Advice please

[Bel5000]

Bel5000
I do not have children of my own so I have joined this website to get advice from any parents.
My stepson normally stays with us every weekend and most school holidays.
He’s a lovely lad and very well behaved most of the time so I cannot complain.
However, I would like to know if I’m being harsh in expecting a few things as my partner seems to think I’m putting too much pressure on his son.

1. he is nearly 8 years old, so I believe he should be making his own bed and keeping his room tidy. The amount of times I have came home from work and his bed is still unmade, things are on the floor and glasses with drinks in have been left in his room. I call him up to make his own bed and put his things away as I personally believe it is teaching him to be responsible and that people are not their to pick up after him. (I am very angry at my partner for this and a few sharp words have happened between us the last couple of evenings!)
2. he soils himself a lot! Is this normal for a child his age, as I am finding that he is glued to a game or the tv and then not going until he’s absolutely bursting so constant accidents are happening. I have tried to explain that as soon as he feels the need to go he has to go to the toilet but it upsets him so any advice about this would be much appreciated.
3. what say should I have? I have found with some things my partner is more than happy for me to have input but sometimes he says I am being very harsh, I do not what to upset my stepson but I do believe as much as this is his home, it is my home and he should respect my rules and put his things away after he’s finished with them, not leave his clothes on the floor and as he is here a lot maybe have some chores around the house and earn some pocket money.
4. my stepson has been in my life for 6 years and for atleast 4 of those years I have had a constant battle at dinner time, I am trying to teach him table manners and he very rarely uses a knife and fork and still struggles when he does. What age roughly should children know this. My partner is more than happy for his son to pick up things with his hands and eat them. Certain things yes but when he is picking up a roast dinner with his fingers I do say something. I am not being derogatory but trying to encourage him to use cutlery more. My partner is a bit hit and miss when it comes to that. I have spoken to my partner about all the above and he said I am very harsh with his son and I should let him be a kid. I just wanted opinions from parents so I can find out if I am. I’m not trying to be his mother, but I am trying to guide him in the right direction and teach him to have a bit of respect.

Is your step son neurotypical? Is your husband always there when he is there? Why do you really care what state his room is in- beyond attracting vermin surely it’s your husband’s problem if it’s a state!

@5thnonblonde

Is your step son neurotypical? Is your husband always there when he is there? Why do you really care what state his room is in- beyond attracting vermin surely it’s your husband’s problem if it’s a state!

Hi, thank you for your reply. He has not been diagnosed but are these signs, like I said no kids of my own and not much experience with kids so would be good to know. I care about his room being tidy as my partner is here at the weekend and school holidays and then works away so I know it will get left to me and I also believe it's not good for his son to be constantly picked up after. Yes my partner should deal with this more but he's very soft and it is something we are constantly battling over so i want as much advice as possible so I can say this is what other parents do.

The tidy room thing is in the range of normal. Lots of kids have to be repeatedly told that people aren't their servants until they leave home.

You just need to work out what really upsets you. With my extended family the rule is no food in the bedroom and no glasses/cups left in the bedroom overnight. To avoid attracting vermin or pets licking them. Once you get to secondary age the door is shut on your room and you can live in your pigsty as long as you don't break the food, glass and cup rules.

The soiling himself thing in the daytime is not typical. If he is also soiling himself at night then your DP needs to take the boy to the GP asap.

If he's only soiling himself in the day your DP needs to remind his son every hour to go to toilet. The TV or game needs to be stopped by the adult at toilet time and until the boy takes himself to the toilet then goes isn't started again. This can include if you are desperate turning the electricity off. If the boy is still soiling himself after he's been reminding straight for 2 full-days while he's awake then an appointment needs to be made with the GP.

It isn't your job as you aren't the boy's parent and don't have parental responsibility. It isn't the mother's job as it is happening in your DP's home and your DP also needs to parent his child.

With the food your DP is the problem. Your DP needs to explain to his son why eating with his hands is no longer acceptable as I presume your DP wants his son to have a good job when he's older? Some of my interviews/networking meetings have taken place over meals or around food. Also if the boy eats badly he risks being bullied at school.

OP, it sounds as though you and your partner cannot agree on expectations for this child. Try and imagine his 8 year old level of confusion with 2 different messages coming from the adults in 1 house and probably a third different message coming from the sdult in his other household.

