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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Any valid reasons to 'fast-track' moving in?

72 replies

AnnabelsParrots · 30/09/2021 23:30

TL:DR:
Separated nearly two years, moved areas, renting is making a dent in my savings, is two and a half years too soon to buy with new-but-not-new man if it means my kids are more settled/happier. I have kids, he does not. They know him and really like him.

Long version:
My children (7, 11)'s father ended our relationship during lockdown (spring 2020). We had moved several years prior to be near his family. I had no family support in this area, and it was better for me (and I truly feel, my kids) to move a few hours away back to my home area (I had never settled in his area nor been happy there). The children were happy to move, they are still home educated so school wasn't an issue, and they are happier in this area. Their father also moved to my home area (half an hour away) to be near the children, and he's happy enough as he got a better job and has a few friends here too.

We've sold the family home, so I have a small deposit now.
I am currently living in less than ideal conditions, the idea being to rent til the house sold, then work out where to buy/be in a good position not in a chain. I can only afford a tiny house with probably no garden in this area. Even if I move further out, I won't be able to stretch to much. In the meantime, I'm haemorrhaging money on rent, and am financially not thriving, and this doesn't feel like home as we know we aren't staying.

I have reunited with an ex-partner from 20 years ago (so I know him very well, he's not new.). We've been talking daily for nearly a year now. Then seen each other quite regularly since lockdown restrictions eased, as my childcare permitted. Things are going great, and we see a future together. He has no kids of his own, did want them but it didn't happen, and he'd love to be involved in some capacity with mine now. He's the brother of one of my best friends, my children have met him four times since we've moved back as part of a group with my friends and their kids, including one long weekend where there were 20 of us hanging out, and another weekend where there were a dozen of us. Then a day just the four of us doing an activity he and my kids are especially in to, that I'm rubbish at, so the kids didn't think it weird that I'd roped in some adult help. I know these holiday-style weekends/activities aren't real day-to-day life, but I feel it bodes well that they get on so well. My youngest has asked a few times when we are seeing him again as he's so fun.
I have other male friends and it's very normal for my children to know my adult friends.
My children do not know he and I are in a relationship; I have wanted to give them time to grieve their father and my relationship being over, and adjust to the current changes. I do believe they are in as good a place emotionally as could be hoped. They both really like him. He always makes a great effort to engage with them, he's fun and funny and really natural with them.

He does not live near here. He is willing to uproot himself from where he is, and move back here. (His sister/her kids (friends with my kids) also lives here, which is a bonus to him/her, but he'd be moving back for me.)

What timescales should I be considering optimal for the children? He is offering to wait as long as need be, and has been very patient with me and my situation.

The children come first. I would like to progress things soon, for them as much as me/him. He and I have discussed my talking with them after Xmas, maybe early spring, and planting the seed that we like each other as more than just friends. Does that sound reasonable? A good way to go about it? (I am absolutely sure that neither child suspects anything, they are both not wise in that sense.)

IF they take to the idea as well as possible (I truly think that they will), what timescales are good with a view to moving in together? I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for them to feel happy, adjusted etc. But. And here's the reason for my thread title. We really aren't very happy in the house we are in. It's way too small for us, causing a lot of stress. It's surely not worth me putting the equity I will get from my house towards buying a house of my own (even if I could; it's looking very hard to get a mortgage on my income plus my age) only to sell in what, two to four years to buy with DP. So I stay renting a little longer, but we don't feel settled here, it's not a great place, we all feel like we are living in limbo. Combining our assets feels like a wise move, that would benefit us all, especially the children.

If DP and I pool our resources, sooner rather than later, we will all be better off, both in a better property (a room each for the kids, a garden, nicer area), and have more money at the end of the month, and ease the stress of my current housing situation. Is it reasonable to think we should do this, and hope to be moved in, by next Xmas (so start house hunting summer 22)? That'll mean it's two years since I moved them out of the old family home. I'm convinced they will be happier in a better property. If, obviously, once they learn DP and I want to be in a relationship, IF they are ok with that (I do think they will be.). There's no huge reason for Xmas 22, but it feels reasonable to me, and I really feel we will all be happier and feel settled. The kids both say they don't feel settled in the property we are in.

Is two and a half years fast, to be living with a man that isn't their father (let's assume they are happy with him, and my relationship with him. Obviously if they aren't, that changes everything.).

Anything we should be doing?
Any reading recommendations?

Thanks

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 30/09/2021 23:36

I think the problem is that they have only seen him four times. How frequently would you like him to hang out with them? I think I need to see him in all sorts of situations e.g. when they're tired, hungry as well as when they're having fun.

MrsRobbieHart · 30/09/2021 23:36

Your timeline seems a bit fluid. 2 and a half years? When you only split with their father a year and a half ago? But then also only started dating him when lockdown restrictions eased- so may of this year? Or later?

