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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can I be a stepparent like this? Can I be in this relationship?

28 replies

Jeri2021 · 07/10/2021 10:55

Hello - I need some support please from Mums/Dads/Stepparents/Grandparents/anyone!

My partner has a son living in South America. Last night he showed me a video of his son that his Dad sent him - his son was saying Father doesn't exist anymore whilst his Grandfather was explaining, no your Father lives in England and is working.

I am English my partner is South American. He has a son who lives with his parents (his sons grandparents) most of the time and the rest of the time with his Mum - who I am told is trouble. They were never in a relationship and child was not planned.

My partners parents sent him to England to make money with the intention of making money to return home.

During his time here he met me, we became a couple, we went to South America in 2020 and I met his family. My partner asked me to marry him. I said yes. But when we returned to the UK I am wondering if I am doing the right thing? I am wondering if my partner is doing the right thing? Watching the video of his son last night made me so sad.

I need support from people who won't judge me, who might be in a similar situation or be able to offer actual guidance not opinions like my own friends and family here.

I would hate to be the reason a son doesn't have his Father present..

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 07/10/2021 11:13

Did you know he planned to return to South America before agreeing to marry him? Or is this his parents' expectation, but not his plan?

Is he hoping to bring his son to the UK? Does he have the residency qualifications to do that? Would you help him raise his son if needed? Are you prepared to send your money back to his parents? Do you want children together of your own?

Lots of questions, OP. Not easy.

Tattler2 · 07/10/2021 11:24

OP, you will never be the reason that the son does not have his father. The only reason that the son will not have his father is if the father decides to take actions that make him unavailable to his son. Every thing will be predicated on your partner's actions rather than your decisions.

Your marrying him does not prevent him from returning to his home country nor does it prevent him for seeking to bring the child to your country. Your decision is whether you would agree to follow him should his choice be to return to live in his country.

NoYOUbekind · 07/10/2021 11:32

My father was completely absent from my life.

One of the main reasons I fell in love with my DH was that he was present for his DD, my DSD. To the extent of turning down amazing - and I mean amazing - opportunities to work abroad. To not be in the same country as her was unthinkable.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, but I think that his actions speak to his character. Certainly I would expect if you had a child together and then split up, he wouldn't think twice about moving back 'home'.

Equally none of this is your fault, you're not doing anything wrong. But I think this video has given you a wee jolt - it's OK to take some time to think about things.

NoYOUbekind · 07/10/2021 11:34

I also don't know what part of S America he is from (and am obviously wary of stereotyping) but its the norm in more than one culture that parents leave children behind to go and earn money. (I actually missed the point in your op when you said the DS was living with partner's grandparents some of the time.)

It's ok for that not to be a cultural norm you would consider or follow yourself.

Feelslikealot · 07/10/2021 11:39

I wouldn't marry or be with a man who was happy to live halfway across the world from their young child. Nope. What does that say about his capacity to love his own child?

Getawaywithit · 07/10/2021 11:59

its the norm in more than one culture that parents leave children behind to go and earn money

I would second this. I lived in South America and the Caribbean during my 20s. It is very common for children to be cared for by grandparents whilst the parent works abroad. I am also aware of cases where children were left with older siblings. If the family isn't particularly well off, sending someone abroad to ensure that the family is cared for is a sensible option but you may need to question just how far his obligations extend from a financial perspective - he may not only be supporting his son. Some extended families, for example, may club together every last penny they can find to cover visa, flight and settlement costs with an expectation that all members of the family benefit financially long term from this sacrifice.

Marrying someone from a different culture is complex, particularly when there is family abroad. You typically may have to manage long family visits, for example, of many months duration which is very different to typically British culture. Language and religion are other considerations not only for your children but also yourself. Thinking about how your children would keep in touch with their South American roots is important and remember that flights aren't cheap and are even less cheap during school holidays. You may find that for the rest of your life, you would be holidaying in your husband's home country with expectations about how you contribute to the family household when there (South Americans generally are very traditional in who does what at home, for example). You have a lot to discuss with your partner, I think, about how he sees things panning out in the long term.

I think that his actions speak to his character
For all of the above reasons, there really is a need to be careful with this. It may well speak for his character, but it may not. I don't know how you could successfully and reliably tell the difference.

Greenmarmalade · 07/10/2021 12:01

My concern is the ‘mother is trouble’ comment. In what way? Or is she just being treated badly?

HogDogKetchup · 07/10/2021 14:22

I was wondering if he’s still with the mother? If only on paper?

MrsRobbieHart · 07/10/2021 14:27

Is there any chance he wants to marry you for a visa?

DriftingBlue · 07/10/2021 14:32

Are you going to move to his home country? If you have children with him, will you be able to stay in that country for life, even if the relationship ends?

If you answered no to either question, this relationship isn’t going to work.

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 14:33

"his son was saying Father doesn't exist anymore whilst his Grandfather was explaining, no your Father lives in England and is working."

Wow, for the kid to be saying that, the father must be totally absent from his life. I mean, even when you're continents apart, there's phonecalls and video chat and sending letters and gifts... surely if he wanted to be involved in the kid's life he would find a way.

Going by this clue one I would suspect he is not very interested in being a dad even if you remove your relationship from the picture. Doesn't sound right to me and I would judge him quite harshly for having ended up here.

Original poster
Jeri2021 · 07/10/2021 15:55

Thanks for all of your comments so far. I'm new to mumsnet and looking for some support here. All of your comments are valid. He came to England in 2017 with the intention of returning to South America in 2018. We met in 2018.

In 2019 he went back to America for 1 month holiday..back then I didn't think he would return to the UK but he did.

He has a right to remain visa here so he doesn't need me for a visa.

