How do you deal with the ex?

[wanttosmellgood]

DH has an ex who recently came forward saying her son is his and DNA confirmed this. He's going to start seeing the boy and has been in touch with his ex about how it's going to work. We already have 2 DC together and I've never felt so insecure in my life. I don't know what it is about her but every time she messages him it sounds flirty and he claims it's not and is refusing to set any boundaries. It turns out that she's been going around town saying to people that she's going to take DH out for dinner and they're going to be going on days out together as a family so their son can have a family unit. She's also been trying to make her way into his family, contacting MIL and SIL for play dates, coffee dates, etc. She's posted some things on social media about 'getting her family back with her baby daddy' and it made me want to puke. I genuinely can't deal with this level of drama and I have such a bad feeling about her. I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm heartbroken that another woman has carried and raised DH's baby and the fact that another woman has access to him like that but I'm really struggling to accept her and the whole situation as it is. Can anyone help on how to deal with this? DH says he would never go back there but he's also admitted to stalking her on social media and looking at her pictures

Well for a start he needs to stay away for the social. And make sure the mother knows what's what and set some boundaries.

@MildCreamyCheddar he says there's no need to set boundaries as she hasn't done anything. He says he will if she does anything but she's being overly nice and flirty on text and it's really getting to me. The problem is that he wants to be overly nice back and says there's no need to cause drama this early on, apparently he's just being civil....

He is enjoying his ego stroked.. Yanbu to keep on top of things..
Before it is more than his ego getting stroked.
Block her on sm.

@Brollywasntneededafterall she beat me to it. I've never even spoke to her!

Never blocked DH though

Personally could she introduce the boy in a netural place such as your inlaws. I can only imagine how you reeling with the news your dh has another child I'd be heartbroken how old is the child in question. Is the woman aware he's married with 2 other dc?

I'm so sorry you're going through this! It has got to be so hard!

How have your in-laws been?

Your husband needs to be listening to you. Your entire family life have been turned upside down.

Of course he sees his son but he is not building a family with this woman who chose not to tell him about his son.

It is so hard not to look on social media. It's hard not to compare.

How are your children?

@IVFdreams2021
The OP has to accept that this woman and the OP's partner are family to this child as are the OP's children and her in-laws. That does not mean that the OP's partner is building a family with his ex , and the OP needs to internalize the difference.

Neither OP nor her partner have any control over what the woman says or does. They can choose to largely ignore it or they can engage. If they choose to engage, they should do so with the full awareness that they have no real ability to effect any change in the ex's behavior.

For the OP, I would imagine the real difficulty will come with the realization that her partner and his extended family will likely come to love and accept this new child in much the same way that they love and accept her children. If they are good and decent people , they will see no difference in the children.

As much as we do not like to think about it, any man who has had sex with a woman could possibly have a yet to be announced child somewhere out there. There is no form of contraception that is 100% effective. It is a statistically unlikely occurrence, but it is certainly a possible occurrence.

Maybe it would be helpful for the OP to get some counseling or therapy in trying to navigate this difficult and unexpected situation.

It can hardly be an easy situation for either the dad or the child , and nor can it be an easy situation for OP's children to grasp.

Seemingly, the ex may not have a very mature or realistic grasp of the complexities involved and her responses seem more like that of an immature teenager rather than an adult in the midst of a serious situation.

Unfortunately, you have to take the parties as you find them. Regrettably, this ex brings little to the table that is likely to be positive .

He needs to be putting boundaries in place. He isn't as he's loving the attention and thinking he's got an excuse to get away with it. If it weren't from the mother of his child he wouldn't think he could get away with it. I bet he's loving it.

I think for most women, this is the nightmare scenario, and that plenty of people have read your post, shuddered, and hurriedly closed it.

No amount of sympathy I can express covers this. I have seen several posts in the last few months of mums in similar predicaments, which has me wondering. Maybe the DWP are coming down hard on women who don't put the father's name on the birth certificate? Or maybe a woman waits until the man has an enviable life on social media before gatecrashing it?

Regardless, apparently you are not alone. That suggests that there may be online support groups just starting up somewhere. Maybe even specialist counsellors/psychologists who are making this their field. It may be a matter of finding the right buzz words to search on. But support you need. Start with your GP and see if you can get a few free sessions of psychological support.

There is youtube material in abundance for some of the issues you are facing. Coping with Narcissistic Behaviour stands out. DARVO. And probably stuff on avoiding the 'Pick Me' dance that this woman is setting you up for. I doubt your husband knows what's hit him - he is going to need any wisdom going and all his wits about him too. There is a Dadsnet here, but it isn't used much.

Might be worth writing to the agony aunt section of a broadsheet paper - they have better resources for winkling out specialists.

For the OP, I would imagine the real difficulty will come with the realization that her partner and his extended family will likely come to love and accept this new child in much the same way that they love and accept her children. If they are good and decent people , they will see no difference in the children.

Unless they were really buddy buddy with her in the dating days, I'd imagine they view her with some trepidation. Such a drama queen is not good news for happy family life. Grandchild or not, they may not be welcome if contact comes with either a pay per view attitude or intense babysitting demands. This woman may also have an eagle eye on their wills! Personally, I'd be incredibly wary of someone who popped out of the woodwork like this.

The family may view her with quite a bit of trepidation, but they are not likely to transfer trepidation to their grandson. They may want nothing to do with the mom, but when they see similarities to their son, they will probably melt. While they may not want mom at Xmas dinner, the feelings about the child will hopefully be very different particularly given the irrefutable proof of DNA and their son's positive attitude.

I'm a bit confused by this. If you've got two children with your husband and this woman is an ex of his that has just plucked a mystery child out of thin air then this new child is older than your own children, yes? So the ex can't have been a very recent ex then? How old is the new child? And why has it taken X number of years for this woman to decide a DNA test is in order and that now your husband is confirmed to be the father that she wants the child to have a relationship with him?

There's one hell of an agenda here I suspect, OP. Has she just come out of a relationship perhaps and decided rekindling an old flame by producing a DNA test is less effort than Tinder? Has your husband and/or his family just come into some money or an inheritance of some sort? Or has she just decided that getting a DNA test and caning your husband for years of back dated child support is a good income stream that she doesn't have to work for?

It's one thing to expect your husband to set boundaries but I think you also need to set boundaries too, OP, to protect yourself and your children. While I agree your husband is doing the right thing by developing a relationship with the child he has just met (despite the cataclysmic shock it must have been for him) it cannot come at the detriment of you and your children and the life you have built together as a family.

It's very unfair to emerge with a child like this. Unless she honestly didn't know your husband was the father or couldn't find him...there's no excuse.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe she's trying to be friendly and not come across as difficult to deal with.

She's posted some things on social media about 'getting her family back with her baby daddy'

They weren't ever a family though.

She sounds rather immature posting all this stuff.

I don't know what it is about her but every time she messages him it sounds flirty and he claims it's not and is refusing to set any boundaries.

Is he showing you the messages or are you looking at his phone?
He may not perceive the messages like you do.

How old is his son? Is your DH not angry at missing the first however many years of his child’s life? His ex has also deprived the child of a relationship with his father and with half siblings and wider family.

It’s so odd that he’s enjoying all the flirting and not setting boundaries. He needs to close down all the suggestions of them taking their son out together, unless he intends to do this.