OverTheRubicon · 30/09/2021 23:38

It sounds like you're really trying to do the best for your DCs and also have a great relationship, which is good. It makes sense for them to see more of your dp.

But moving in after Christmas - so only a year and a bit into a new relationship, and fairly soon after really meeting him - feels too soon. I'd say at least 18 months but ideally 2 years, and that's with more in person time together, and the DCs knowing him and vice versa.

2 things that stand out:

You may have been talking daily, but not seeing each other a lot makes it hard to be real, especially in the first year and without DCs. He probably does love the idea of being involved, but spending every evening with a 7 year old could be a leap for someone whose been living alone a while and has no DCs.
If it's just the 3 of you, and presumably they also spend time with your ex - in what way is the current place too small? Is there any way to focus on decluttering and organising rather than needing to pool money for a bigger place?

MrsRobbieHart · 30/09/2021 23:38

Personally I wouldn’t even be considering him in my housing plans. You’ve been dating him a very short time. Your housing decisions should be based on your finances and you and your DCs requirements. He is decoration in your life right now. He isn’t a means to pay your mortgage.

MrsRobbieHart · 30/09/2021 23:40

Put it this way- if he didn’t exist you’d have to house yourself according to your own resources. And you’d do it. So do it now. Don’t fast track a relationship to get an extra bedroom or a garden. And don’t tie yourself financially to someone you really don’t know well enough to be tying yourself to. I’m sure you thought you’d never split from DCs dad either, but you have.

TheChip · 30/09/2021 23:41

I personally don't think it is wise to take on a mortgage at such an early stage in the relationship. Fair enough if you didn't have kids. You could find yourself right back in this very position in another 2-3 years time.

BootsScootsAndToots · 30/09/2021 23:45

Agree with pp, remove the financial motivation here. I really don't think you should be looking to buy a house with this new partner.

Find a home for you and the DC, give them that stability, without the complications of another person that may also uproot their lives at some point.

TrampolineForMrKite · 30/09/2021 23:49

I’d I understand @AnnabelsParrots timeline correctly it went/she hopes it will go like this:

March-May 2020: split up with father of children
Dec 2020: moved out of family home
Spring 2021: started seeing new/not new DP
Summer 2022: hopes to house hunt
Christmas 2022: hopes to move in

So it’ll be 2.5 years since the split with the children’s dad.

Sorry @AnnabelsParrots no advice really, beyond that I think that things can move quickly and work out. My husband and I moved in together a month after we started going out and just six months after first meeting. We were married within 18 months and brought a flat and had a baby soon after. Over 15 years later it’s all still good, love the bones of him, he’s a legend and we have a great marriage. I think that prescribed timelines are a bit of a nonsense really. But it was just us taking that gamble, we weren’t playing roulette with any young kids where a harmonious domestic situation is key to them becoming adjusted people later on in life. Undoubtedly that would have made us more cautious.

So really, I think that you need to make your DP a regular feature and see how it goes. He needs to see the nitty gritty of what being in your domestic situation looks like: the school evenings they’re overtired arseholes who won’t eat what you’ve cooked for tea; the weekend everyone’s got a cold and is fed up and snarky with each other; the half term holiday where it’s rained every day and you’re juggling childcare and it’s all a bit wearisome. Of course, he should see more of the fun stuff too, but he needs to test the waters of your day to day life with the kids and see if it all works for everyone involved.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

NoYOUbekind · 30/09/2021 23:56

Financial interdependence is literally the worst reason to fast track a relationship. This is a terrible idea.

PickAChew · 01/10/2021 00:03

Without your kids I'd say knock yourself out but you need to put them first and rent your own space.

If the relationship works, then great. If it doesn't, then you've saved them some upheaval.

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 00:54

@HollowTalk

I'm open to working out what is best for the children in that regard. Up til now, I've not wanted them to feel I'd moved on in any rush from their father, and I wanted them to feel I was fully emotionally available to them. I am starting to feel like the time is close to it being ok to tell them I'd like to date (Spring 2022, so two years after their father left me; this seems reasonable, I think.). I think I'd like to see this Xmas through as just the three of us, then the new year seems a good time to put the feelers out to them about me dating someone who isn't their father, and is also a man we know they fortunately really like. He's not local though, so he'd either have to move, and waste money on renting, or he could stay with his sister more (she's happy to have him) and keep traveling hours across the country (exhausting for both of us, and not a great use of our limited weekend time) but it's just tricky, geographically. How do I expose him to them being tired and grumpy when he doesn't stay with us? I don't know about him staying here any time soon, I don't really know how to make that happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:09

@MrsRobbieHart

Trampoline pretty much has it, in a post a few posts after yours. I'm talking it WILL BE two and a half years, ish, from my relationship with their father being over, to the time I start thinking about moving with this other man.

