Blended families with young children..

[lost22]

I'm really at a loss, a complete low - it's a long one sorry.

I have been with my partner for a couple of years now - he has a 5 yo son, I have a 7 yo daughter from previous marriages.

My partner split up with his wife, But she was quite toxic, always using the son and other kids (not his) as weapons, not allowing my partner to see his son for weeks/months at a time, filing false police reports.. even contacting my new employers, calling, writing letters, making up lies about spending time with my partner before we lived together. She moved on before my partner and I met, and is still with the same man, and has now moved 2 hours away with my stepson.

This means we only see my stepson every other weekend. My partner is a really good dad and it kills him. He will drive the 2 hours as often as he can, just to pick his son up from school, take him out for tea and do his homework/reading with him before taking him home and driving the 2 hours back here.

His son is polite and well mannered, and a lovely little boy, but I do think my partner is too soft. His son constantly is so engrossed in watching tv that he will ignore everyone. I find it rude, and I have told my partner he needs to be harder with him. But aside from that and being a bit Whingey, he's a great kid.

My daughter is older, and sassy. She can be rude and answer back and sometimes ignore people. I like to think I deal with it but my partner says I don't. I try to say his son will have his moments when he's older, but he says he won't.

If I punish her I feel guilty. What if she thinks I don't love her? What if she thinks I favour my partner and his son? What if she doesn't think I'm a good mum? I know I sound irrational but I'm so scared she will feel unloved, and it makes me so torn. She's not a bad kid at all and I'm scared my partner will think she is.

Her dad lives abroad so he doesn't have much involvement, but he will be back early next year. My daughter FaceTimes him regularly and he tells her to behave, but she knows he can't do anything through an iPad. He is a good dad though and would help if he were here.

My partner is incredible with my daughter. He has her during school holidays, takes her out, praises her - literally treats her as his own. The only thing I don't like is when he raises his voice or tells her to behave sometimes - he rarely does but when he does I know it's because she needs it. I find it difficult to hear (don't we all?) but I don't say anything as he never does it unless she needs telling, and he is there 24/7 so he should be able to tell her off if she really needs it.

I can't shake these feelings of anger and resentment about my stepson. I don't have the same relationship with him as my partner does with my daughter, and it shows. We argue about it often, and I would absolutely hate it if my stepson knew I felt this way.
It's not intentional but I need to change.

Somebody must have been in a similar situation, I hope somebody can help as I'm not sure how to carry on like this.

How long were you together before moving in and why is he with her 24/7?

I wouldn't have some man, who I only knew for a couple of years shout at my child. Does she know she can tell you if she is unhappy and she is your priority?

OP, by your account, hour step son is a polite and well mannered child but you want your partner to be harder on him. Why? Why should he try to fix something that is not broken? Whatever you think of the ex, it appears that she has reared her son to be polite and well mannered. His dad is apparently satisfied with the outcome of their collective parenting. Perhaps his son watches tv because he would prefer to do that as opposed to interacting with all of you.

If this child is polite, doing well in school, and enjoying his relationship with his father, in your place, I would try to use some of the strategies that are working with your stepson rather than complaining about them.

Maybe parenting in your household should be left totally to the biological parent, in that way you each can work towards your personal parenting goals.

Does your stepson have hearing issues maybe? Or he might just be focused on the TV he doesn't realise you're talking to him?

his son is polite and well mannered

my daughter is older and sassy. She can be rude, answer back and sometimes ignore people

In your view your partner isn’t hard enough on your son. By your own admission you feel guilty if you punish her.

The other parts that stand out in your post are about comments about the ex wife and the fact that it kills your partner (I assume that he sees his son so little and has a 4 hour round trip to do so when he does).

I have been with a man who had children this infrequently and I can also tell you he too had long drives for contact to be facilitated. (Fortunately not 2 hours long each way).

I may be projecting and myself experience may not be your experience but I will share in the hope that someone of this may help. So if I’m off piste with any of my comments, feel free to disregard and ignore.

• have you considered the possibility that there is an element of jealousy / resentment here?

Resentment as a result of the ex wife, as in your view she has clearly created a situation whereby these four hour rounds trips and such litle contact will impact your partner and indeed your life together. Jealously because despite this he is a really good dad who clearly dotes on his son and is will to drive for 4 hours just to spend 2/3 hours with his child. That is something your daughter doesn’t have because of where her dad lives.

Both of these can result in feeling the way you feel about his son. Only you can unpick if that is something that is adding to this situation.

