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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sensible definitions of 'stepmother'

29 replies

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/10/2021 12:12

Wanting to detach this from the other thread!

So - legally, emotionally, practically, financially.

I'm a childless SM, married to widowed DH with adult children. The younger ones I helped take from dependency (special needs) to almost fully fledged - bar the occasional wobble. The older ones were long gone before my time, and live totally independently and at significant distance.

If I make a will, anything I leave to any of these DSC is free of IHT (within total allowance). Anything I leave to any living blood relatives is not. So that is a very bloodless, shall we say, definition.

None of the DSC would actually refer to me as SM - simply by name alone, or possibly HER

So when (or even if) did I become a stepmother? When their Dad put his family ring on my finger? When they moved in and lived on my cooking etc? When I took active steps to get them into careers? When I became Dad's wife?

And, million dollar question, where does that leave me with the older ones? (The question I wish I'd thought a bit more about from the start...)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WaterBottle123 · 16/10/2021 12:15

I'd ask a different question.

Why on Earth does the title matter?

Also you're incorrect re IHT. The only allowance is between spouses.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 12:18

If you give away your home to your children (including adopted, foster or stepchildren) or grandchildren your threshold can increase to £500,000. says this on government website.

Anyway I'll go with when you're married to their dad you are a stepmother but that doesn't mean you have to do any mothering.

RussianSpy101 · 16/10/2021 12:20

Stepmother when you marry the father.

Magda72 · 16/10/2021 14:23

I think you become a stepmother when the dc & you feel like one.
Even legally you have no obligation to your dh's children. I feel you have no obligations at all to stepchildren unless you (& they) so want it.

KylieKoKo · 16/10/2021 17:32

Why on Earth does the title matter?

I would like to ask this question who come on the step parenting board to contribute "you are not their step mother you are their dads girlfriend" and nothing else.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 16/10/2021 17:36

I started referring to my Step Mum as my Step Mum when her and my dad were living together. She didn't need a wedding ring to have that role in my life. Likewise my Step dad.

My DC try not to refer to their Step Mum as such unless they have to. They refer to her as Dads wife. Because she's never made them feel welcome and makes it clear they aren't part of the family.

I see being a Step parent as a feeling more than a legal thing iyswim.

VanGoghsDog · 16/10/2021 17:45

@WaterBottle123

I'd ask a different question.

Why on Earth does the title matter?

Also you're incorrect re IHT. The only allowance is between spouses.

This.

OP, you sound resentful. Why marry someone with kids if you're going to be so mean about it?

MissChievous12 · 16/10/2021 18:04

I think OP is possibly feeling under appreciated given what she's done with/for her husband's children.
I don't think she sounds resentful, but adult offspring can be thoughtless at times and I know from experience that it's harder to address with young adults that are not your own.
I've not read the other thread though, so perhaps there is a back story.
In answer to your question, I think it's when everybody feels comfortable with that title.

KylieKoKo · 16/10/2021 18:12

OP, you sound resentful. Why marry someone with kids if you're going to be so mean about it

Are we having a game of step mum bingo?

RedMarauder · 16/10/2021 19:01

Leave things in your will to any of your DP's/DH's children you get on with and treat you with dignity.

VanGoghsDog · 16/10/2021 19:05

@KylieKoKo

OP, you sound resentful. Why marry someone with kids if you're going to be so mean about it

Are we having a game of step mum bingo?

If you like. Idiotic thing to suggest though.

I've been a step mother (probably not by MN definition of course) and don't have my own kids, so I do have a bit of knowledge.

It is a fact that some people do sound resentful of their partner's kids. This is one case.

What exactly is the point of the OP anyway?

Original poster

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/10/2021 19:05

OP, you sound resentful. Why marry someone with kids if you're going to be so mean about it?

Good grief. Someone has got sooooo bored they've created a bingo bot. Quite clever though, sneaking it past the Mumsnet sign in process

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 16/10/2021 19:06

@SpaceshiptoMars

OP, you sound resentful. Why marry someone with kids if you're going to be so mean about it?

Good grief. Someone has got sooooo bored they've created a bingo bot. Quite clever though, sneaking it past the Mumsnet sign in process

Don't be ridiculous.

