Stepdaughter help needed...

[starofandromeda]

Would really value some of your help and advice.
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.

My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.

I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

You have to have your DH on your side.
Suggest you and DH have counselling together, and she’s not to move back in till (1) DH is on the same page as you re respect for you, etc ; (2) she has acknowledged and agreed the rules for her behavior in the house, including her contributions.

I don't think after she's expressed her feelings, that the way forward is to set the rules and demand respect.

Her feelings are hers and she's letting you know how she feels. It was difficult for her and of you're both open to it, therapy could help.

There's no point in her moving back in, while she resents you so much..although she may be happy to co exist and get on with her life

Her dad needs to reach out to her and ask his she sees things working between you if she comes back. It's going to be a hostile environment if nothing changes.

Could you let her know that you hear what she is saying, you apologise for how she has felt and how that was never your intention. You'd love a relationship with her and is there any chance you could both start a fresh. How about lunch next week?

It could be a stepping stone to creating a better relationship between you both before she moves back home.

Hmmm @starofandromeda - a very wise therapist once said to me (when I was stressing about divorce & the effects of it on my kids) that all any parent can do is their best & outside of that that's why people like her (therapist) exist!
There comes a point in all our lives when we have to put our big person pants on & stop blaming our upbringing for all our woes & part of that maturing is realising that most parents (& in this situation you are the parent) are trying their best & that therapy is there to try and help you work through stuff & put things in context.
You did your best. In your shoes I would say that to her & also say that you're sorry she doesn't see it that way but you never intentionally set out to hurt her.
The ball is then in her court & she can either woman up & take charge of her experience & emotions or continue to behave like a child.
However, I think the fact that she aired all that without any closure but still expects to move back in speaks volumes about where she sees you in the pecking order & personally I wouldn't stand for it.
She needs to vent her anger in a safe space for you all (therapy) & not poison the atmosphere in a house which two small children call home.
I also feel that you have just become the scapegoat for her anger which is very unfair on you.

This is a taboo question to ask but why did you go on to have a second child when the atmosphere in the house was so bad and the relationship rocky? From the outset it seemed like there were issues but this doesn't seem to have been factored in to the decision making process at all.

I agree with Sandy, you can't ask her to apologise for her viewpoint. She is entitled to have her own thoughts as long as she expresses them in the right way.

Where is your husband in all this? he doesn't seem to be disagreeing with her.

From her pov it was her and her df then suddenly a new partner gets pregnant and moves in and has a new dd. I'm not surprised she feels resentful then you went to have another child shortly after whilst it was fairy rocky. I think this is want happens when people don't take the time to take things slow when there's existing children and then get pregnant quickly into the relationship.

Why was she tidying up the toys surely that's don't to your dc to tidy up after themselves at that age? I wouldn't expect my older child to tidy the younger child's stuff. Totally different if you asked her to tidy her own stuff or clean up after herself.

Sounds like she’s actually angry with her father for getting married and having a new family and turning her world upside down.

But you’re the easier target.

I wouldn’t agree to her moving back in if she hates you so much though. I couldn’t live in a house with so much anger and vitriol.

Where is your H her father in all this? How come he didn’t take his child’s needs and emotional well-being into consideration and I share as having two DC in quick succession whilst his eldest was clearly really suffering from mental turmoil?

Why was she tidying up the toys surely that's don't to your dc to tidy up after themselves at that age? I wouldn't expect my older child to tidy the younger child's stuff. Totally different if you asked her to tidy her own stuff or clean up after herself.
Jesus wept! Communal house, communal spaces, everyone chips in!

I'd better check with my eldest that he's not too traumatised by all those general playroom clean ups I asked him to do when the younger two were too small to 'properly' tidy things away!

Magda72 Well if the house is covered in toys I would be frustrated, my kids are taught if they play with something to put it away into the toyboy it doesn't get left out. If she's already resentful she's going to be resentful tidying up after the kids.

It seems surprising that she so wants to move back given her feelings.

You need a family discussion with her Dad there to support you before she moves back.
You both love DH so that's a good place to start the meeting.

If your house is so bad why is she so desperate to move back? That's what I'd be asking!!

I actually think you sound lovely but it sounds like an issue with your DP (assuming he did nothing after she sent you those messages)

I'm Not saying her feelings aren't valid and I think you need tread very carefully but he needs to backing you! Sounds like her anger should be directed at him and not you tbh but as a PP said you're the easy target

How well was your relationship established by the time you moved in? Was it rushed due to the pregnancy? Was it a planned pregnancy?

I suspect the resentment comes from each step bring rushed with little regard to the complete upheaval that fell upon her.

She probably kept it for herself because she didn't feel she'd be heard then. It sadly grew and grew without anyone noticing until it finally exploded.

You chose to have a baby before living with your partner. You chose to move in and then have another baby. All this benefited you and made you happy. She chose Mon of it and the outcome was not a happy one for her.

It really is no surprise at all she feels the way she does. It must have taken a lot of courage to finally open up. It's without doubt hard to hear, but don't make the sane error again, hear her and try to see it from her perspective and make a move towards her to try to resolve the gap.

I guess the question is where you go from here.
You could apologise for the past, as any pain to her from you was accidental. But she can't move back in unless you're all on a better footing going forward.
Where is your DH in all this? Surely he must share in both the blame and the resolution?

In many ways, it’s good she’s got it in the open. Maybe you can explain you respected her relationship with her dad, and thought you were doing the right thing. You didn’t want to intrude into this relationship so took a step back. You didn’t realise that she would consider this as you rejecting her.

Going forward, you need a big family talk. If dc and bf are going to move back in, lay some ground rules. They are adults so need to take part in the running of the house, contribute to rent etc. Maybe plan some events to include them - movie and popcorn nights for example.

