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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Coming for further help

22 replies

Countlesswaystolove · 06/10/2021 17:15

Hi,
I have posted before about my DH ex wife and the drama we had over uniform/first day. I found other people points of view very helpful and I am hoping for more guidance.

The current situation is that my eldest DSD is staying with us during the week now as she had a big fight with her mum and moved out. They have come to an uneasy truce and talks were on the table for her to move back home eventually. She is doing her GCSE's atm, and says that she finds it better here to focus on her work.

When DH brother came round he mentioned to my DH that he should reduce the maintenance as she is now (on paper) living with us. My DH does not want to change anything as it took so long to get this order into place, and TBH I don't want it to change either - less fuss plus as mentioned on a previous post DH ex has fallen on some hard times. I don't believe in kicking someone while they are down - no matter how nasty they can be. DH is the same.

The problem is that DSD must of overheard the conversation between DH and brother, because when she has another tiff with her mum - over money - she basically said - "Guess what! Dad dose not have to give you money for me now that I live here". She was being spiteful and TBH I told her off for that remark (She was talking (shouting) on the phone while I was driving) I told her that that is a conversation/matter between her mum and dad, it had nothing to do with anyone else. But the damage has been done.

My DH got a call from his ex and she was screaming that she was going to take us back to court to, "bleed us dry". He tried to explain what happened and that he was not going to cut the maintenance, but she would not listen. For the last 2 days all we have had is texts saying that I need to declare my wage as that will count towards her maintenance claim.

I am sure that is not right, I thought it was the dad's wage only. Or does it change when you are married? She is stating that we cannot have the other two DSC until I had over all our joint earnings.

I am worried as even though we made it through covid, we are not exactly rolling in it either!

We tried so hard this year to help her where we could and it feels like we are being slapped in the face all over again.

She cannot do this can she?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 06/10/2021 17:34

No she can’t. She won’t get anywhere with your wages because she’s not entitled to it.
Legally she can’t do anything about it, even if you were a millionaire.
And morally she shouldn’t be able to either. Why should she have an extra adult putting money in to her household income? Is she going to send you (personally) money too? Because that would be exactly the same thing as neither of you are responsible for each other.

Newwifeatnumber10 · 06/10/2021 17:38

My husbands ex tried this, she didn’t get anywhere with it. She also tried to make a claim on inheritance from his mum who is still very much alive! Makes my skin crawl.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 17:44

No, she has no claim to your money. Only mum and dad are responsible financially for their children. And if your DSD is living with her dad then he is fully entitled to not pay maintenance for her.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 17:44

@Newwifeatnumber10

My husbands ex tried this, she didn’t get anywhere with it. She also tried to make a claim on inheritance from his mum who is still very much alive! Makes my skin crawl.
That's disgusting.
Theunamedcat · 06/10/2021 17:44

Play hardball with her?

Your absolutely right your money is none of her business

Put everything into the government calculator his wages where the kids live nights stayed etc send it to her with the message if you continue your behaviour this will be all you get and I will see you in court

lunar1 · 06/10/2021 18:42

The only time your income is taken into account for finances is if a step child lives with you when calculating university entitlement. So that would be your only responsibility.

She sounds a nightmare!

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 18:43

@lunar1

The only time your income is taken into account for finances is if a step child lives with you when calculating university entitlement. So that would be your only responsibility.

She sounds a nightmare!

Does it?! Shit! I'm not paying for them to go to uni!!
sofakingcool · 06/10/2021 18:49

Yep @WeepySheepy !

My husband is my DS's step dad. He is off to Uni next year and will get minimum loan due to his wage - mine and his dads wage would have given him maximum

Luckily DH has brought DS up as his own and wont consider not supporting him, but I can't imagine that works in all families. Makes me really cross that this is the rule!

lunar1 · 06/10/2021 18:50

If your step child lives with you then the household income is used in the calculation, personally I think it's a shit deal. My step parents income stopped me going to university to study the course I wanted.

