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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner's adult daughter's moods

20 replies

VioletMottershed · 27/09/2021 10:59

My partner's daughter who is in her 20s has lived with us for the past 18 months. She is frequently sad/angry about life and has a way of filling the house with her mood, if that makes sense. My mum and ex husband did the same and I have actively escaped both of those only to find myself living a very similar existence in my 50's. I feel like I'm too old and exhausted to live this way, and much as I try the moods and tension are difficult to ignore. My partner is very much about keeping his head down and trying to avoid provoking her, which I understand as when confronted however gently she becomes furious, but obviously it doesn't help. This month she has chosen to pay less rent. She didn't tell us but just didn't pay for a few weeks, then paid less. When asked to discuss she flatly refused, became angry and accused my partner of disrespecting her, when in fact it's the reverse, she tends to ignore or talk down to him. This isn't by any means the first time we've had a week like this, and I've finally cracked and told my partner I've been thinking of leaving for my own sanity and for my teen children (who can sadly spot an atmosphere at 100 paces due to years of experience with their dad and go into hiding). I would never ask him to choose between us even though it would be a nightmare for me to have to move out. I'm estranged from my own dad so wouldn't want the same for them . Of course now my partner is very sad and worried about me possibly leaving and I feel awful about that. Pretty down today and would welcome any advice, thank you.

OP posts:

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 11:02

Well she’s an adult. Can she not move into her own place? If that’s not an option then yes, you and your chicken should leave. Find your own place and you and your partner can still be together. You just will live separately.

For me, an adult who lives at home with a parent needs to have some respect for the house. Her being moody does not mean she gets to be disrespectful to her father.

At 20 she should probably just be living on her own. I don’t know the reason why she’s not, but adults should be out of their parents home so as to avoid this sort of thing.

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 11:03

Children.. not chicken*

purpleboy · 27/09/2021 11:15

How does your partner deal with her? She sounds incredible disrespectful, what are the consequences for that? How is she allowed to just not pay the correct amount of rent?

aSofaNearYou · 27/09/2021 11:27

I don't think someone in their 20s should be allowed to be that disrespectful and still get the luxury of living at home with their parents, so I wouldn't view it as him choosing between her and you if he were to ask her to leave. If she's going to act like that she needs to fly the nest.

It sounds like she needs a wake up call.

Tattler2 · 27/09/2021 11:30

If you have teenage children who are unhappy in your elective environment, it is better for you to find a place of your own. If you chose not to subject them to that environment with their father, why would you now subject them to that environment in a home in which they are not related to anyone?

Your partner could visit your new home without his daughter. Your problem is easily resolved.

You are an adult; you do not need to live in an environment that you for any reason find unacceptable. Moving is an inconvenience but it is an inconvenience that can be tolerated for the sake of your peace of mind and the well being of your children.

There is no reason why your partner should not be free to allow his adult daughter to live rent free in the house as long as he does not expect you to cover her expenses from your income. Leave them to whatever arrangement and find your own space where you are the person in control.

Original poster

VioletMottershed · 27/09/2021 12:51

Thank you for your responses. To answer some questions; she pays rent into an account every month and this month chose not to. She did live away when we first moved in together but fell out with housemates so came here. My partner could not be less like my ex so initially didn't realise I was bringing my children into a similar situation. Leaving will be tricky as I will have to rent and on my salary in this neck of the woods I will struggle in the current rental market. I think if he asks her to leave she will go scorched earth and cut him off. The more I write the more I think I'm best out of this, so it has been helpful, thank you.

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 27/09/2021 12:54

That's probably what the adult daughter wants, violet.

aSofaNearYou · 27/09/2021 13:41

I think if he asks her to leave she will go scorched earth and cut him off. The more I write the more I think I'm best out of this, so it has been helpful, thank you.

Could he not simply talk to her about her disrespectful attitude and tell her she needs to sort it out as it's not appropriate when living together as adults, before jumping straight to asking her to leave?

candlelightsatdawn · 27/09/2021 14:22

I think someone reference the SD as a child, baffling as a 20 year old isn't a child 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 the excuses people will give to bad behaviour on his always blows my head right off. Anyway she's well aware of what she's doing. Sounds like your DH kinda hopes you would put up with it tbh. I would be like if you can't be respectful of this house and occupants, your a adult, go "adult" else where.

I would be like sort it or I will and the fall out will be worse if I do it.

Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit tbh. Imagine saying to a landlord hahahah no playing less rent but be grateful for my miserable presence and him not laughing you out the door.

