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Original poster

Nervous about DPs ex reaction

34 replies

Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 13:54

Hi all

My partner and I are expecting our first baby together. He has two children from a previous relationship, and a partner where everything is very amicable.

The two children and I get on really well, the whole process of blending has been so much easier than I ever expected. I have two children and they all get on so well. We feel very lucky not to have hit any major roadblocks yet but we're not naïve enough ti think some may come our way.

His ex is nice enough, a good mum from what I can see. They parted amicably and it continues to be that way most of the time.

Despite the children being very happy, she isn't always happy with some of the things we do or don't do on our time and she communicates this to my partner and asks us to consider how it makes her feel - Something my partner struggles with because the children are so happy therefore feels the only consideration that should be given is to the children.

We've met and in general chit chat she asked some questions about how well I know some of his friends and family. At the time I thought it was strange, I knew his family very well and his friends I was meeting that weekend. She continued to ask if his friend was bringing his partner who she knows but has no communication with, when I said yes she continued again asking if they were bringing their children. This was a bizarre line of questioning as the meeting his friends was happening on her weekend with the kids so had nothing to do with her.

Fast track to more recently and we saw each other we she asked if my partner was ok as he asked her to have the kids so he could attend a doctors appointment.

This was a scan so obviously we weren't divulging what this was about.

I very nicely said I think that's for my partner to reveal if he wants to, but it's absolutely nothing to worry about.

Her response was "oh I'll just ask him myself then"...

I'm feeling very "protective" over the new baby and her need for information about his life. This baby although will be a step sibling for his kids, is nothing to do with her directly and I don't know how to keep this a bit more for us. I'm not even sure I'm describing this correctly!

We're going to tell all the children together (as advised by people on here, so thank you) and then message while the children are here.

I'm just worried with the reaction and from my experience with her she likes to know what's going on in my partners personal life. I just feel like I want to keep as much in our bubble as possible. Maybe I'm also just ranting I don't know.

Has anyone felt like this?

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 06/10/2021 14:07

Immediately stop all communication and contact with his ex.

You know she is volatile so to protect yourself while pregnant and your child once it is born you need to stop communication and contact now.

Your DP should be the only one having and contact and communication with her.

First with him leading, he should tell his children when appropriate that they are having a half-sibling - if they are 7 and under wait until after 20 weeks - and, then just before he drops them off he should inform his ex that he has told them.

If his ex then kicks off, you while pregnant and then with your new baby are protected from her as you have no contact and communication with her.

If however she behaves herself you can go back to having a distant relationship centred around the children if you both want.

I'm speaking from experience due to having a DP's ex who kicked off, and my own mother who did not kick off.

Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 14:21

Thanks @RedMarauder that's what I was thinking I guess.

My ex partner didn't tell me when his new gf was expecting and my son was about 6 or 7 at the time. I didn't mind as my son was happy but I know she would like to hear it from my partner.

From previous experience with her i don't want her reaction to our life to overshadow a really happy time for us all, just trying to figure out how best to do that

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 06/10/2021 14:24

What @RedMarauder said. Stop having general chit chat. Let your partner deal with her on everything, that’s his responsibility.

Ozanj · 06/10/2021 14:26

Let your DP handle her. He knows her and the best way to break the news. You should scale back your presence in front of her there’s no need for her to have any involvement with you or your DC unless you want it.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 14:29

From previous experience with her i don't want her reaction to our life to overshadow a really happy time for us all, just trying to figure out how best to do that you might have to try and mentally disconnect from her. If she does/says anything try to channel your inner duck and let it just flow over you. It may be the more she knows she hurts you the more she carries on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 14:30

I agree there’s no need for you to have any contact with her. They’re the DC’s parents, he must have managed his relationship with her by himself before you got together. Quietly step back. I’m many years down the line, married, have a shared child, never officially met DH’s ex or swapped numbers. She’s his ex and the kids’ mum, she’s nothing to do with me. Works well.

How far along are you and when do you plan to tell them?

We told mine at the start of a week of contact and then had plenty of time for them to bring it up if they wanted to.

Embracelife · 06/10/2021 14:30

Why did he ask her tobaby sit?
Is that the deal that they ask each other first?

If not then arrange your own babysitter
Or rearrange your appt

Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 14:31

@Ozanj I guess I'm aware I also don't want to come across as controlling eg telling my partner "don't tell her XYZ" but also I don't want her to know anything that is about my body my baby kinda thing 😬 I've already asked him not to divulge anything and to just say this is happening.

When she's not been happy about something in the past they talked outside for an hour about the seriousness of our relationship where he had to tell her "this is what happens when people get in to relationships"... So I'm worried that some of his time will be taken up discussing us having a baby, almost justifying it like he's had to justify our previous serious steps

OP posts:
Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 14:33

@Embracelife it was a scan early on as we had concerns. So it definitely couldn't be rearranged, it's quite normal for them to swap the odd day if there's an event or appointment

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 14:35

He needs to work on his boundaries. Hard. Now.

If he’s going to he having a relationship and a baby he needs to own those decisions and not get into justifying them to someone he used to be with. Why’s he do bothered about explaining things to her? I find that very odd and quite immature.

Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 14:39

@AnneLovesGilbert that's exactly what I've said this week, that boundaries need to be set. If its to do with the children directly I don't care, they can meet up and chat all day long. But I don't want my relationship and moreso my baby to have to be justified to an ex. Thanks... Checking myself here and good to see I'm not being unreasonable or anything

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 06/10/2021 14:40

[quote Skinnymuffins]@Ozanj I guess I'm aware I also don't want to come across as controlling eg telling my partner "don't tell her XYZ" but also I don't want her to know anything that is about my body my baby kinda thing 😬 I've already asked him not to divulge anything and to just say this is happening.

