Deflated Sunday

[dorris88]

Sunday afternoon not sure if it's cos I've got tonsillitis (probably) but feeling fed up of the step mum battles this weekend has entailed.

DH and DSD mum were together as kids and had her quite young and split when she was a newborn. DSD has no memory of them together. However all weekend has made weird references to things they done as a family. She said 'mum told me you and her had a special song' and said it was a song that came out this year. It's all clearly lies and we've no idea where it's come from.

Suspicious mum has split with her long term partner so could he having some emotional stress causing it which we've been mindful of but this is what this place is for aye? 😅 it's been a tough one.

For reference me and DSD get on super well. Been in her life since she was 3, she's now nearly 10.

Isn't it possible that people who dated as teenagers could have had a special song? That is something that teenagers often do.

Are you or your relationship in any way harmed because a child has a fantasy vision of her parent's relationship. Most children would like to think that they were conceived in a loving relationship.

If you have a good relationship with the daughter, it would not appear that her biological family fantasy is in any way causing friction in your household. It is quite likely that as a teenager, your husband said and did many loving or love like think with this child's mothet.

I would not give this behavior any thought unless it begins to cause disruption in your household. I would bet that many of your friends had " an our song" with their teenage boyfriends.

I wouldn't give a damn if they did, I have loads of songs I associate with my exes but the song came out this year and my concern was to why my DSD decided to randomly announce something to us all that was quite obviously untrue. My DH hasn't even heard the song.

He said 'oh I can't remember it darling' because we are aware that there's is a reason behind her randomly talking about this stuff but that's the only concern 🙂

Isn't it possible that people who dated as teenagers could have had a special song? That is something that teenagers often do. unlikely it was a song from 2021 though.

Is it possible she was talking about her long term partner now ex and DSC got wrong end of the stick?

Is it not possible that this is a new version that of a song that came out by a different artist in an earlier version. In any case , what are you envisioning as the possible down side to this child's loving version of her parent's former relationship. It is quite likely that as a teenager your husband expresed loving feelings to his teenage girlfriend.

You are likely giving this statement a life and legs that on its own it will never have. Many teenage boyfriends make great professions of love and commitment usually out of immaturity and sometimes out of a desire to advance the physical aspects of the relationship.

I can't imagine caring if my stepdaughter were to mention anything that happened between her parents when I was not a part of that relationship. Ideally, I would hope that she had many ,many positive thoughts about their relationship.

When my DH’s ex has a relationship breakdown, which has happened frequently over the course of our relationship, she tries to insert herself firmly up DH’s arse. When she’s in a relationship she just insults his dedication to their shared child. I think she’s one of those people that needs to have some attention and someone to talk to, it sounds like this reminiscing is serving a similar purpose.

@Tattler2 You seem to really enjoy waxing lyrical about how much people's partners must have once loved their ex.

OP would know if it was a cover, you are massively reaching to try and make it true to fit that narrative.

OP I think it being about her recent partner is a possibility, either that or she's clearly spiralling. I do get how frustrating it is, tbh my partner would have been honest in this scenario, but otherwise all you can do is roll your eyes together at the end of the night when she's not around.

@aSofaNearYou
I do think that is very important that children know that they were conceived in love particularly when there parents are no longer together. Some partners may find it necessary or desirable to deny that fact, but in reality most of these children are the results of intentioned and pleasurable acts between their parents even when the relationships did not proceed along those lines.

Children make up fantasies up what happened but just as often the new partners make up fantasies about how things did and did not happen.

What adult gains any benefit from destroying a harmless notion of momentary happiness between the 2 people who created a child. It is not about sex; it is about accepting the fact that your partner experienced happy moments in the relationship that created his child.

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
I do think that is very important that children know that they were conceived in love particularly when there parents are no longer together. Some partners may find it necessary or desirable to deny that fact, but in reality most of these children are the results of intentioned and pleasurable acts between their parents even when the relationships did not proceed along those lines.

Children make up fantasies up what happened but just as often the new partners make up fantasies about how things did and did not happen.

What adult gains any benefit from destroying a harmless notion of momentary happiness between the 2 people who created a child. It is not about sex; it is about accepting the fact that your partner experienced happy moments in the relationship that created his child.[/quote]
I think we all accept that (well for those of us who's partners were actually in a relationship) but what we don't need to accept is exs or children making something current that is well and truly in the past. It is utterly confusing for the child thinking that because mum and dad once loved eachother that it might happen again, when clearly it won't.

@Tattler2 That's all well and good but doesn't make it likely that OP has somehow missed that that song is in fact a cover of "their song". It is far more likely that that is just untrue.

As to what harm/good is done by the children holding onto the idea that they were born out of love, I don't think you are entirely wrong but I think it can often be less simple than that. For some, this is a positive thing, for others it is wrapped up in bitterness, and untruths told by one or both parents. It can lead them to resent the parent who "left" more, or hold onto hope that they will get back together. I have certainly witnessed elements of this with my DP and DSS, his mum didn't handle the split in a very healthy way and this has resulted in DSS inheriting quite the chip on his shoulder in certain areas, so my DP does not relish the revisionist stories of how happy they were before the split, or think those stories are doing DSS any good. It is untrue and doesn't allow for him to teach his son to understand that adults can leave relationships that aren't good for them and make them unhappy. It creates an ongoing sense of "why did you leave, you loved your life so much, why don't you just come back".

That's just one example, but overall I think it's very much a case by case thing whether these sorts of stories are a good or bad thing for the kids, and very much depends on the wider picture of how the split has been handled by their parents and by themselves. The people involved will know better the kind of effect it seems to have on the kid in question.

For reference DSD knows mum and dad split because they didn't love each other anymore, otherwise like @aSofaNearYou says, it causes confusion as to why they ever split in the first place!

I get on well with DSD mum and I can guarantee she wouldn't have been reminiscing on old times with my DH cos she couldn't stand him 😂. They grew into very different adults.

Making reference to me having an issue about their past relationship is bizarre. I know exactly how their relationship went and was one of the conditions I set myself before getting with a man with a child, to ensure that his past was DEAD.

Anyway, my only concern was that this comment came from DSD is because like we suspect, her mums split. It is fabricated and she has been through spells of telling stories before and they cause so much tension but always relate to something underlying.

Not every stepmother is paranoid about their husbands ex

Distraction? Halloween and Xmas coming up. Get her busy!!