I too have taught my children to make up their own beds in the morning not because I think it is a critical task , but I do recognize that it is a task about which for reasons unknown to me that I am obsessive. However, I joined my kids in doing this task until they felt comfortable doing it on their own.

If your partner would prefer to clean up after his son, that should also be an acceptable solution. It is not your job to insist on life skill mastery, that is a job for the parents. However, you can insist on a clean home, but if the dad prefers to do it, you should not object. Your goal is to have a clean household. His goal should be to parent his child in the manner that he thinks best.

OP I should also add your partner (DP) isn't soft he's lazy.

He doesn't want to set boundaries for his son and parent him as it is easier not to do so. He sounds like what we call on here a Disney Dad.

Long term children don't respect the adults around them who don't set them boundaries, tell them to and how behave in most social situations plus how to groom themselves.

Be aware if your partner isn't parenting his child, you are setting all the rules and trying to bring the boy up properly, and if the boy when he is an older teen/early 20s has any mental health difficulties/issues then the boy will blame you for them.

Thanks all for your replies.

I will try to take a back seat, it's very hard though when it's in my home and I am quite OCD so I guess that is also a factor.
I do struggle to leave things when they are messy.
My partner is lazy and will admit this, we have had many an argument over this. He does try but putting the Hoover round, doing washing but it's not really tidy.

I am also quite controlling and if I see something I find it hard to not say anything so I will focus on that aswell.

I don't want to be his mother as he has one and I would never knowingly step on someone's toes.

The chores/tidying room thing is down to individual parents I'd say. My DP still doesn't expect any chores of his 13 year old. I disagree with this but have decided to just let DP pick up the kids' room while they sit on tiktok if that's what he really wants to do.

The soiling and eating with hands is not age appropriate. I encourage my 2 year old to use cutlery. Agree with PP that if he is taken to toilet regularly but then still soils, there is some psychological or physical issue.

A good benchmark is what's expected at school. Nursery and Key Stage 1 do tidy-up time. Surely your DSS has to eat meals at school? What does he do there - use fingers too, or is this just with dad as he won't correct it? As a first time parent I find that DD will be able to do something at nursery / her peers will do it and that's a good guide.

Your DSS is not far off an age where he'll feel embarrassed in front of peers if he doesn't have age appropriate skills, dad should be giving him that independence.

Tidying rooms is always a battle but bringing down glasses, going to the toilet promptly, making beds and eating with cutlery are all very normal to expect of an 8 year old. If he isn't capable then his parents really should be getting professional help. My dd was terrible for leaving it too late to go to the toilet so needed (actually still needs truth be told) to be reminded to go.

@Tigertealeaves

The chores/tidying room thing is down to individual parents I'd say. My DP still doesn't expect any chores of his 13 year old. I disagree with this but have decided to just let DP pick up the kids' room while they sit on tiktok if that's what he really wants to do.

The soiling and eating with hands is not age appropriate. I encourage my 2 year old to use cutlery. Agree with PP that if he is taken to toilet regularly but then still soils, there is some psychological or physical issue.

A good benchmark is what's expected at school. Nursery and Key Stage 1 do tidy-up time. Surely your DSS has to eat meals at school? What does he do there - use fingers too, or is this just with dad as he won't correct it? As a first time parent I find that DD will be able to do something at nursery / her peers will do it and that's a good guide.

Your DSS is not far off an age where he'll feel embarrassed in front of peers if he doesn't have age appropriate skills, dad should be giving him that independence.

Thank you.

I think it's because I was brought up to look after my room and pick up after myself as it did teach me to respect things and realise people were not there to wait on me but I will try and take a step back from this and just close the door.

I think I find it hard because this is my home and there should be some rules but yes my partner does have to initiate them.

He takes a pack lunch to school so it's always finger food, sandwiches, sausage rolls etc...

OP, is it your home in the sense that you own the house or that your name is the sole name on the lease?

Does your husband not do tribute his equitable share towards household expenses making it an" our home" ?

Your partners son is behaving according to the way he is patented by his dad in your home. You are fighting a losing battle trying to contradict this.

It's fundamental differences between you and your DP that are causing the conflict, not his ds. Your real question is if you can live with his attitude or not?

Do you plan to have children together, because this is the parent he is.

It is our home but I'm not going to live in a shit tip!

