StepBonding - random thoughts

[StepCate]

My husband's 17-yo son has come back to live with us after going to New Zealand with his mum and older sister in 2016. We have always kept in touch. We had weekly contact when they were still in the UK and we 3 went on 2-wk holidays every so year. It's v early days yet he came back in August. Generally it's brilliant having more people around the house. I work full-time so does my husband splitting time between the office and working at home - he's 50 I'm 52. SS has just started at Sixth Form and as far as I can tell tell is taking to it enthusiastically and settling in ok. I'm worried about never really bonding with him because he spends so much time in his bedroom - sometimes I think there are chinks of light though and he does talk to me - we have have chats in the car and chats over meals if his dad's not home yet so I take that as v positive and tell myself it's a very gradual relationship that will grow in time. I'm finding things very hard as my elderly Mum died in May and everything feels like a struggle. Just wondering about other stepmums' experiences. x

Honestly I think it sounds very positive. Keep going as you're going. One of my teenage DSDs went full throttle being all over me and ignoring her mum then her dad then you guessed it, me. The other one is the babiest of baby steps but I see progress.

He's getting on with life. He's seventeen, nearing adulthood and lots going on in his head about the world, less so about his dad's home.

I'm sorry for you loss also. I lost a parent less than two years ago and understand the struggle.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP

At 17, I only emerged from my room for sustenance and to go meet my friends / boys.

My 10 year old DSD has just vanished to her room. I expect to see her properly again when she enters her 20s.

But seriously, I found common ground with my SC over meal times when they will attend the table to fill their boots. I’m a good cook, so I learned their favourites and nailed them. But also, whether you can cook or not, SC respond very well to the occasional Maccies for dinner
You can get a few words out of them then. Tell them stories about when you were a kid. Ask what they did with their day and nod along with enthusiasm when they say “nothing”… then don’t probe any deeper.

Never take it to heart when they don’t talk to you for days. They’re just doing their thing and they’re grateful that you aren’t interfering. My friend has SC that yell and swear at her. I’ve seen it. If mine are just existing around me, feeling peaceful and happy, that’s enough.

And, above all else, have a thing you can do if it’s all getting too much. Mine involves taking a gin and tonic into my en suite for a while. I text the DH for refills.

Hmmm. In hindsight this sounds a bit like I hide on the toilet and drink to forget.

… I have a bath!

You sound lovely OP. Your stepson is lucky to have you.

So helpful to know that. I'm sorry for your loss too x

Thank you 😊

Haha thank you - very useful insights and advice 🍸

Totally - have always loaded him up with carrots cucumbers and apples as favourite snacks... which makes him sound like a donkey. And baked beans and rice (slightly weirdly!?). Its almist too easy The way I feel though, its like I'm in a nightmare - so I think that is my stress. He's not doing drugs, is dead against smoking and alcohol! Goes to bed at 11!! Doesn't shout at us!! So it's probably me needing to do a bit of stress relief x