Relationship ended: spring 2020
Started talking with first ex from 20 years ago in the winter of 2020.
Moved to my home town after Xmas 2020. Started seeing new guy in person spring 2021. So spring 2022 coming up, thinking of telling kids I like him as more than just a friend. IF they react well, we see him more, all of us, carefully, gradually. IF that goes well, we talk about finding a home around Xmas 22. A year in that regard does not sound like much, BUT, it's a year of living in a house we are feeling cramped in, unsettled as it's rented and we are limited to what we can do to the place, as well as I just don't want to be throwing money at it to make it much better when I haven't really got money to spare. Under these circumstances, I'm wondering if it's crazy to consider living with new man by the end of 22/start of 2023. Because I think the pros of a better home for all of us outweigh the cons of it being slightly sooner than others might think reasonable, but it's not just the appeal of a better property, we really feel in limbo, renting, and very unsettled. I really don't think these feelings are good for their mental health, let alone mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:22

@OverTheRubicon

It sounds like you're really trying to do the best for your DCs and also have a great relationship, which is good. It makes sense for them to see more of your dp.

2 things that stand out:

You may have been talking daily, but not seeing each other a lot makes it hard to be real, especially in the first year and without DCs. He probably does love the idea of being involved, but spending every evening with a 7 year old could be a leap for someone whose been living alone a while and has no DCs.
If it's just the 3 of you, and presumably they also spend time with your ex - in what way is the current place too small? Is there any way to focus on decluttering and organising rather than needing to pool money for a bigger place?

Xmas 2022, so it will be two years since we picked up (phone/online) from winter 2020, and just under two years from seeing him in real life. We do feel very real. And we have history, which helps. I know it will be a leap, but I'm not sure how to practically deal with the logistics of our locations. If he moves to this area, he either starts renting (huge waste of money, and often tied in to a 12 month contract minimum), or he buys. I want the financial security of buying too. My own funds mean I can buy a small place for my children and me, with huge compromises (space, location, garden etc). If we buy together, I really feel we'd all benefit. He's very involved with his nieces and nephews (same ages as my kids), and stays with his sister when he's in the area. My kids are pretty chilled.

Our current place is two-bed so the kids share, and both rooms are really small. We are all on top of one another. The lounge/dining room is small, there's only one table for them to do their work at, which they also have their computers on for gaming, which we also have to eat at. There's no loft, no shed, no garage. I have very limited storage. The bikes are in the already cramped living area. It's definitely a stop-gap. Rent is very expensive. I'd be better off with my own mortgage, but getting one at my age with my income is now hard. Two incomes would make a joint mortgage far more attainable, as well as get us a property that suits us all better, plus shared bills as opposed to each paying as we are.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:25

@MrsRobbieHart

He isn't/wouldn't be paying my mortgage. We would both be paying a joint mortgage, and both be financially better off. This time round, it's not been quite a year. By Xmas 22 it will be about two years. Plus we were together before. I feel like I know him very well.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:30

@MrsRobbieHart

I would, and I could. But I do really believe he and I will go the distance, so for me to buy now feels like a waste of money and effort and hassle and stamp duty, to move in what others think is a better timeframe of an extra year or two. And I don't want to move again. I want my children's next home to be their forever home. I'll only feel unsettled if I buy an interim house, knowing I will live with DP in another year or two. I want to put down roots in one area, ideally the nicest area we can afford as a couple, not one I've had to make many compromises on. I trust him more than I trusted my kids' father. Though you're right, I did trust their father.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:34

@TheChip

This is true, but I do not think that will be the case. He understands it's a risk to me (and him, but I'm more vulnerable as I have the kids), and we have discussed my insecurities. I wouldn't commit unless I was protected in some way. Primarily, my questions here are if it's too soon for the kids, and if it is, does the improved living conditions of living in a better house and area, and having a bit more disposable income, make up for that.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:36

@BootsScootsAndToots

Agree with pp, remove the financial motivation here. I really don't think you should be looking to buy a house with this new partner.

Find a home for you and the DC, give them that stability, without the complications of another person that may also uproot their lives at some point.

As above, I don't know that it will feel that stable, when I'm struggling to make ends meet, living in a small house, Vs, sharing the load with a man I trust, merging finances to get a better house (for him as well as me) which will really benefit the kids.

OP posts:

Tattler2 · 01/10/2021 01:40

Have you considered that the message to your kids, particularly if you have daughters, is that a woman alone cannot provided a good life for her children?

What would life look like to you and your children if you did not need a man (or anyone else for that matter) to make life better for you? Would it not be better to be with a man not because he could help you live a more comfortable life, but rather simply because you wanted to be with him rather than needed to be with him?