When she's not been happy about something in the past they talked outside for an hour about the seriousness of our relationship where he had to tell her "this is what happens when people get in to relationships"... So I'm worried that some of his time will be taken up discussing us having a baby, almost justifying it like he's had to justify our previous serious steps [/quote]
So you have a partner problem. He obviously enjoys chatting to her and explaining things to her and justifying himself to her. Otherwise he would stop it.

He likes doing it, he likes complaining to you about it and he likes the effect it has on you.

You can’t stop him and your can’t stop her. But you can choose not to get involved in their relationship and their dramas.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 14:44

Why does he want to divulge private medical information to her?! She's no one to your baby.

Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 14:46

@IM0GEN true. Maybe the more I express my disinterest in this, the less he will talk to be about it and I have asked him this week to set boundaries in terms of justifying our steps in the relationship.

He's a very caring and considerate partner, I think he's trying to get her to see his point of view because she has twice threatened "consequences". But since denied saying this. I feel for him sometimes as he's trying to keep her on side a bit so these "consequences" don't end up happening. But now the baby is coming along I feel it needs to stop. Thank you ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 14:47

@WeepySheepy it's more my fear she'll asl things like was it planned etc... Things that only really my closest friends and family know. Just from the feel I've got from her and when she said she'd just ask him directly why he went to the doctors. I found that very odd!

OP posts:
residentkaleidoscope · 06/10/2021 14:48

Your baby won't be a step sibling but a half brother or sister to his children.

I would have a chat with your partner and establish some boundaries when it comes to talking about the new baby to his ex.

villamariavintrapp · 06/10/2021 14:51

I'm not sure I really see the problem from your examples.. sounds like she was making conversation about whether his friend, their partner and their children were meeting you, that doesn't seem like a big deal? And asking if your partner was ok as he'd told her he had a medical appointment, seems ok to me, you don't have to give her all the answers, but I don't think her asking like that is such a big deal, he is her kids' dad and their lives are linked. Also your baby will be her children's half sibling. Not step sibling, no?

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 14:53

@Skinnymuffins my DH's ex asked why he went to the doctors once and he just replied "nothing to worry about". Like it makes sense she wants reassurance the other parent of her children doesn't know they are about to die etc.

But yeah you need DH on board here. She's owed nothing in terms of info on your baby or indeed even that you are having one.

Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 15:01

@villamariavintrapp

I'm not sure I really see the problem from your examples.. sounds like she was making conversation about whether his friend, their partner and their children were meeting you, that doesn't seem like a big deal? And asking if your partner was ok as he'd told her he had a medical appointment, seems ok to me, you don't have to give her all the answers, but I don't think her asking like that is such a big deal, he is her kids' dad and their lives are linked. Also your baby will be her children's half sibling. Not step sibling, no?
Yes half sibling, not step.

I guess it was in the context of our conversation with the friends question. It was more wanting to establish where I sit eg how many friends I had met. For example when I mentioned his mum text me about something she got defensive.

With her response to me saying it's not for me to say anything to her about doc appointment - I mean if it was serious eg he was dying of course he'd tell her, but anything else is personal yes? By her saying oh I'll just ask him myself then, isn't that assuming he will tell her whatever is going on? I know everyone is different I suppose

OP posts:
Ozanj · 06/10/2021 15:01

[quote Skinnymuffins]@Ozanj I guess I'm aware I also don't want to come across as controlling eg telling my partner "don't tell her XYZ" but also I don't want her to know anything that is about my body my baby kinda thing 😬 I've already asked him not to divulge anything and to just say this is happening.

When she's not been happy about something in the past they talked outside for an hour about the seriousness of our relationship where he had to tell her "this is what happens when people get in to relationships"... So I'm worried that some of his time will be taken up discussing us having a baby, almost justifying it like he's had to justify our previous serious steps [/quote]
Look that’s not a bad thing. It seems like they have a functional relationship so far and as you have this baby you need that to continue. Encourage him to say whatever he needs to but you should disengage mentally from it all. She’s not your problem, she’s his. You could cut her off today, having nothing to do with her, and it really wouldn’t matter; but if your DP did that then she could potentially make things more difficult for you guys during what is already going to be a difficult time.

Original poster
Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 15:02

@WeepySheepy great response!

OP posts:
WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 15:06

By her saying oh I'll just ask him myself then, isn't that assuming he will tell her whatever is going on? I see what you mean about this bit. But it isn't for you to say so she's doing the right thing asking him directly but it's up to him how much he tells her.

Maybe talk to her less? Do you need to talk to her and tell her who you're meeting etc? Just wondering how you've ended up in the position she chats to you.

Have you been with your partner long? If not you could get away with scaling back the conversation a bit I think.

Bananarama21 · 06/10/2021 15:08

Will your impeding arrival have affect on her children going from 4 dc to 5 within a blending situation will have it challenges no doubt, where will all the children sleep what about the financial implications. I think some of these feelings are normal and maybe just offer some reassurance when it comes to telling the children, so they don't go home with genuine concerns.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 15:09

Ah yeah. If it's going to affect his maintenance then it's probably polite to give her a bit of notice.

Bananarama21 · 06/10/2021 15:12

Can he afford to give the same does his maintenance? Does take into account your two? I always think its unfair when it's altered on that basis as her dc financial needs don't change.