You obviously have little self awareness.

Can you explain what the point of your post is?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2021 19:10

I’m pretty sure my DSC referred to me as their step mum before we got married. They call me by my name but as far as I know they used “dad’s girlfriend” or just my name when talking about me before we moved in together and at some point after that they switched to step mum but off their own backs and with no guidance from us.

There are step parents, grandparents and grandchildren in mine and their extended family so they’re familiar with the concept independent of me.

I think for me it’s to do with a serious relationship between their parent and a partner/spouse.

For us it was living together as not much changed on marriage. Being there for breakfasts, bedtimes, homework day to day stuff in their lives.

Mine were little when we got together, completely different to yours.

I called my own my step mum for years before they married as they didn’t do that for 10 years.

EmotionalSupportBear · 16/10/2021 19:26

you're a step mother legally the moment you marry their dad.

the morality of the relationship i guess depends on the relationship you have with them individually.

I'm curious why you're asking though! (also a stepmum, about to be ex-stepmum as mid-divorce)

KylieKoKo · 16/10/2021 19:26

*You obviously have little self awareness.

Can you explain what the point of your post is?*

Oh the irony!

FelicityPike · 16/10/2021 19:30

You become stepmother when you marry a person who has children already.

Original poster

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/10/2021 20:10

I'm curious why you're asking though! (also a stepmum, about to be ex-stepmum as mid-divorce)

Commiserations.

I'm just taking soundings, really. Trying to get my head around it. So many people leap in here with 'You're not their stepmum, blah blah'.

So, am I a stepmum if they were already adult when we all moved in together? Am I a stepmum of the older children who never lived with us? What are my obligations to them and theirs to me etc?

So, I've got the younger ones who I feel like more than a stepmum to, and the older ones to whom I'm absolutely nobody! It makes for a weird dynamic, apart from anything else.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 16/10/2021 20:27

OP you are their stepmum when they recognise you as one and they respect you.

With the older ones who don't you are "just" their dad's girlfriend, dad's partner or dad's wife.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 16/10/2021 20:37

My mum remarried, I lived with them, he is my stepdad. He is a father figure to me.

My dad also remarried, had more children, saw me twice a year, treated his two groups of children differently. She was never my stepmum.

MrsColon · 16/10/2021 20:41

@KylieKoKo

Why on Earth does the title matter?

I would like to ask this question who come on the step parenting board to contribute "you are not their step mother you are their dads girlfriend" and nothing else.

This.

HollowTalk · 16/10/2021 20:46

To be honest, in your situation I would leave my money to those I like the best! If that's the younger children then so be it. Adults who call you her instead of by name don't deserve anything from you.

lunar1 · 16/10/2021 21:19

We all know there are legal ramifications of being married to someone.

I don't think there are any legal roles or responsibilities specifically for a married step parent. You don't gain automatic parental responsibility and there is no expectations in law for you to provide for a step child or continue any kind of relationship if the marriage ends.

There are far more legal obligations and changes in terms of other peoples children just by cohabitation with a parent.

It can alter Maintanance, benefit entitlement and university costs. None of that changes with marriage alone.

People obsessing over the legal definition seem to like to use it (on MN at least) as a stick to berate women coming here for advice when they have huge roles in children's lives.

Ranging from 'just dad's girlfriend' to 'some random off the street.'

Yet unmarried step parents can play pivotal roles within a family. Some people just like to make others feel like shit.

SandyY2K · 17/10/2021 00:04

You're a stepmother when you marry a man with kids. That's the definition of your relationship with them. It doesn't mean you have to do anything mum like for them.

FIL remarried when I was already married to DH and we had kids. She's his SM because she's married to his dad.

FrDamo · 17/10/2021 01:02

I recently heard one of my stepchildren refer to me as their dad's partner. This was broadcast on a podcast and so there was an opportunity to edit it accordingly.

I will admit it stung a little. I felt diminished by it. Perhaps I read too much into it?

The reality of the matter is we have been together 25+years, have two adult children together and had all 3 step children live with us permanently from their preteens/early teens. I was not "the other woman" - there wasn't one, they were just mismatched and split before my time. Their mother was out of the picture then unexpectedly died over 10 years ago.

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