Is there no way that you alone can provide your children with a more comfortable environment and give yourself more time to really explore this relationship?

If you move rapidly and things end up going south, it will likely mean yet another disruption in living arrangements for your children.

Hotelhelp · 01/10/2021 01:40

I think you need to put your kids first rather than your finances at the moment. I can absolutely see why you’re thinking along the lines that you are but it’s easy to tell yourself that you will be the exception to the rule, your relationship is the one where it’s ok to do things a bit differently.

It’s really a case of sucking up (yet another I’m sure) part of being a single parent and housing yourself to suit your children first and foremost and then see how things are further down the line with the guy.

Hotelhelp · 01/10/2021 01:43

It’s a bit concerning really how much it looks like you might need to rely on this guy? I get that two people coming from previous relationships with equity to play with will manage to buy more than someone on their own and it would be tempting but it really sounds like the financial security is a main factor here and that’s just not good.

Then if things go wrong down the line … it’s just ringing alarm bells OP.

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:45

@TrampolineForMrKite

I’d I understand *@AnnabelsParrots* timeline correctly it went/she hopes it will go like this:

March-May 2020: split up with father of children
Dec 2020: moved out of family home
Spring 2021: started seeing new/not new DP
Summer 2022: hopes to house hunt
Christmas 2022: hopes to move in

So it’ll be 2.5 years since the split with the children’s dad.

Sorry @AnnabelsParrots no advice really, beyond that I think that things can move quickly and work out. My husband and I moved in together a month after we started going out and just six months after first meeting. We were married within 18 months and brought a flat and had a baby soon after. Over 15 years later it’s all still good, love the bones of him, he’s a legend and we have a great marriage. I think that prescribed timelines are a bit of a nonsense really. But it was just us taking that gamble, we weren’t playing roulette with any young kids where a harmonious domestic situation is key to them becoming adjusted people later on in life. Undoubtedly that would have made us more cautious.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

I'm glad to hear your speedy relationship is working great. Thank you for the well wishes. And the clear timeline, very good!

I feel I'm being cautious, I've waited this long and not told them about him, they've met him as a friend, warmed to him, it has been great. Now considering how to move forward to the next stage, the kids' feelings are of utmost importance. None of my vague timeline moving forward will happen if the kids aren't ready, it's all IF IF IF, but IF they are happy, (and I do think they will be), I'm wondering if 2.6 years is too soon, or, if it's worth doing as the alternative is a much smaller home, less nice area, me frazzled on my sole income and paying all bills, etc.

This house is too small to have him stay here, so I'm not really sure how to expose him to the nitty gritty. I do believe he very much wants to do the daily life stuff with us, not just fun days out and holidays, and that he's very committed to making it work.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:51

@NoYOUbekind

Financial interdependence is literally the worst reason to fast track a relationship. This is a terrible idea.

If it weren't for the kids, he and I would be fast-tracked, living together. I am not sure two and a half years is especially fast. Is it? Especially as I knew him a long time before. I also don't feel it's financial interdependence so much as something that makes good financial sense for both parties. But we will think on that, and protect ourselves.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:55

@PickAChew

Without your kids I'd say knock yourself out but you need to put them first and rent your own space.

If the relationship works, then great. If it doesn't, then you've saved them some upheaval.

I see it the other way. I am renting now. I planned to buy by myself in due course, and hopefully not move again. Now he's on the scene, together we can get a better place. So if I buy by myself first, there'll only be more upheaval in a year or two when we move in together. And I just want to feel the next move is it. No more moving. The kids don't feel settled here, it is cramped and less than ideal. I don't want to upgrade renting elsewhere as it's eating into my deposit.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 01:59

@Hotelhelp

Thank you. I do think the housing together plan is FOR my children, it will be better for them in many ways. Not just financially, but I think having him around will make the kids happy. Not yet, but by next Xmas, perhaps. So that's a whole year and a bit. I stay renting here, knowing it's only temporary. Buying by myself seems the more risky and wasteful.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnabelsParrots · 01/10/2021 02:07

@Tattler2

Have you considered that the message to your kids, particularly if you have daughters, is that a woman alone cannot provided a good life for her children?

Is there no way that you alone can provide your children with a more comfortable environment and give yourself more time to really explore this relationship?

If you move rapidly and things end up going south, it will likely mean yet another disruption in living arrangements for your children.

I can provide a good life. One person can. Two people can work as an equal team though, and build a better life, shared finances, halved bills, with less stress and struggles, more happiness, merge funds and enhance one another's lives in many ways. My money is also enhancing his life, it would be equal. It's not just me taking his, not at all.

I very much do want to be with him because I love him, and always have. If I wanted a rich man, I could go and and find one. He knows I want to be with him for reasons that are not financial. He's really funny, great company, we can talk for hours, there's a spark.

OP posts:

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