DSS suddenly won’t visit

[Actupfishy]

Sorry for long post.

We have a blended family DP, I have daughter from previous relationship and he has son from previous relationship (both 7) and we now have a 8 month old baby.

We’ve always all got along great, we have ss every other weekend and during school holidays, kids get along great, we go and on lots of days out etc…we aren’t particularly strict parents but do insist on kids going to bed at set time.
DSS is a lovely lad, very well behaved and polite. He has always got a little upset at bedtime as he misses his mum but nothing an extra cuddle and making him laugh wouldn’t fix, he doesn’t have his own room here but in the process of buying new place where he will have his own bedroom (also has a great relationship with his grandmother who visits regularly when he’s here).
He is a bit of an anxious kid, sometimes develops a bit of an obsession with things and I definitely think that the pandemic affected his mental health (became slightly obsessed with germs).

He’s home situation is mum and step dad (calls him daddy but that is another story and he has been in his life a long time) and younger sister.

The last couple of times he has come to visit has been awful tears and screaming that he didn’t want to come - 1st time we managed to convince him to come in begrudgingly by distraction and on the promise that if he really wanted to go home the next day (was meant to be staying for a few days) but once here as usual had a lovely time, I asked him when he was relaxed why he didn’t want to come and he just always says ‘I miss my mummy’.

Last night was due to visit for 3 days, lots of fun Halloween activities planned.

He wouldn’t get out of the car again screaming and crying, DP was stood outside for an hour trying to convince him but he point blank refused, his mum was quite distressed and suggested trying again another time, DP felt he didn’t want to force him in as doesn’t want him seeing him as some ogre dragging him away from his mum.

Anyone had any experience of any of this, poor DP is at complete loss and obviously devastated, have thought maybe a child physiologist to get to the bottom of the issue (if there is one).

Any advice?

We went through this with my DS. We've managed to resolve it with a lot of patience.

Ex-DP had to swallow his pride around having DS stay at his and instead come to him. He took him for lunch, took him for a hot chocolate, all small outings just them two with no pressure on him to go back and stay.

It's taken a while but he now (albeit a little reluctantly and he always prefers to be at mine) goes as per our previous EOW arrangements.

Sounds really tough, I'm so sorry.
Perhaps a few days at a time is just a bit too much? What is the set up, does your partner have shared care?
It is hard going between houses, I'm understanding he has primary residence at his mother's?
I think perhaps a solution would be to start at the basic again, day contact or just one overnight, it could result in him having a lovely time and actually wanting to stay longer if he's given the choice.. Perhaps he is subconsciously hyping himself up because he knows 3 days away from his mum is a long time and it's just making it worse at handover.

I think a family therapist might be helpful. Even if done with good intentions it was not in the boys best interest to call his stepfather "Daddy". If the mother would rather he didn't go then there isn't much that can be done really.

Your DH can take him out to lunch maybe bring him back to the house if he feels comfortable and just go from there really.

Yes I think you’re right that 3 days is potentially too long, it’s just that it has almost come from nowhere and he would bound over happily, the change in him is so out of character. Did you wonder if the new baby could be the issue or the fact that he sees his home life as his unit family and is confused as to why he has to leave. Although I don’t personally agree with the ‘other daddy’ situation I don’t judge his mum in the main she’s accommodating in bring him down to visit (they moved 2 hour drive away). It looks like baby steps is needed here I think as you have suggested.

It’s bloody tough though!

If he doesn't have his own room where is he sleeping? In a shared room with your dd? Or camping out on a sofa?
Does he have his own bed and area around the bed which are his and always there and where he can put his stuff and feel secure? Or is just bringing stuff from mums and camping out?

They have bunk beds, he has toys and stuff here too, we knew this place would only be feasible in the short term as they would need their own room around 7

Taking him to a child psychologist suggests that there is something wrong with him because he does not want to come and visit anymore, whereas he is expressing a preference which is not being listened to.

I agree with the advice to go back to basics. Smaller amounts of time and dad going to him or taking him out, talk about what he would like to do and how that can be accommodated. Your family situation has changed and he may well feel that his dad has a separate family now with the new baby. Forcing him to stay will just make him more unhappy, but still being there for him, gradually building up time and talking to him about what he wants will make him feel listened to. If he is anxious, he may well feel three days is too much and overwhelming (my DD is anxious, she is older now but went/goes to her dad max of one night at a time, or during the day, he has been very accepting of her making her own choices about contact and they have a great relationship; she is at uni now and she always plans in seeing him as well when she is home).

I disagree that taking him to a child psychologist implies there is something wrong with him. It means something is really bothering him from engaging and he's been through a lot of upheaval. A child psychologist might be helpful in pointing the parents toward strategies and winkling out what's causing him distress.

If I've read this right both his birth mother has a new child and his father has a new child. He's also been moved 2 hours away from his father. The mother has encouraged him to call his stepfather "daddy". There's an awful lot there for a psychologist to unpick and none of it means anything is wrong with the boy.

What I wouldn't do is force him to come. Forcing a distressed child won't bring about resolution. It does seem to be a nightmare scenario with the boy now living 2 hours away. 4 hours is a lot of driving to hill just go to the park for a few hours. None of this has set the child up for success.

I'd get him his own space ASAP. Does he get on well with your eldest daughter? It might be hard for him to see another kid his age who gets to live with his dad.

I'd definitely make the visits shorter and maybe dad goes to see him too?

And can he facetime mum when he's with you?

I am not saying that a child psychologist would not be helpful, but it is not clear to me from the posts that dad has taken any steps to talk to his son outside the situation or make contact manageable; just three day stints and trying for an hour to persuade his son to come in. So a psychologist would not be my starting point. It is a bit of a leap to go from son doesn’t want to come for three days to he needs to see a psychologist.

And I did not mean something wrong with him, that was badly phrased, I realise, I meant something wrong with him because of his decision. His decision may be perfectly rational given the upheaval you mention and maybe his dad needs to talk to himself and take contact at his son’s pace. Why bring a psychologist into it if that basic step has not been tried?

@KatySun

I am not saying that a child psychologist would not be helpful, but it is not clear to me from the posts that dad has taken any steps to talk to his son outside the situation or make contact manageable; just three day stints and trying for an hour to persuade his son to come in. So a psychologist would not be my starting point. It is a bit of a leap to go from son doesn’t want to come for three days to he needs to see a psychologist.

And I did not mean something wrong with him, that was badly phrased, I realise, I meant something wrong with him because of his decision. His decision may be perfectly rational given the upheaval you mention and maybe his dad needs to talk to himself and take contact at his son’s pace. Why bring a psychologist into it if that basic step has not been tried?

This seems a bizarre attitude to me. There's no harm bringing in a psychologist / family therapist, so why wouldn't they try it now. Could make all the difference in understanding what's caused this abrupt change.

It sounds like there's been a lot of upheaval, and actually he's been put in a confusing tricky situation. - asked to call mum's partner 'daddy' at a young age, moved two hours away from real sad (making short contact unrealistic and difficult), new babies cementing new set ups that he may well feel 'other' from. Deeply confusing time for the boy I imagine.

Family therapy will help him talk about those complex feelings and help his parents find strategies to manage them.

It doesn't have to be left as a last resort as you seem to be suggesting. In fact, early action ideal.

At age 7, it is also possible that he finds the 2 hr drive each way tiring and is off put by having to begin the journey after a long school day. Maybe it might be worth considering an early Saturday morning pick-up.
As an adult, I try not to schedule any long drives after work even when it involves doing something that I actually enjoy.

I'd be throwing fireworks when my SC aren't interested in hanging out here anymore...