My mum really shouldn't have live with him under the circumstances as it completely disadvantaged me.

Youseethethingis · 06/10/2021 19:10

She's blowing out her arse. Your money doesn't come into it and her chance to "bleed him dry" came and went when their divorce was finalized. Even then, I believe even court ordered CM can be reverted to the CMS amount after a year?
I'd just let her carry on wasting her time and energy taking you to court to be honest. She will eventually wear herself out.
I second PPs suggestion to use the government calculator and send her the amount of CM she now owes for her daughter.

RedMarauder · 06/10/2021 19:15

Even then, I believe even court ordered CM can be reverted to the CMS amount after a year?

You believe right unless the person paying maintenance is a very higher earner then you may have to go back to Court.

RedMarauder · 06/10/2021 19:17

If your step child lives with you then the household income is used in the calculation, personally I think it's a shit deal.

Some step-children who are savvy will claim they are living at the lower earning parent's home if the parents live near each other.

Theunamedcat · 06/10/2021 19:27

You can go to university and tick the box saying no parental support basically state your parents are kicking you out you will get the full loan I believe

sofakingcool · 06/10/2021 19:55

@RedMarauder

If your step child lives with you then the household income is used in the calculation, personally I think it's a shit deal.

Some step-children who are savvy will claim they are living at the lower earning parent's home if the parents live near each other.

I wondered about this, but would there be checks made?

Not an option for us as DS's Dad lives miles away

sofakingcool · 06/10/2021 19:56

Sorry @Countlesswaystolove , derailed your thread

For what it's worth though, I think your DSD's mother is being an absolute cow

RedMarauder · 06/10/2021 19:59

@sofakingcool there is another thread on this.

There are also other posts about this issue on different parts of MN as it randomly comes up.

MissTrip82 · 08/10/2021 10:12

@lunar1

If your step child lives with you then the household income is used in the calculation, personally I think it's a shit deal. My step parents income stopped me going to university to study the course I wanted.

My mum really shouldn't have live with him under the circumstances as it completely disadvantaged me.

I can see that it’s unfair, but In what way did it stop you? Or were you not able to work?
RedMarauder · 08/10/2021 10:39

@MissTrip82 if you do certain healthcare and STEM courses due to the amount of work and placements you have to do it, isn't possible to take on extra work outside the course.

There are some Arts courses that are also like this, but I know from how people around have described their courses they tend to be intense periods of a few months where they can't work outside their courses not the entire academic year.

Lollypop701 · 08/10/2021 11:01

@Theunamedcat is right I think. You can’t reason with stupid. Honestly. It sounds like you’ll have all of the kids with you at some point so I’d be paying her the minimum from here on in.

As an aside , don’t mean to be rude, if people want to discuss uni stuff maybe another thread, rather than derail this one???

MissTrip82 · 08/10/2021 11:02

[quote RedMarauder]@MissTrip82 if you do certain healthcare and STEM courses due to the amount of work and placements you have to do it, isn't possible to take on extra work outside the course.

There are some Arts courses that are also like this, but I know from how people around have described their courses they tend to be intense periods of a few months where they can't work outside their courses not the entire academic year.[/quote]
Yes, it is hard in some courses. I certainly found I had to be extremely organised and focused working 30 hours a week whilst studying medicine full-time. Including, of course, extensive shift-work placements.

lunar1 · 08/10/2021 11:04

It was a STEM course @MissTrip82, with a clear expectation that you wouldn't have time for much outside the course requirements.

I has a weekend job in a nursing home and could have carried on, but it was £3.20 per hour (in 1998) and I physically couldn't have done enough hours to support myself.

2mutsandsomebabies · 09/10/2021 17:52

@MissTrip82 can you tell me what 30 hour per week job you did that allowed you enough flexibility to study medicine at the same time? This would really help out a family member as they currently just cannot make it work. Thanks

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