Step-son makes my life so hard

[CareTog]

My Step son is living with autism and has pathalogical demand avoidance, I get that life is hard for him. His traits are easy to manage and he is very clever but his PDA is horrendous, any task he is asked to do results in f'ing and jeff'ing, screeming and personally blaming whoever is around him and he is getting worse and worse. He is 12 and not started puberty yet, Im beside myslef thinking things are only gonna get worse!
He is under CAMH and I have tried all the other agencies I can think of.
Its effecting me so badly that I tense up whenever he is around and I am not the parent I want to be. The other children in the house are also being effected, we walk on egg shells all the time!
Is there anyone out there with a light at the end of the long tunnel story?

What is your DH doing to manage this? Surely he should be taking the lead.

There are quite a few support groups on fb for PDA, they may be a good place to ask for help.

Okie dokie so my DSD isn't neotypical not same issues as your DSS but similar. This creates issues sometimes.

Firstly when dealing with screaming child that isn't yours. Remember it's not up to you to fix nor is it a reflection on you as a parent, it's hard really hard. I mean this kindly but he has two parents who should be addressing this with him but I get why your here. Your here because you care but you need to also watch out for yourself too.

On to practical advice, even people who are not neotypical like your DSS they can understand right from wrong (but need to be taught) and require even more boundaries and rules than most children. In a blended family that is BLOODY HARD as because you cannot always control the boundaries as you may not have the teeth that will make it meaningful for this child . But your DH does so have a sit down with him and write out very specific rules if this happens = y being done and you both agreed to stick to it like glue.

If you get push back I would highlight that this is what your DSS needs to flourish as a adult and for DH to put aside his guilt any Disney dad he's doing and tell him to look towards what hopes he has for DSS in the future. Remind him even with a neotypical child this will cause damage later down the line, if he doesn't have firm boundaries and rules in place. This isn't what DSS wants it's about what he needs.

This child will test those boundaries more than most so you guys need to be a united front on this. You cannot control what goes down at mums home but you 100% have the chance to do it in yours.

Child with these issues need structure boundaries to feel safe and will completely go off rails without it.

💐 it's hard so so hard.

@candlelightsatdawn extra boundaries and rules for children with ASD/PDA will cause more trauma, not less.

Are the other children shared, yours, his?

@BurntTheFuckOut that's not what our DSD doctors say but you know autism is a spectrum with each subdivision having its own quirks and fully willing to accept it maybe different for other branches of the same tree as it were . From my understanding there's a debate with this in the profession and which approach works best I have found this website helpful raisingchildren.net.au/autism/behaviour/common-concerns/discipline-for-children-teens-with-asd

But since I don't specialise in this area and im not a expert -I have to default to the specialist, but I can only speak to what worked for us. Which is why I say clear rules and boundaries helped us because it gave a routine to allow for praise. Obviously it goes without saying but punishments such as anything psychical or hitting is a no no but I wouldn't take that approach with any child in my care let alone a non neurological typical one.

Also extreme boundaries or discipline rarely works for any child and that's not what I was referring to.

Are you married to his father?

Have you tried creating a list of possible tasks and letting him pick from the list? That allows him more control, so less demand, more choice. List needs to be well framed though, or points allocated according to how much of a chore the task would be if you were stuck with it!

PDA is the reason why traditional parenting methods don’t work, very much more so than the ASD.

I think you just have to remember it's anxiety driven, even if he wants to or knows he has to do what your asking it just sends him into a panic and he becomes completely overwhelmed.

If you scroll down there are some tips that might be useful at the end of this.
www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk/special-educational-needs/help-and-advice/identifying-and-dealing-with-pda

I think it's all about phrasing and how you can get him to do things without actually saying 'can you do this now'. He needs a gentler approach and a lot of time and effort put into his parenting. I have one with ASD and I can imagine PDA is much harder especially in combination, I'm sure his anxiety is sky high.

Oh and for the ASD - as much routine as possible, lots of preparation for any change in routine, lots of warning for a change of activity or when it is nearing time to go out, own space that he can escape to (don't know if this is possible but it really is a necessity and his dad should insist on it for him), his own things that he doesn't have to share and no one else is allowed to move or touch, lots of time to quietly chill out and be alone after he has had to be around others ie after school and try to prevent him becoming over tired or hangry.

His dad really needs to be on top of this though, it's not fair for it to be falling on you. I can't stress enough how much a child like this needs his own room though. If he doesn't have one currently because he's not there all the time then I would forget that logic and give him his own room anyway, it could significantly improve things for all of you.