Then we move into behaviours/ discipline.
My exp had identical contact to this. Despite his DC also being very well behaved, their contact weekends were weekends I found very disruptive (personally). My exp was Disney dad personified. Which potentially is workable when no resident children are in the home, but became a huge problem for me as I did have children in the home.

What I will say is this: when you only see your children 4 to 6 days a month, you will parent differently. I know I would in any of these parents shoes. Would I discipline? Be as strict as I am with my children? No. Not a chance. So I also have huge amounts of empathy for parents in these situations.

Children in these EOW contact periods need very different parenting. And in your shoes I really would not be telling him how to parent/ what to do. If anything I would be pulling back and letting the two of them get on with it. This kid is 5 and he barely sees his dad. Then on top of it, when he does see his dad, he sees his dad is living with another girl who gets to see his dad every day. He doesn’t. That will never feel nice to such a young child.

I’m not saying these situations are easy, but they are also really hard on the NR children when this young. I would advise that you spend some time really thinking about whether you can step back and leave his parenting to his son to him.

Then you separately need to visit why you, as a resident parent, cannot discipline your child without feeling guilty. And that you have all these underlying feelings of ‘whAt if she thinks I’m not a good mum?’. That to me sounds like immense amounts of insecurity. I would focus on you as a parent, your relationship with your daughter and how you move from where you are to a place where you are more secure as a parent. When you operate in a secure parent/ child relationship - you can communicate/ parent from a place of strength. I can tear a strip off my lot when they need it and not once have I felt guilty. Or worried about how they will view me as a mother. They know I love them and that they are my absolute world and vice versa. They also know that when I discipline, it comes from a good place. I am trying to raise polite, respectful and thoughtful young people. I could not do that if I was carrying the feelings you are.

Listen, I’ve been where you are. I get it. There is no golden bullet that can make this better. My advice is step back and detach from him/ his parenting of his son and figure out your parenting of your daughter and address these huge issues of insecurity.

There's an awful lot going on here, and your emotions seem very back and forth and conflicted.

You don't like him shouting at your daughter, yet st the same time you feel like he only does so when it's needed. You seem generally defensive of your daughter, yet another part of you seems to recognise those measures as necessary and appropriate.

Those defensive feelings seem to be at the core of your issues to me. Both of you seem to view your children very competitively, ie "my child is perfect, yours is worse", "No, MY child is perfect, yours is worse". It sounds like feeling like your DP is judging your daughter harshly, is making you compare and judge his son harshly. Both of you are having knee jerk, defensive responses.

None of us here can answer which child, if either, is actually poorly behaved or being parented poorly, without more detail. How much screen time is your DSS actually getting and what kind of thing is he ignoring, for example, and how "rude and sassy" is your daughter?

It's impossible to judge on the information provided, but also not the point. If you want to live together and flourish as a blended family, the best way is to not automatically react defensively to perceived criticism of your child and not view things as my child vs yours. You need to be able to view discussion of bad behaviour as a positive thing designed to help the child, and not think "hang on why are you insulting my child, YOURS does this..." You both need to stop relating bad behaviour to that of the other child, and stop thinking yours is an angel by comparison (though it sounds like he's worse for that).

This is what I would work towards if I were you and it sounds like you both need to do so.

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs there, they were there when I typed it.

I should also say, you could also just be discovering that getting a front row seat to someone's parenting but having no input is a really frustrating experience. This is normal, and something you just have to learn to detach from over time.

Blending is very hard OP. I have two older dc and dh has an 8 Yr old who is here 50/50.

I nacho a lot of dh parenting. On the weekend we have him I go out with my friends Saturday nights because I hate feeling like an outsider in my own home. Me and dh also try to hug when we have a problem with something the other is doing or allowing their dc to do and then when we talk we try our best to take the personal out the problem. For example i recently said to dh - I'm a bit stressed as I'm going to find it really hard to wfh now dss is coming over last minute, dh said defensively - your kids are here tho - I say yes it's more about the amount of people inc you being at home and I am feeling a bit stressed that dss won't have an enjoyable day as it's not fair on him to have to keep quiet and I tried to book a desk but it was too last minute - dh OK I'll take all the dc out for the day and give you some peace. It hasn't solved the problem of last minute changes but it put the onus back on dh to solve instead of me being the only one impacted.

Also, your dd won't hate you for having boundaries but I also think you can be a firm parent without shouting. I would discuss with your dp that you are feeling upset about your dds behaviour but you also don't like her being shouted at and ask for his input on behaviour expectations and consequences for her. Boundaries make children feel safe. Perhaps if you discuss together behaviour expectations for both dc you can reach a compromise and find a way to work together on it.