Stepdaughter help needed...

[starofandromeda]

Would really value some of your help and advice.
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.

My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.

I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

The error was both deciding to have 2 children too quickly. Both are responsible and both should apologise for the impact it had on the child, thrown into new dynamics with no say at all.
@vivainsomnia are you actually for real? - what a horrible thing to say.
Can you imagine......
"Hey first child - so sorry for lumbering you with siblings. We realise now that your life would have been so much better without them! You have every right to be angry & rude because you weren't left as the single, most important child!"

I have to say i wouldnt be moving back and be putting up with been their maid.
They sit round all day making a mess and youve to clean it fuck that.
Id be cleaning up after ur own 2 let the rest clean up after thereselfs
Let ur husband do it coz he wudnt be long about getting pissed off doing it. Sounds like he treats his dd like a child and not a responsible adult.
Its his job to raise her to be independant.
Bet she washing giving out bout all the meals ya cook, clothes washed etc .

Wasnt*

Thank you for all of your help
@Magda72 yes thank you, the therapist comment is helpful. I have been really beating myself up about the past, thinking what I could and should have done better. But it was really really hard. My worry is that as my stepdaughter was a child throughout this it might leave her with longer lasting scars. I hope not and I am going to suggest counselling for her and that I can go with her too if she wants.
And yes the house does get messy as you would expect with children but not so horrifically that it's an embarrassment! Well I don't think...

I cross posted in the main forum also so have responded to some of the comments on there and am very grateful for your comments too, I find it really helpful to hear other people's opinions in particular those who have stepchildren themselves or have grown up with step-parents so thank you.

She lived with Dad on her own for 12 yrs, you moved in and within a few months had a baby. Then another one.

Difficult age, a teen with no mum, has a new woman in her Dads life and then two babies that dominate her home. She wanted a mum and you by your own admission are introverted and naturally prioritised your DCS. She is jealous

And you wonder why she harbours some resentment to the situation. She comes home and realises her family home, is not her family home anymore and she really does not have a place there.

Sad that her DF did not notice - bet if you look back the signs she was unhappy were there. Too rushed all the way through by the adults and a young lady who now feels able to articulate how she feels.

i actually think it is good this has come out -but refusing to let her move back in will just reinforce her issues that your family have booted her out.
She needs some counselling and her DF needs to make her feel wanted in the new family

It’s impossible for us to know how she was treated or included from when you moved in but assuming you and DH were kind and supportive to her throughout that time then I’m not sure what she is so upset about. If she’s angry with her dad for moving on to a new relationship then that should be discussed with him, not projected at you.

Sending you rude messages about housekeeping is so juvenile. And it’s good she’s now been honest about her feelings but I don’t think everything needs to revolve around her. And as others have said, why on earth does she want to move back ASAP if it’s so awful living there?

Your DH sounds really unhelpful in all this. He needs to call her out on the rude messages, tell her the boyfriend won’t be moving in, back you up more and go to therapy with her.

She can move out and address her issues on her own dime then.

@MeridianB
There are things about this scenario that we do not know : for instance did the young girl and/ or dad maintain the household in neat and organized fashion prior to the OP moving into the home?

We do not know the the daughter or her boyfriend contribute to the messiness in the home. We know that they sleep in late, but we do not know how they maintain the areas in which they spend time.

The dad by having the OP live in the house at times when he was not married to her, sent a message that a partner,/significant other spending time staying in their mutual home is not something to which he objects. We do not know how many partners the father may have had staying in the home prior to marrying the OP. We do not know what the father's feelings are about the manner in which the home is maintained.

We do know that there was not any effective communication between the OP and the daughter for many years. At this point, it probably does not matter who was at fault. If they are going to continue to live in the same house ( and it seems as though father and daughter are satisfied with that arrangement) , it would probably be good if they had some therapeutic intervention to help them come to some agreement about household maintenance and effective communication strategies.

If the house belongs to the father and he is paying or has paid the mortgage, it is not unreasonable that he allows his daughter to continue living there. Asking for rent would only be reasonable if that is what he wants to do.