Me again, another moan

[TwoDots]

I just need to let off some steam as my DP is feeling really broken and doesn’t need me ranting in his ear.

I’ve posted about the wishy washy ex many times and I have another thread about her wanting to move SD away. Despite DP and ex going through mediation, it doesn’t seem to change a damn thing and today she’s stooped nice and low yet again.

DP receives an email telling him (not asking him) what Christmas is going to look like this year. Since 2017 their agreement has been she has every Christmas Eve. Ex wants this as she’s from Europe and that is her Christmas Day. They alternate our Christmas Day (25th Dec) and we have every Boxing Day as it’s not a day ex celebrates and she wasn’t willing to alternate Christmas eves and boxing days. Fine, we worked around that.

Today she tells DP that she’s having all 3 days because her bf family all celebrate together on Boxing Day and SD is super excited. We’d already made Boxing Day plans like every year with DP mum and nieces and nephews etc. now this bf family is more important than Sd own family?

God it’s driving me wild. Such unnecessary arguments.

She’s completely manipulated the situation because it was DP turn to have Christmas Day last year and now she’s saying as he had both days last year, she should this year. But he’s only ever followed their agreement because it was her preference to always have the 24th

God give me strength

Just like to add, we’d never mind changing routine, it’s the short notice and the way she goes about it which is just off

Ok so this is annoying. There will be better people who have more of a view on courts, mediation and what option there are out there was this is not my strong suit.

However she can dictate all she likes but as far as I'm aware of it's in the contact plan that can be enforced.

DH needs to put his foot down but a bit a leeway is good in blended families so it should easy come to a solution which bother parties are slightly unhappy with.

But ignoring that how are you feeling ? Can you do any self care for you. You can't control what the ex does but you can make sure it doesn't consume you. Let's DH battled it out with the ex and take care of yourself because otherwise you will go mad xxxx

I would get him to email back something like this

Dear Ex,

Thankyou for the email about xmas.

I think you may have misinterpreted out prior agreement?

Christmas Eve is with you and Boxing Day with me. Christmas days are alternative.
This is because you celebrate Christmas Eve as Christa as day and to allow you to continue this.

Christmas 2020 DD was with me for Christmas Day and Boxing Day as per the agreement.

So Christmas 2021 should be Christmas Eve and day with you and Boxing Day with me.

Although I already have plans for Boxing Day arranged to facilitate your Boxing Day plans I'd be willing to switch and have dd Christmas Eve instead.

Please let me know which day she will be coming to mine as per our agreement.

This doesn't start an argument but just rather confirms their agreement in writing, acknowledges why the agreement was made this way and offers an alternative solution without saying no to her arrangement.

It really pisses me off when parents use their children like this. She isn't being fair to dd by prioritising her bf who may not be around forever over her own father

I've sent you a PM but the advice itsgettingwierd has given you about the email should be followed.

If your DP's ex refuses to concede then she is storing up problems for herself when your DP does get a Court Order.

Generally if your DP and his ex get a Court Order due to his ex trying to unilaterally change Christmas arrangements they won't be allowed as much flexibility as they now have over them. This is because it is easier to do the rulings in a way that stops parents going for enforcement proceedings over Christmas arrangements.

Thank you

Honestly, if she’d approached this with saying her family set up is a bit different now and can their agreement be tweaked, it would be less of an issue. It’s using last year against him and dictating that’s really pissing us off

@candlelightsatdawn thank you so much for asking how I am. I’m supposed to be burying my grandad tomorrow and focusing on my family, and it’s so hard to detach from what DP is going through plus having to rearrange everything we’d planned for Christmas. It’s been almost 6 years of hell from this woman and I often wonder how I’m still standing xxx

How old is dsd? Guess eventually she gets to choose herself..

Op it's been a hellish year for all and I'm so sorry for your grandad 💐 I hope it goes ok.

It's so hard when your at the coal face. But honestly there's a nachoing thread and I really do recommend the approach the more involved you get, the more draining it can be and when your already running at empty taking on more of other peoples monkeys is the breaking point.

Be kind to yourself. Sadly it's one of those things you have influence but no control over (that's really step parenting isn't it)

The advice you have been given below is good ! Advise and support but if you need to step back and say ok now in your domain your totally entitled to do that and should do given everything.

@TwoDots

Thank you

Honestly, if she’d approached this with saying her family set up is a bit different now and can their agreement be tweaked, it would be less of an issue. It’s using last year against him and dictating that’s really pissing us off

Very similar issue here. Resolved with similar email to one mentioned above. Though DH is now doing both journeys in order to make sure he gets the contact time agreed.

I nacho as much as I can but there are some things he needs help with and I’m generally the organiser of the house, so when things go tits up he needs my input a bit. Luckily he us a full on parent so I never have to address parenting issues etc

It is a hard one to balance isn’t it because you want to still be a supportive partner but my god the constant battles are very draining and I so wish his life didn’t have such an impact on our family life

@Pandaly I’m sorry you’ve been through similar. I’m glad the email has helped. My DP has sent a similar one and made another suggestion which completely mirrors last year (what she wants) but it means she will have to give up the week before Christmas and the 24th and also pick sd up in 24h at 7. Suddenly the ex is being a lot nicer haha

So last year over Christmas she had 1 day and you had 2? Then this year she gets 2 and you get 1, but she doesn't suddenly get all 3!

Your DP should say simply he is willing to swap Christmas Day and Boxing Day if she is very keen to have Boxing Day with her boyfriend's family, but obviously he is going to have her on one of those 3 days.

@thing47 that’s exactly it! She’s only mirrored the second half of the Christmas holidays and not the first where she had her for over a week. She’s jiggled it all to be in her favour.

Ste always behaved like this unfortunately . So many unnecessary arguments because she’s incredibly selfish but then makes out it’s in SD best interest 🙄