Any valid reasons to 'fast-track' moving in?

[AnnabelsParrots]

TL:DR:
Separated nearly two years, moved areas, renting is making a dent in my savings, is two and a half years too soon to buy with new-but-not-new man if it means my kids are more settled/happier. I have kids, he does not. They know him and really like him.

Long version:
My children (7, 11)'s father ended our relationship during lockdown (spring 2020). We had moved several years prior to be near his family. I had no family support in this area, and it was better for me (and I truly feel, my kids) to move a few hours away back to my home area (I had never settled in his area nor been happy there). The children were happy to move, they are still home educated so school wasn't an issue, and they are happier in this area. Their father also moved to my home area (half an hour away) to be near the children, and he's happy enough as he got a better job and has a few friends here too.

We've sold the family home, so I have a small deposit now.
I am currently living in less than ideal conditions, the idea being to rent til the house sold, then work out where to buy/be in a good position not in a chain. I can only afford a tiny house with probably no garden in this area. Even if I move further out, I won't be able to stretch to much. In the meantime, I'm haemorrhaging money on rent, and am financially not thriving, and this doesn't feel like home as we know we aren't staying.

I have reunited with an ex-partner from 20 years ago (so I know him very well, he's not new.). We've been talking daily for nearly a year now. Then seen each other quite regularly since lockdown restrictions eased, as my childcare permitted. Things are going great, and we see a future together. He has no kids of his own, did want them but it didn't happen, and he'd love to be involved in some capacity with mine now. He's the brother of one of my best friends, my children have met him four times since we've moved back as part of a group with my friends and their kids, including one long weekend where there were 20 of us hanging out, and another weekend where there were a dozen of us. Then a day just the four of us doing an activity he and my kids are especially in to, that I'm rubbish at, so the kids didn't think it weird that I'd roped in some adult help. I know these holiday-style weekends/activities aren't real day-to-day life, but I feel it bodes well that they get on so well. My youngest has asked a few times when we are seeing him again as he's so fun.
I have other male friends and it's very normal for my children to know my adult friends.
My children do not know he and I are in a relationship; I have wanted to give them time to grieve their father and my relationship being over, and adjust to the current changes. I do believe they are in as good a place emotionally as could be hoped. They both really like him. He always makes a great effort to engage with them, he's fun and funny and really natural with them.

He does not live near here. He is willing to uproot himself from where he is, and move back here. (His sister/her kids (friends with my kids) also lives here, which is a bonus to him/her, but he'd be moving back for me.)

What timescales should I be considering optimal for the children? He is offering to wait as long as need be, and has been very patient with me and my situation.

The children come first. I would like to progress things soon, for them as much as me/him. He and I have discussed my talking with them after Xmas, maybe early spring, and planting the seed that we like each other as more than just friends. Does that sound reasonable? A good way to go about it? (I am absolutely sure that neither child suspects anything, they are both not wise in that sense.)

IF they take to the idea as well as possible (I truly think that they will), what timescales are good with a view to moving in together? I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for them to feel happy, adjusted etc. But. And here's the reason for my thread title. We really aren't very happy in the house we are in. It's way too small for us, causing a lot of stress. It's surely not worth me putting the equity I will get from my house towards buying a house of my own (even if I could; it's looking very hard to get a mortgage on my income plus my age) only to sell in what, two to four years to buy with DP. So I stay renting a little longer, but we don't feel settled here, it's not a great place, we all feel like we are living in limbo. Combining our assets feels like a wise move, that would benefit us all, especially the children.

If DP and I pool our resources, sooner rather than later, we will all be better off, both in a better property (a room each for the kids, a garden, nicer area), and have more money at the end of the month, and ease the stress of my current housing situation. Is it reasonable to think we should do this, and hope to be moved in, by next Xmas (so start house hunting summer 22)? That'll mean it's two years since I moved them out of the old family home. I'm convinced they will be happier in a better property. If, obviously, once they learn DP and I want to be in a relationship, IF they are ok with that (I do think they will be.). There's no huge reason for Xmas 22, but it feels reasonable to me, and I really feel we will all be happier and feel settled. The kids both say they don't feel settled in the property we are in.

Is two and a half years fast, to be living with a man that isn't their father (let's assume they are happy with him, and my relationship with him. Obviously if they aren't, that changes everything.).

Anything we should be doing?
Any reading recommendations?

Thanks

I can very easily see myself in your situation if I were to ever split with my DH tbh so I hope my comments don’t come across as harsh OP.

@Hotelhelp

It’s a bit concerning really how much it looks like you might need to rely on this guy? I get that two people coming from previous relationships with equity to play with will manage to buy more than someone on their own and it would be tempting but it really sounds like the financial security is a main factor here and that’s just not good.