Cameleongirl · 27/09/2021 14:30

The OP said she was in her 20s, rather then 20, and was previously living with housemates so she’s far from being a child.

Ideally, your partner should speak with her about her moods, because they’re not acceptable. But if he won’t sort it out or she wouldn’t change, leaving is your best option. Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

2me2u2u2me · 27/09/2021 15:41

Of course now my partner is very sad and worried about me possibly leaving

If he feels that sad and worried about you leaving then he should speak to her, tell her her behaviour is not acceptable and it needs to change, the fact that she kicks off when he tries to speak to her, albeit it gently, speaks volumes, she's an adult but behaving like a spoilt child, no respect for any of you.

If he won't do that for fear of her reaction then I'd agree that your only option is to move out.

Imagine how your children are feeling living in this environment.

Original poster

VioletMottershed · 27/09/2021 16:56

Hi thanks again, it's great to be heard and understood. She actively leaves the room/house whenever he tries to talk to her, and then sends vitriolic messages which don't achieve anything. She is mid 20s and by the sound of it has used anger as an out her whole life so I guess that ship has sailed. We have made a lovely home so really sad to leave but looks like my only option. Thanks for all your help.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 27/09/2021 17:24

She sounds vile but she also sounds like a product of her parenting - no one calling her out/saying no/trying to get to the bottom of her anger when younger.
She will get no better without your dp putting his foot down & honestly he sounds weak beyond belief.
If he is prepared to have everyone in the house live on eggshells (himself included) rather than taking a firm line with a bully (because that's exactly what she is) then you are seriously way better off without him.

paisley256 · 27/09/2021 17:29

That sounds so hard for you and your children, If it was me I'd have to be out of there. You can still continue your relationship but atleast yoy won't have that stress or dread that something's going to kick off. You shouldn't have kive like this nor should your children

sassbott · 27/09/2021 17:30

@VioletMottershed I echo everyone else’s posts.

she is not a child
she is being disrespectful and evidently uses anger as a mecanism for control. This is embedded behaviour and most likely has never been address by your partner, which is why she thinks she can behave this way. She’s gotten away with it for years most likely so she will not change easily.
Your partner needs to grow a backbone (or possibly should have done years ago). He himself is welcome to be spoken to/ treated as he wishes but to then say he is sad at the prospect of you leaving? Well what exactly does he expect? That you and your children are exposed to this sort of behaviour because he can’t handle it?
what do your children make of this behaviour? And why are you exposing them to a repeat of behaviour that they witnessed from their father?

It sounds hideous for you and them. I’d never put my children in this situation. Other people’s children’s emotional issues / partners complete inability to robustly parent their children are not something parents should allow to impact their own children.

I’m so sorry for you OP, but get out of this. It feels like a no win situation.

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/09/2021 21:04

Are you living in their family home? It is tricky with adult children, because you (the incoming partner) are challenging the old order, just by existing. You can find yourself bang in the middle of a power struggle.

I think you're getting a poorly vocalised statement from her that this is her forever home and she should not have to pay rent, full stop. This is a generational issue, which you'll find argued hotly on the Relationships board. ("If you were my mother, you wouldn't be making me pay rent.....") One of my DSC didn't want to work full-time, and came out with the prize statement - "there's no point me working more hours, I'll only have to pay you more rent". Bless!

Your DP sounds like a people pleaser, who wants you to do likewise. You may well need to move out, but try joint therapy first.

Original poster

VioletMottershed · 28/09/2021 06:43

It's not the old family home, we bought a house between us while she was living away but made sure we had a spare room for her should she ever need it. As previously she's now returning to civilised interactions, probably because she's realised she needs lifts in the next few days! There has been no discussion or consequences for her behaviour. I guess I know my importance now. I'm done. Thanks everyone for your support.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 28/09/2021 09:17

She sounds like a nightmare. It's no wonder she didn't get on with her housemates. I reckon it's some kind of personality issue/mental health, but that's not the point.

It's affecting everyone else and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Especially your children.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/09/2021 12:08

@VioletMottershed

You are going to get quite the reaction then, when your solicitor's letter arrives - the one forcing the sale of the property.... Bit of a rocket up the rear for both DP and daughter.

Do you have friends or family to go to while the sale takes place?

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/09/2021 12:18

If you have equity in the house, your position is stronger than you think. If DP wants to support his daughter, he has the option of supporting her financially in another place - there is no law that she has to live under the same roof as you.

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