My partner did not have a very good upbringing, where as I had a much better one.
He was basically allowed to do what he wanted as a child as both his parents were alcoholics so in some respect I feel like he has had no example.

I feel like the things I have been doing will get me no where and I do not want my step son to grow up resenting me. I will try and speak to my partner again but ultimately from all your comments it's none of my business and I should step back and not involve myself

Having very long experience, my suggestion is to back off a bit on things where you and your partner don't agree on their priority.

Step parenting is like a very complicated dance with lots of possible missteps.

Discus with your partner what is important. Table manners may be one. Bringing empty plates and glasses to the kitchen may be another. Then you can both be involved in encouraging them to do these things.

We used to discuss many things, including how to react to issues from the kids' Mom in a way that did not expose the kids to the conflict or have them feel we were bad mouthing her.

I am sure there are many things you can contribute that are not conflict-inducing. I helped a lot with homework, taught them about nature, ensured they learned about nutrition, and stepped in to help them understand why calling each other "gay" as an insult was not appropriate.

We had a family meal every night when we could, and I am convinced that helped with many things.

Making beds, not so much. Taking dishes from the table to the kitchen, yes.

If you take into account they are kids and have two different standards to learn, it helps.

I hope that doesn't sound preachy. I didn't mean it that way.

My heart about bursts with love and I am more than proud of my stepsons and grandchildren. It was all worth it.

I think, as you’ve said, this is an issue for you and your partner to discuss. If there are any changes to parenting it needs to be lead and managed by your partner. Though there’s nothing wrong with you pointing out where there might be issues.

Apart from the soiling issue, it sounds fairly average to me. Ok we’d prefer kids ate tidily but it’s by no means unusual for some 8 year olds to be messy. I mean it does sound like he’s not given enough boundaries or responsibilities, but his behaviour in that environment sounds normal.

I think you need to be clear to separate what is a parenting issue and what is an issue because of your own needs. Obviously these might overlap, but what I’m saying is don’t focus on something like a messy bedroom as a parenting issue, if the real problem is you struggle to manage any clutter/mess.

What has your partner done about the soiling issue so far?
That clearly needs attention.

It's not that it's none of your business, you share a home. It's just that you are fighting a losing battle. If you are actively pushing things your partner isn't bothered about your step son will start to see you as the enemy.

@LoveFall

Having very long experience, my suggestion is to back off a bit on things where you and your partner don't agree on their priority.

Step parenting is like a very complicated dance with lots of possible missteps.

Discus with your partner what is important. Table manners may be one. Bringing empty plates and glasses to the kitchen may be another. Then you can both be involved in encouraging them to do these things.

We used to discuss many things, including how to react to issues from the kids' Mom in a way that did not expose the kids to the conflict or have them feel we were bad mouthing her.

I am sure there are many things you can contribute that are not conflict-inducing. I helped a lot with homework, taught them about nature, ensured they learned about nutrition, and stepped in to help them understand why calling each other "gay" as an insult was not appropriate.

We had a family meal every night when we could, and I am convinced that helped with many things.

Making beds, not so much. Taking dishes from the table to the kitchen, yes.

If you take into account they are kids and have two different standards to learn, it helps.

I hope that doesn't sound preachy. I didn't mean it that way.

My heart about bursts with love and I am more than proud of my stepsons and grandchildren. It was all worth it.

Thank you for your lovely words and advice.

I will definitely discuss this with my partner and I will now be taking a step back and trying to be more fun than setting rules and guidelines.

I definitely do not saying anything bad about my stepsons mother as we get along really well, however myself and my partner do have conflicts in front of him, only minor ones but I will take into consideration what you said.

Thank you again

Does your partner clean up after him?

If so leave them to it.

If not, why are you expecting higher standards from DSS when he is probably following his fathers lead.

I’m not saying DSS should t be making his bed, tidy, move cups etc but I just wonder if you expect the same from his father.

How about dangling a carrot.

He gets time rewards on his gaming tech for eating with cutlery and tidying his room. I don't mean necessarily achieving a great result but it's about effort and attitude.

You can discuss whether he finds it tricky to use cutlery and kindly say let's practice for the first 10 minutes of dinner etc. Same with tidying and bed making, split the tasks up into smaller chunks and reward each one.

One of my DC has dyspraxia and one ADD both diagnosed over 16 and those are skills that are so hard for them.

