Would you remind step siblings about bday?

[Anuta77]

Our son turned 4 last week. None of his older brothers (19 and 21) came or even called. The 19 year old usually makes efforts for people's birthdays, but his excuse for not coming was that he didn't find his bus pass (he could have simply paid cash, which is really cheap, especially for someone who works, so I don't buy this excuse).

They are close to their father who runs to see them in their house every week, so they don't have to ours. However, normally, we all have a good relationship and the rare times they see our son, they are very affectionate. We all try to acknowledge everybody's birthdays, no matter what age.

What bothers me is that my son always gets excited about the 19 year old (the other comes even more rarely, so he's not as connected to him) because he's very charming and makes you feel special when he wants, so it will become confusing that at least on a more special occasion, there's nothing.

I'm basically thinking of asking them how come they didn't come, at least to "teach" them that it's appreciated (because their father doesn't care about this and his attitude gets passed to them). What would you do?

Or, I'm thinking that starting now, we'll stop acknowledging their birthdays, not to spite them, but because if we're not close enough, then why bother? Things should be equal.

Did you invite them? Going forward, it might be helpful to invite them in advance. Ring and say something similar to, it is x birthday in a few weeks. We’d like you to come and celebrate with us. Which of 1,2, 3 dates work for you?

This way, they’re reminded and feel included.

Personally, I think a parent should always acknowledge their children’s birthday, regardless of how old they are. Even if it is just sending a card.

What your beef is acknowledging birthdays between siblings. Totally different. Your DH (not you) should be having g a word to say that even calling to wish happy birthday or send a card to their little brother would be an appreciated gesture as he is now of an age where he understands about birthdays and family so would mean a lot to him.

How the older children acknowledge their half sibling is their decision. And one that I would advise is tackled by their father. Not you.

If there is an underlying issue here, you attempting to ‘teach’ them will only exacerbate an issue (as a 21 year old I could very easily see myself telling you where to go if you lectured me on this).

In terms of how the 4 year old feels? This is for you to manage as the parent. I have nephews and nieces whom my children adored when younger and they were close to. Then at about 16/18 (varying ages), they just stopped coming to see my children as regularly. Even for things like birthday parties. My children were sad but I simply explained that because they were older, they had their own things they wanted to do and they loved them but it wasn’t for me to force them to come.

Fast forward a few years, they all have a lovely relationship. They still come by, when they feel like it (not because they were ‘taught’ what they must do). If I had in fact forced these situations I can tell you we wouldn’t have the relationship we have now.

I'd leave it and not remind the 4 year old of their birthday.

No point forcing it. If 4 year old wants to add their name to a card then fine.

Then at about 16/18 (varying ages), they just stopped coming to see my children as regularly. Even for things like birthday parties.

I understand teenagers or young adults not caring for a small child's party, but not acknowledging a birthday at all? Not even with a little video call?

When I said "teach", I obviously didn't mean lecturing them, it's not my job to do it, I meant asking them if they forgot it. I know that their mother if she doesn't get a mother's day congratulation or frequent texts when she's on vacation, she gets upset and it works.

@Dinoroaraus

I'd leave it and not remind the 4 year old of their birthday.

Sure, we only have control of what we do.

I understand teenagers or young adults not caring for a small child's party, but not acknowledging a birthday at all? Not even with a little video call? some people are just like that so it's not necessarily personal. They just never remember anyones birthday.

One of my nephews doesn’t acknowledge any of my children’s birthdays. Or mine. He’s proper rubbish at it and for him it’s not a priority.
And it’s not as if birthdays weren’t a big deal for him as a child. They were. But now as a young adult, it’s a non starter for him.

I can’t explain it, but I certainly don’t let it bother me and when it bothered my children I spoke to them about it.

As a PP suggested, do you do a family dinner around the childs birthday? I always do it (either the weekend before or after) and certainly my siblings come. Hit and miss on their kids.

But then they have the reminder and can choose to attend or send a card and not attend. If they do neither then you know they aren’t bothered by it.

I’d tell them it was pretty poor of them to not even mention their little brother’s birthday personally.

@Anuta77

Or, I'm thinking that starting now, we'll stop acknowledging their birthdays, not to spite them, but because if we're not close enough, then why bother? Things should be equal.

A parent acknowledging their childs birthday is hugely different from an adult not acknowledging a half siblings birthday where there’s no close relationship and a huge age gap.

My brother forgets my birthday every year. He's just like that. There's no ill intent he is just rubbish at birthdays.

Yep I don't think you can expect them just to remember or turn up. Invite them to a birthday lunch and that will serve as the reminder.

What bothers me is that my son always gets excited about the 19 year old (the other comes even more rarely, so he's not as connected to him) because he's very charming and makes you feel special when he wants, so it will become confusing that at least on a more special occasion, there's nothing.

You are thinking there is ill-intent when there is very likely none behind the 19 year old's actions.

Many young people actually find much younger children fascinating so they will happily entertain them for a bit.

Younger children in turn find teens/young adults fascinating as they are nearly adults or adults but not like their parents.

The 19 year old also isn't deliberately forgetting the 4 year olds birthday. Just remind him like PPs have suggested every year. At some point - probably mid twenties onwards - he will remember himself.