Then if things go wrong down the line … it’s just ringing alarm bells OP.

I didn't want to blether on about how great he is! The main factors are how well we get on, how much we make each other laugh, how aligned we are, how attracted we are physically to one another, etc. He's great with my kids, and they like him a lot. The finances would be a team thing, I'm not with him for his, he's not with me for mine. Together we can just get something much better than either of us can solo. He'd love to be involved in family life as he didn't manage to have kids of his own. I'd love to have his involvement, as and when my children are ready.

I'm not relying on him. I can manage. It would be a lot of compromises, though, and it's just a fact that two incomes will get a better property for us all, than each of us buying our own. And I do just want to live with him, wake up to him, hang out, watch movies, I want it all.

@Hotelhelp

I can very easily see myself in your situation if I were to ever split with my DH tbh so I hope my comments don’t come across as harsh OP.

Not at all. I appreciate the input. I hope you don't split from your dh. I was very upset at the time, but I really am happier with the new/old guy, despite my current less than ideal living conditions. Financially, it is just harder solo. Not because I'm a woman.

You’ve been together 6 months, part of which has been in lockdown, and very long distance. It’s much, much too soon to be making plans that depend on involving him. Especially as your DCs have only met him 4 times, and you have no realistic proposals for exposing them to each other more gradually.

Of all the suggestions, him moving nearer to you and renting his own place for a period is the best. You see it as throwing away money on rent; I see it as investing in time to get it right.

I love my DH with all my heart. I trust him more than I trust any other human being on the planet. He is the biological father to our shared child. It’s still very important to me that at any moment, I can tell him to walk out the door and I will not worry how I will pay the mortgage. I never want to be in a position where I might have to make a choice between protecting my child and keeping her housed. If my wonderful husband has an invasion of the body snatchers moment, I am prepared. I grew up with an abusive parent and it’s just not something you ever want your kid to experience.

So my advice is do not put yourself at risk by buying a house with a man who is not the father of your children and does not even have any real idea what it will be like to live with them on a full-time basis.

You sound like a really responsible caring and thoughtful parent , it's always the ones that worry that are doing it right .. you will be fine and they will be fine because you put their needs first .. so keep going with that instinct

Where is their dad in all this? Do they see him and is he supporting them financially?

I'm trying to work out timings. It's max 18 months since the split if it was spring 2020 and then you've been speaking to the new man a year, and seeing him since lockdown eased - so about 6 months? And he lives hours away? So you haven't seen him a lot yourself in person?

It does seem you are really trying to do what is best for your children. I think I would start hanging out more with the new guy both on your own and with the children and other people for a few more months. He doesn't need to stay with you to see the children in all their moods. It just seems like you are ready planning ahead and in your head you have moved forward very quickly.

If you do move in with this new man, ring fence your deposit so you do not lose it if things do not work out.

I personally think you should buy whatever you can afford and move the boyfriend in slowly. Not dive straight into a relationship which ties you financially to another man who you’ve not actually been dating for long.
But you’re not going to listen to that advice. So ring fence your deposit legally.

Honestly OP, you sound like you've made your mind up and now your justifying it. Most posters have said don't do it, and you're finding a reason around their reasoning!

What if it's all to much for your new BF, living with an instant family? Living in a small house is NOT the worst thing for your DC.

You may be one of those lucky ones where it all works out peachy. But the fact you're prepared to plough on, after only being together for a short time now, making plans for 12 months, before your DC have even met this man as your BF and not just a friend, it's honestly a bit crackers and doesn't sound like you are necessary putting the best interest of your DC first.

Why did you & your current partner split up 20yrs ago? What's changed?
If it all goes wrong with him, what's your back up plan?

How about he moves down to your locality this Christmas and rents for six months with a view to all of you renting together for six months or a year after that if the increased frequency of you and the children spending time with him works out. If you're renting and he's renting no harm in renting together after a period, much easier to unpick so I think that would be preferable to buying straight away which would cause greater disruption and potential hardship for the DC.

Timeframes that I followed, which so far have worked well for all of us.

Separated from exh in nov 2016
Divorced Jan 2018
Started seeing DP May 2018 (also had known him a long time as friends already)
Introduced to children June 2019
Moved in August 2020

So if I buy by myself first, there'll only be more upheaval in a year or two when we move in together.
It's not when, it's if.
Both scenarios could resulting in having to move houses again.

This house is too small to have him stay here
You're hardly a family of 10 in a b&b room, of course there is room.

As above, I don't know that it will feel that stable, when I'm struggling to make ends meet, living in a small house
If you can't afford to buy a house without struggling then you should continue to rent.

