force. I turned into enemy no. 1 for a while. He really felt I was against dss. I nacho'd it and dh now parents again. It's taken a massive toll on us tbh and I havent let go of the resentment yet.

I would think that when making the decision to have another child, regardless of your situation, the questions should always be do you have the emotional and financial bandwidth to provide an additional child with all that they will need without compromising on what your existing children will need?

@Youseethethingis

My DS aged 2 spends alot of time asking for his sister (DSD who lives with her mum) and offering things like grapes and play doh to his brother, DS2, who was stillborn and whose photo is on the shelf in the living room. He's one of three but growing up as an only child, which I hate because he's always looking for his siblings. We are currently TTC. However, that's our story. If you are all fulfilled and happy as you are, then don't have another baby just because it seems like the done thing.

Just a note to say again I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 virtual squeeze.

My DD hangs our little ones stocking for him each Christmas and every year she donates a toy the angel baby stocking and I know just how your heart swells and also breaks at the same time.

I hope your TTC journey goes smoothly and to plan xx

In answer to previous poster.

Finances were my consideration because I'm the high earner in the house and frankly had a much higher standard of living then what SDd previously had or has with her DM. I was worried about DSD losing a lot of her added privileges she's gained from joining this house. As you all know DH is crap with money. However I have readjusted this thought process, I will still do our shared expensive hobby and treat her but i don't be paying for her by default because DH hasn't sorted his money out.

Dad guilt was triggered for us by the fact as soon as you tell family ah candles is pregnant peoples first words usually ahh "oh congratulations oh god how have the kids taken, it you don't want them to be excluded" like being pregnant would suddenly mean both me and DH would forget about the kids 🙄 and put them under the stairs. Repeat 100 times abs it get to you.

That and the fact that everyone in the family knows DSD has lived a pretty much sole focus only child living the life lifestyle and is dare I say this pretty privileged. However this has come to a point were actually her actions are showing she needs to learn some type of empathy and is at her heart, lonely. Being a only child hasn't done her any good and it shows.

You cannot prevent any impact to their lives if you chose to have another baby because that's the nature of siblings. Financially sure, space wise and bedroom wise sure, but siblings mean sharing time. There's only a certain amount of hours in the day and that is that.

DH had is sister point out that actually DSD could do with a sibling because she's never learned to give and take, only take.

The prospect of another baby really did it for us re guilt but only once pregnant. The pregnancy not going well has kinda swung it into perspective for DH. He stopped imagining all the things what DSD might lose (things he has never done in past I might add ) and focused on actually DSD might lose yet another sibling again.
That brought reality for him crashing down with a massive bump.

@SnowWhitesSM that really worries me, I've heard from so many people that marriage changes relationships and often to their detriment. I'm getting married in two months and pregnant with our ours baby.
DP has said he wants more than one and hasn't ruled out three!! But I worry he'll change his mind, sometimes you hear that they just put their foot down and I'd hate to have just one I've always wanted a large family.
My DP can never say no to his ex, this is his failing. He can say no to his children but the they are at very pleasing age, I can imagine when they turn into moany teenagers it might change his mind on children in general!
Our hold back isn't money or time, it's the fact our house only has two bedrooms! Is this a reason to not have more children? The Chinese manage hahaha

My exh had dc.. I never wanted any dc with him-I had 3 young dc.. His exes (2) were an added stress and tbh I didn't want the connection of us sharing a dc's df! He had a vasectomy..
Then we divorced.. I remarried and had a dc with him!! Stress free!!

[quote Carolinesyear]@SnowWhitesSM does sometimes the dad guilt come out of nowhere? Triggered by an event such as marriage or a birth? This terrifies me [/quote]
The dad guilt (which destroyed my marriage) kicked in at 3 points, each worse than the previous.

1. When we bought a house together. His ex kicked off, denied him any contact, and that sent him into a Disney dad spiral.

1. The pregnancy and birth of our baby amplified this Disney dad spiral as a kind of compensation. His children (as a result) did not become accustomed to any new place in a family (they became even bigger exceptions that made family life impossible). His DD (who has never acted like a child with a sibling, despite having a younger brother) became even more demanding and difficult of everything wasn’t centred entirely around what she wanted. His DS also became more demanding and absolutely could not cope with not being the youngest child. Their dad’s choices and behaviour caused this. He could have helped them adjust and tried to build a family but he did the opposite.

1. I stupidly married him (I though it was teething problems and he’d get over it) and that seemed to bring out an enormous sense of entitlement. ‘You’re my wife’, ‘you’re their stepmother’ so that means you must just be an unpaid housekeeper, nanny and general scapegoat.

It became completely untenable. It all had a dreadful effect on my children and me. So I left him.

What is stopping everyone having more? Is it just finances?

Mental health, my lack of desire for more children and my age in that order. We could have afforded another child.

Gosh what a mine field. I really do worry about our future and how things could change after marriage and babies but I suppose you can't stay in one spot just because you're frightened. I've nacho'd the DSC from the beginning and I don't feel it's caused any resentment but maybe this will come when I take on a mother role with my own child and it will be more obvious. Tbh I wouldn't even mind taking on more responsibilities with the DSC at the moment but I'm wary of getting too involved incase they become nightmares as teenagers and I've made a rod for my own back

Me and DH have no joint DC's, I have 3 DSC and 1 DS of my own.

Been a SM now for 15 years and when they were younger it was something we discussed, having 1 that joined them all but tbh we never got around to it. Some due to having 4 kids most weekends and DH having 3 DC's by 2 different moms already.

There were times over the years I thought more about it, especially when there was conflict with exe's or times we went to court over access as I used to feel so sad that my DS had siblings over the weekends then suddenly missed seeing them and how if he had his own sibling by me - but really I didn't want a baby to be a gap filler or have the pressure of the one that binds them IYSWIM.

Years on now, I am glad we didn't. DSS is 17 and lives with us. Both DS and DSD have children (2 YO, 13 WO and now 10 day old). They all come for dinner every week together, they go out swimming together etc with the babies (well before new born but sure they will again after) and have relationships independently to us.

They have a great relationship and love each other and their DN's and it's great.

@rumrunner123 lovely to hear such a positive story, sounds like you made the right decision for yourselves and your blended family :)

I have one DS of my own whose dad is not involved, and 2 DSC.

Everyone gets on fine at the moment, I'm terrified that a baby would ruin the dynamic and trigger dad guilt. I think I would also feel guilty and worried about DS feeling left out.

Away from step family issues, me and DP had our children relatively young, and are now beginning to get some of our independence back. We aren't keen on doing it all over again now.