I think you need to apologise for your part in her resentment and acknowledge that although you felt you tried your best, a young child felt pushed out and sidelined.

Ask her if you can start again and try to build a relationship.

It's not nice to be told you got something wrong but you were the adult and she was a child.

Your DH need to be supporting you though, he seems very quiet on the subject.

Is your house very messy? Embarrassingly so? Maybe have a chat about all pitching in when they move back in, they are both adults.

Why aren’t your kids, guided by you and their father, tidying up their own toys?

Your DH has a hell of a lot to answer for. He shouldn’t have had you move in without ensuring the relationship worked for his daughter.

It doesn’t sound like you made as much of an effort as you could… but it was your DH’s job to make sure his daughter had a good relationship with the woman he decided to marry. Obviously he failed at this.

He’s had years to deal with this and now he’s letting you down too by allowing her to lash out at you, instead blaming him.

And from her point of view, this is quite reasonable. If it’s your fault, she can pretend that at least one of her parents cared enough to put her first as a child… think of it as a coping mechanism.

As for what to do, tell your husband to own his mistakes and make amends with his young adult daughter before it’s too late.

I agree with Magda on this. At a certain point, everybody needs to grow up and take ownership of their own behaviour and experiences rather than blame everyone else for them. I would treat her like an adult on this. Tell her you tried your best and you're sorry if she felt it wasn't enough, but also that your reserved nature was a direct result of her being very hostile to you. You were a young mother in a vulnerable position and it was a lot to deal with. You don't blame her for her attitude towards you, but equally she is an adult now, it's time for her to stop blaming you for your natural response to it and recognise how she made things difficult for you. She also needs to recognise how she's continuing to do that, and how she can't reasonably expect to move back in whilst continuing to feel and act this hostile.

I would encourage her dad and her to talk about her feelings of hurt about him moving on with you. That was his decision and not something you need to sit and be blamed for. She's all grown up now, time to direct her feelings where they belong.

In short, I would apologise but not assume full responsibility for this situation. Treat her like the adult she is.

In short, I would apologise but not assume full responsibility for this situation. Treat her like the adult she is.
Spot on @aSofaNearYou

I also agree with Magda72. However, few people even contemplate the possibility of rising above parental shortcomings before their middle 20s!

Don't take too much blame here. You were young yourself. Your DH was already a parent, and he asked you to move into their home. You didn't climb in through an open window and set up home in the attic! He had been living alone with her for 13 years, and was her main source of emotional support. He did not do his homework.

It is sadly only too natural that you become the scapegoat. Her relationship with Dad is too essential to risk - Mum distant, no full siblings - where can she turn? If you've weathered the teenage years, then take a deep breath, because her reaction seems relatively mild. Apologise for any hurt given and put your foot down with DH that he acknowledges his deficiencies to her.

Also, contemplate the possibility that the timing of the scene may correlate with a desire for some significant financial support - as 'compensation' for perceived neglect

Don't take too much blame here. You were young yourself. Your DH was already a parent, and he asked you to move into their home. You didn't climb in through an open window and set up home in the attic!
We don't know how OP would have reacted if he said he didn't want her to move in with him when she was due their baby. What if OP had decided to move to family miles away? He might not have had much of choice.

The error was both deciding to have 2 children too quickly. Both are responsible and both should apologise for the impact it had on the child, thrown into new dynamics with no say at all.

Some of the responses seem very keen to blame OP and her small children for the mess, when I see it quite clearly written in the first post that DSD (an adult) moved in her boyfriend (an adult) and they do not contribute to any housework. Then, the DSD has blamed not her dad, but his female partner as though it is her job to do all the housework for 4 adults and 2 kids. It also sounds as if dad has this assumption at least about the kids.

I'm not taking away from the upset about past events, but that doesn't actually entitle anyone to view OP as their maid. And for the emotional stuff, the dad is the real culprit as his DD was his primary responsibility. I agree with those who said DSD is deflecting onto OP as en easier target.

The error was both deciding to have 2 children too quickly. Both are responsible and both should apologise for the impact it had on the child, thrown into new dynamics with no say at all.

Oh dear me NO! You don't apologise for bringing children into the world. Just imagine DSD then quoting you to your young children.

How would they feel?

I have, kind of, been there. So let's write the story from her point of view.

The thing is, she's living with her dad and so to some degree feels that her mum has left her. So she's very dependent on the one reliable parent, who she has for thirteen years. Then, all at once her father pushes her to one side for his new relationship and children.

She feels she has no one. But she can't get angry at her dad, because the fear is he will leave her too. So she's getting angry with the 'safe' person in this, you.

All of which is a mess on all sides which is quite hard to right. And to some degree can't be righted now, just managed.

It's going to help no one for her and her boyfriend to move back in with you, all that will happen is that you will all maintain the same dynamics and nothing will change. (the main difference with my situation is that I could not wait to get the fuck out of my family home and then never went back).

Can you help her to find some other accommodation? Even - and this may not be possible - help her to pay for it? This seems to be a way of acknowledging the wrong without keeping it going.

The other thing that would I think help would be for her to have some therapy, and, again if you could help with this it might make a difference. But if not, your DH needs to be listening to her and spending time with her and accepting that what has happened to her was not fair.

The error was both deciding to have 2 children too quickly. Both are responsible and both should apologise for the impact it had on the child, thrown into new dynamics with no say at all.
@vivainsomnia are you actually for real? - what a horrible thing to say.
Can you imagine......
"Hey first child - so sorry for lumbering you with siblings. We realise now that your life would have been so much better without them! You have every right to be angry & rude because you weren't left as the single, most important child!"