Primarily, my questions here are if it's too soon for the kids, and if it is, does the improved living conditions of living in a better house and area, and having a bit more disposable income, make up for that.
No, nothing can make up it.

they are still home educated so school wasn't an issue
Which job do you do alongside home schooling?

we don't feel settled here, it's not a great place, we all feel like we are living in limbo.
I'm wondering how much you've projected onto your kids. I grew up, as did many others, solely in rented homes and I didn't feel in limbo or unsettled due to it.

I am not sure two and a half years is especially fast. Is it? Especially as I knew him a long time before.
So why have you come on here to ask if others think it's too fast only to revert to your original opinion?

I think it's too soon to even be thinking if it if they've only met him 4 times.

If he is moving near you then you can spend a bit of time round his house? And you can either rent/rent somewhere else or buy somewhere if you can afford this. Then when the time is right think about moving in with DP. You have no idea how things will look in 2 years time.

Primarily, my questions here are if it's too soon for the kids, and if it is, does the improved living conditions of living in a better house and area, and having a bit more disposable income, make up for that

No

Too soon and for the wrong reasons. If you need more income then get more hours or a second job.
If it doesn’t last, the children yet again have to move and deal with a break up.

@BootsScootsAndToots

Honestly OP, you sound like you've made your mind up and now your justifying it. Most posters have said don't do it, and you're finding a reason around their reasoning!

What if it's all to much for your new BF, living with an instant family? Living in a small house is NOT the worst thing for your DC.

You may be one of those lucky ones where it all works out peachy. But the fact you're prepared to plough on, after only being together for a short time now, making plans for 12 months, before your DC have even met this man as your BF and not just a friend, it's honestly a bit crackers and doesn't sound like you are necessary putting the best interest of your DC first.

This

Of course he will understand it is a risk to you. Most men do when they go down this path with partners who have children. That doesn't stop things from going down south though. Even with the best intentions, sometimes people just don't match well together when they live under the same roof.

I think its important that you remember that you are currently in the honeymoon phase, and you may have known him for a long time but exes are usually exes for a reason. Also knowing him previously, and dating him previously doesn't mean that you will skip the honeymoon phase all over again.

It could be better for the kids, in the sense it could all work out rosy. But I personally don't see that as a risk worth taking, because the impact if it doesn't work out. Especially when they have only just recently been through it.
Kids need stability more than nice homes in nice areas.
It would be far more sensible to rent together before jumping into a mortgage.

I am really struggling to understand how and why you would even be considering this after what you and the kids have just been through, and how confident you are that it won't happen with this new relationship.

Do you work?

He isn't/wouldn't be paying my mortgage. We would both be paying a joint mortgage, and both be financially better off.

Well you can phrase it like that if it suits you, but ultimately you would be using his resources to secure a better house for yourself. That’s how you have described it here. All the talk of why you should buy with him because alone you can only afford a smaller place. Well you know what, lots of us are in housing situations that could be improved if we rushed relationships and got mortgages with other people but that’s not fair to anyone involved. Is it?

OP: Is it mad to buy a house and move in with a guy when I just split from my kids' father and he's barely even met my kids?

MN: YES.

OP: No it isn't! I just know we're different! My kids liked him as a cool rando they didn't know I was dating, so they'll LOVE living with him!

Do whatever the fuck you want, you clearly will anyway, but why did you bother asking?

Honestly OP you sound like you’re still very much in the rose tinted honeymoon stage of the relationship and that is no place to be making such long term plans with someone. You can’t factor him into your housing decisions. You’re kidding yourself that all will be rosy. Just have a read of the step parenting and relationships boards. All is not rosy once partners move in. It’s a huge shift in the dynamic of the relationship. When that is complicated by the fact you would be tied to him with a mortgage you are leaving yourself and most importantly, your children, extremely vulnerable. You need to be smarter.

Thanks for all the replies. I can't respond to each individually now, but I absolutely take on board the comments, and will proceed with much caution.

Im one of the 'unique' ones. Met DH on a saturday. He slept over the sunday and for a few weeks he slept every night but left early so DD didn't see him. (He worked shifts so left 5am then wasnt back til 10pm so if we didn't do this we wouldn't have seen each other) They met and got on. I met his DC. All fine. Then he officially moved in. We got engaged 8 months after we met married 7 months after that and now been together over 3 years. We work well together. No drama (anything that causes issues is us together against the problem and brings us closer together)

People all said we were rushing in to it but it worked. He treats me like a queen. My happiness is paramount as is his to me. Sometimes you just gota risk it for a chocolate biscuit. He even taught me to drive and that I think is demonstrative of how sound our relationship is! Ha x

Don't worry about what is 'right' your gut will keep you right!

I'm really glad it worked so well for you, Qwerty. ❤️

Thanks for the happy tale.