The grandparents look after the son because the mother doesn't want to look after him on the weekend she wants to party. She gets free child care this way and he considers his grandparents his parents.

I actually met the mother in 2020 when I went there and the son ran to me to hide from her. Its very complicated.

My partner was never in a relationship with the mother..one than a one night thing..

The son could never live here because the mother would never allow it.

My partner has been absent from his sons life since he was 2yr to 6yr..with the exception of the monthly holiday in 2019 and 2020.

I try to enforce conversations with the grandmother to call her son (my partner)..so that him and his son can talk..but my partner says its complicated well.

Is ANYONE in a similar situation? As the child or mother or father Sad

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 16:00

@Jeri2021

Thanks for all of your comments so far. I'm new to mumsnet and looking for some support here. All of your comments are valid. He came to England in 2017 with the intention of returning to South America in 2018. We met in 2018.

In 2019 he went back to America for 1 month holiday..back then I didn't think he would return to the UK but he did.

He has a right to remain visa here so he doesn't need me for a visa.

The grandparents look after the son because the mother doesn't want to look after him on the weekend she wants to party. She gets free child care this way and he considers his grandparents his parents.

I actually met the mother in 2020 when I went there and the son ran to me to hide from her. Its very complicated.

My partner was never in a relationship with the mother..one than a one night thing..

The son could never live here because the mother would never allow it.

My partner has been absent from his sons life since he was 2yr to 6yr..with the exception of the monthly holiday in 2019 and 2020.

I try to enforce conversations with the grandmother to call her son (my partner)..so that him and his son can talk..but my partner says its complicated well.

Is ANYONE in a similar situation? As the child or mother or father Sad

He's a deadbeat. He can't be bothered to speak to his son on the phone? Has seen him once in 4 years?

What kind of heartless bastard treats his kid like that?

Notaroadrunner · 07/10/2021 16:12

Can you imagine if you have kids with him? What will that be like for his son in South America, to be left at home with ageing grandparents while daddy dearest plays happy families with his new kids? I would not enter into a relationship with someone like that, let alone marry them and be part of the reason they stay in UK.

DriftingBlue · 07/10/2021 16:13

You aren’t describing a man forced by dire economic circumstances to face long separations from his son. If his motivations were good, he would be video-chatting as much as possible. You need to get this man out of your life.

farme · 07/10/2021 20:43

So was he still with his partner when he met you? Was it an affair?

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 20:50

@farme

So was he still with his partner when he met you? Was it an affair?
She said the kid's mom was a one night stand. They were never together.
Original poster
Jeri2021 · 08/10/2021 14:20

Thanks for all the new comments as well.

does anyone have any advice on how to encourage the Grandmother to encourage her grandson to communicate with my partner/his dad?

It's complicated because the grandmother has depression and doesn't encourage the son to write to or call his father..

Any ideas without me enforcing? Thank you Smile

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 08/10/2021 14:37

@Jeri2021

Thanks for all the new comments as well.

does anyone have any advice on how to encourage the Grandmother to encourage her grandson to communicate with my partner/his dad?

It's complicated because the grandmother has depression and doesn't encourage the son to write to or call his father..

Any ideas without me enforcing? Thank you Smile

Why does the grandma need to intermediate? Why can't your partner just call her and ask her to put him on the phone/video call?

Does he even try to maintain a relationship?

Because it sounds like he's totally uninterested in his son you you're the only one trying to make it happen.

Bananarama21 · 09/10/2021 15:38

Well he's a Prince charming isn't he? Who decides to leave their child and move abroad promise to come back but get engaged instead. He has no intention of going back and is happy for his parents to parent his child and the mother.

OldWivesTale · 09/10/2021 15:45

Sorry but I couldn't be with someone who was callous enough to effectively abandon his son. And if the mother really is "trouble" then it's even more heartless of him to do this. Imagine if you had children with this man?

huuskymam · 09/10/2021 16:06

@Jeri2021

Thanks for all the new comments as well.

does anyone have any advice on how to encourage the Grandmother to encourage her grandson to communicate with my partner/his dad?

It's complicated because the grandmother has depression and doesn't encourage the son to write to or call his father..

Any ideas without me enforcing? Thank you Smile

You're joking right? He's the adult, he's the parent, hes the one who left a child with elderly parents. He needs to be the one making the effort to communicate with his son, not the child or grand mother. He sounds like a waste of space who wants to forget he's a parent.
Willyoujustbequiet · 09/10/2021 16:18

You're married to a deadbeat dad.

Be careful OP as sure as eggs are eggs he will be a deadbeat husband.

AFewSandwichesShortOfAPicnic · 09/10/2021 17:22

Why did he not go back in 2018 as planned? Because he met you?

Why isn't he making contact with his child off his own back instead of expecting the women in his life to "enforce" it for him.

If he wanted to be in regular contact with his son he doesn't need you or his mother to organise it, he can pick up a pen and paper and write a letter once a week himself if he wanted to. If he's had time to date and start a relationship with you he could at the minimum write to his child. And I'd say he should be picking up the fucking phone a few times a week too, wether he has to phone his parents or the child's mother depending who is caring for him.

Who is it who says the child's mother just wants to party on weekends and criticises her? Him? I'd be careful about believing what he says when he is such a crap example himself.

I wouldn't want to be someone who can't even be arsed to write a letter to his child. Does he send money back for his son at least?

Marblessolveeverything · 09/10/2021 19:10

I am confused, the child has at best a disengaged mother and grandmother with depression and his dad doesn't think I need to be with my child and parent. Maybe it is cultural but my childs dad wouldn't for a moment do this. Career might suffer but rather that then your own flesh and blood

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