I find my step son so unlikeable

[PsPosh]

I really don't like one of my step children.

DSC is 9 and just (to me) so unlikeable, is selfish, more so than any of their siblings are or were at that age, immature (for their age) and just generally difficult to be around.

I have withdrawn so much more recently as I just can't bear to be as involved as I was previously. I used to help a lot with childcare, running to and from school etc and I just don't offer anymore because I just don't want to spend all day / extended time with them on my own.

I have a really good relationship with my other DSC who I like a lot, because they are just complete opposites.

Keeping in mind that your stepchild may be no fonder of you than you are of him, and like you ,he may feel that his thoughts and feelings about you are justified.

However, the balance of power is in your corner. Adults have the option of disengaging. Children are not given that option. If he wishes to spend time with his father, if likely has to happen in your shared home regardless of how he may feel about you. You as the adult can go out with friends or find other places to be when you wish to get away from him, as a child, he can only go where his father takes him.

It probably doesn't help much to think that he may be just as unhappy as you are but with far fewer options.

DSC is 9 and just (to me) so unlikeable, is selfish, more so than any of their siblings are or were at that age, immature (for their age) and just generally difficult to be around.

There were probably children in your class at school that you really disliked. Did you feel bad about that? It's just the way it is, you can't win them all. Be as kind as you can, and if you can't, walk away. Maybe this child reminds you of someone who made your life a misery at some point?

@Tattler2 that’s a very thoughtful assessment of the general blended family situation/power balance.

You’re the adult. Your stepson is only 9 and has no choice over whether you’re in his life. If you actively dislike him then break up with his dad.

You don’t have to love your stepchildren but no child should grow up with a stepparent who feels as you do.

If you actively dislike him then break up with his dad.
@Just10moreminutesplease

Really? She's clearly spent many years raising her other DSCs successfully and you expect her to break up with the father because it's a little tricky with this one?

Even flesh and blood parents can make a right pigs ear out of relationships with one or more of their children. Step-parents have to be perfect when parents don't? Family counselling is a thing, you know.

@SpaceshiptoMars

No, I don’t expect anyone to break up over finding something a little ‘tricky’. I do however think that an adult who actually dislikes their stepchild should do the responsible thing and remove themselves from their lives.

He is 9. He gets no say in this. Why should he be forced to have a stepmum who thinks he is unlikable?

I’m struggling to see why the existence of bad biological parents makes this ok?

I’m struggling to see why the existence of bad biological parents makes this ok?

If a mother admitted to disliking one of her children, you'd tell her to abandon them all would you? Not look for solutions?

You cannot believe an SM can do any good with any of her DSC, apparently. Dislikes one, must immediately throw the whole lot out of the house she owns?

It wasn't actually always like this. He has always been the hardest of all the DC but me not actually liking him at all has been a more recent development. He doesn't seem to be getting better with age, in all honesty he just develops more traits that I find unlikeable as time goes on. It is partly on parents, he is hugely babied and allowed to misbehave sometimes, he gets away with a lot.

We have a joint DC so not as simple as just packing up and leaving.

@PsPosh

It wasn't actually always like this. He has always been the hardest of all the DC but me not actually liking him at all has been a more recent development. He doesn't seem to be getting better with age, in all honesty he just develops more traits that I find unlikeable as time goes on. It is partly on parents, he is hugely babied and allowed to misbehave sometimes, he gets away with a lot.

We have a joint DC so not as simple as just packing up and leaving.

I used to have this when i was with my ex. His son was a horrible child, I don't say that lightly about a small child either. He was obnoxious, rude, spoilt, no manners etc etc! I can honestly say i have never disliked a child so much before or since him. I just kept it all bottled up at first and tried to smile through it. I only started to admit my feelings when family and friends started to comment on what a horrible child this boy was. His mother was also very high conflict as well so that didn't help. In the end I stopped trying to have a relationship with him and just made my self scarce when he was with his father, this was made far easier by high conflict mum point blank refusing to allow the dc to stay at xmas or go away on holiday with us she would rather deprive her dc of a holiday than let his father take him. Give yourself a break op you can't help the way you feel, maybe a little bit of distance for a while might help.

It is a rare nuclear family that gets all the children to adulthood with every one of them delighting in each others company. Frosty receptions, estrangements etc are all too common as well evidenced on MN.

Throw in a marital breakup, a few partners either way down the line, some disney dad and mumming - and the children are not necessarily going to be always on their best behaviour, to put it mildly. To then put all this on the SM who sticks around is thoroughly disingenuous. She is reaping all the horrors that others have sown.

Removing her from the equation is not going to undo all the upset and churn that the kids have been through - it may be removing the one stable and sensible party in the whole setup.

@PsPosh
You and your stepson have more in common than you realize. Probably both of you are unhappy with the present arrangement. You are feeling somewhat trapped because you have a joint child with your partner. Your stepson is trapped in this arrangement because he is a child and he has no voice or say in this dynamic. He has to go where his father takes him
Was he his father's youngest child prior to your having the our baby? Maybe he feels displaced and is trying to figure out his status in this newly configured family.

Adjustments don't always come easy , and rarely do they come on a prescribed time line.

@PsPosh someone gave me some really decent advice on here which was along the lines of when your surrounded by the bad, try and find the good and cling on to it for dear life. It maybe just one quality he has and praise the hell out of it when you see it and ignore the behaviour that you find difficult and give yourself permission to disengage and let the parent step in.

When I say behaviour that's difficult our level was having to rehome the dog due to some of my DSD quirks due to the dogs safety. It was so hard to find something but funnily enough when I wasn't having to do the parental role I found it easier to cope and now the situation is very different. We still have moments one last night was a fairly horrific conversation about death that left me deeply uneasy.

However it's not my responsibility to fill the gaps for parents who won't step up or address issues they created. I know you have a extra level of guilt as you did it for the other step children but like people not everyone gets on and you are allowed to step back. It may also help you cope and make you a better step parent.

Nachoing is your friend here. How the SK turn out if not a reflection on your parenting it's a reflection on the actual parents.

Also the poster who said just leave 🙄 there have been plenty of parents that have struggled with their own children and the first option isn't to disappear. That approach is only left with SM because the underlying tone is on some level you caused these issues with DSC - maddening thing is these issues would likely remain with or without you. You cannot apologise forever for being part of a blended family.

@PsPosh

The birth of the 'our child' seems to be a common flash point in blended families. The ex has a full on panic that her children will be sidelined, and the new mum's hormones throw her into 'protect, protect' mode.

Two of my nephews were ghastly at 9, and are now very pleasant adults. So, don't write the child off just yet. His nose is massively out of joint, because he no longer has baby privilege. He will get used to it, but needs to find and be taught some positives for it.

You might find a use for self-soothing activities (for him, maybe for yourself!). Here is one idea:
www.amazon.co.uk/Therapeutic-Grounding-Regulating-Treasures-Collection/dp/1785925296?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

And this:

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/emergency.htm

I totally get it OP, I've struggled with this for years. I would echo what another poster said about how there were probably kids at school you just didn't like and it's natural, but also add that some of those same kids I couldn't stand at 10 were lovely and totally different at 14.

Hang in there, I think it's an awful age for a lot of kids, especially ones that were testing to begin with.

I think many of us have felt or feel this way, you definitely are not alone. You can't like every person you come across in life and sometimes that's just how it is, even with step children. Pulling back sounds like a good plan. Have you talked to your DH about your feelings or keeping them to yourself?

I found 9/10 a tricky age with both my DSC. I think it's partly an age thing