Good habits need to be encouraged.

If your DP is lazy and messy then you actually need to have it out with him that you don't want to live on his shit tip and he needs to pull his weight and set a better example to his son and not expect the women in his life to clear up after him.

There is lots going on in the dynamics and personally I'd sort things out with your DP first.

You are more than welcome OP. I know it is hard sometimes.

There was a day many years ago when I was sending them off to school and I asked whether they had brushed their teeth.

The eldest, who was preteen, shouted at me, "no, I haven't, and you can't make me, you're not my mother!"

It took me about two seconds to realize it was best not to respond in kind. I told him, ok, up to you..."

Many years later one of them complimented me by saying I had taught him dental hygiene. Ha ha.

OP, there are difference between knowing your lane, choosing your battle wisely, and not getting involved.

Your home is not damaged if beds are not made (and that is really difficult for me to accept). However difficult it may be you can overlook his poor table manners (as long as they are not contrary to basic hygiene. You do not have to tolerate practices that would cause a pest infestation in your home, but it can become your husband's job to ensure either by his cleaning or involving his kids in that process

It should be his job to remind his son about going to the bathroom on a regular basis. You can assist by posting subtle reminders.

It really does not matter how either of you were reared; that was yesterday. What matters is how he is rearing his kids today.

I understand your frustration but you will get more if you encourage rather than go to battle. Maybe rewards for doing chores or making chores fun ie putting music on and having a dance while tidying, doing the jobs together, The food thing just keep encouraging but I wouldn't make a big deal of it as you don't want it to become a stigma. Toileting at that age is a concern I would seek advice from gp. Also his dads views should be respected could you talk to him and try to understand why he's not as strict as you would like and see if you can find some compromise on your parenting strategies.

Mate step parenting is shit.

Tell dh that you've hired a cleaner and he's paying for it.

Tell dh that there's no food or drinks bar water/squash in bedrooms.

Let the rest go and nacho it. Nacho kid nacho problem.

Drink wine and make sure you go out and see your own friends and family when dss is around. Look after your own needs. Make yourself happy, get a hobby that occupies you at home. Meditation, yoga, exercise, baking, whatever floats your boat.

I can very much empathise with your position, I have an 8 year old stepson and we do get a lot of those behaviours from him, for context he does have ADHD.

You need to practice totally removing yourself from being concerned about issues to do with his upbringing that don't impact you. Continue to crack down on unhygienic behaviour that affects the household (so no dishes left in the bedroom and no free passes to soil himself out of laziness), but don't tidy up after him in other ways, absolve yourself of feeling you are "left" to do things. Just don't do them, they are for his dad to sort. They aren't your responsibility, so for your own sake as much as anybody else's, just don't think about them at all.

I will say though, you sound like a personality that struggles to let go of such things and not be in control, by your own admission, and step parenting is all about letting frustrating things happen around you and not allowing that to trouble you. I don't think it's a situation that will ever really suit you, and I mean that with absolute empathy.

The room thing is always going to be a battle in my experience and you just have to keep reminding them; we don’t allow DSD to have drinks or food in her room for that reason.
I think the accidents is unusual though; I would make him pause a game or the tv every hour or so to get him to consider if he needs the toilet.
I also think the cutlery thing is one of those ongoing battles; do you know what his mum is like with it? If she’s not bothered then I’d suggest it’s going to be an ongoing issue and you just have to accept that you have to remind him.
From when I first moved in with DH I said to him that if he wanted me to be part of looking after DSD rather than just being there then we needed to be on the same page about things so we discuss most things, sometimes we disagree and have to go with either person’s perspective but we try to be on the same page and always have a United front to DSD

I am also quite controlling and if I see something I find it hard to not say anything so I will focus on that aswell.

No you are not.

You have three issues:

1. Your DP and your household cleaning styles aren't compatible
2. You are not use to being around a variety of children some of whom, have disabilities or other special needs.
3. You have a DP who won't parent his child to a standard you like.

The last two have been addressed by myself and other posters.

With the first if it is definitely your house - Tattler2 is from the US so doesn't understand the UK housing market - then you need to decide whether you can live full-time with a partner who can't clean up after himself.

While your partner works away from home now his job will change at some point in the future and you will be stuck cleaning up after him.

I refuse to put up with a DP who won't clean up after himself and other people who can't, so I made sure I am with someone who does.