They hate me

[honeygriff]

Hi, this is my first post! I've got 3 adult DSS. Absolutely adore the youngest. We've been close since the first as I was engaged when both parents were not. The middle has autism without diagnosis but I've battled to get him on a career path. I succeeded and he's doing well but despite our initial strong bond for the first 4 years (lived with me 100% of the time & she took all benefits for 3 years) he's now withdrawn and is very hostile towards me. The eldest has never liked me but uses me as a resource whenever he can. The eldest and I recently rowed and he actually said that I should be personally financially responsible for his mother (she got a clean break final payment). I'm just so fed up of the eldest two. I'm not the OW & resent being treated like shit. Their mother has lived a far more interesting life than me & has consistently chucked them out for various nights and they are only allowed back at an agreed time the following day. This was disguised as access at younger ages but now they are all in their 20's that's a harder gig to pull. I'm so cross that this weekend they are being kicked out and are staying with "mates". They do all pay a significant amount of keep. They are not happy nor have ever been about the arrangements. They are refusing to do an activity with their Dad because they have no access to shower facilities at their mates house, DP obviously offered ours but was declined. They literally hate me so much they won't even shower at ours. I feel quite aggrieved that I'm the bad guy and feel angry with all concerned including DP.

DP can just go and meet with them outside your house at a pub or something? Just have nothing to do with them now they are rude adults.

My husbands kids hate me. I refuse to call them step children. I tried incredibly hard for the first 3-4 years of being with their father and it was rebutted and scorned on every level. I was not the OW either but treated like one by their mother and them. I don’t know what poison their mother dripped into their impressionable minds but think it was quite a lot.
I disengaged first and later completely cut them out of my life. It was the best thing I ever did for both my own MH and my relationship with their father.
They are young adults (youngest not quite).

My advice would be to block them from your life and mind it is the only truth and peace you’ll ever get.

I have to ask-has their father ever challenged them on their attitude and behavior towards you? I'd have told them to drop dead or fuck off had they said that shit to me.

@honeygriff why on earth are you putting up with this sh*t? And why is your dh condoning this behaviour? - he condones it by not challenging it!
In your shoes I would disengage from them complete (as a pp did) & leave them meet their dad wherever.

OP , your partner can insist that they are polite to you when you are in their company. However, he cannot insist or force them to like you.

You meet these young men when they were of the age where they were long past the age where teenagers rely on mom or dad to tell them who must like or dislike. Teenagers generally make the decisions about liking and disliking bases upon their Interactions and observations with the individuals that they encounter.

Clearly, at this stage your encounters are mutually unpleasant for whatever reasons. It is not your partner's fault that the encounters are unpleasant. There is little that he can do other than insist that you all be civil on those occasions that you are forced/required to be in each other's company.

An obvious solution is for him to see his sons outside of your home and without you being present. This arrangement will take nothing away from you or his sons other than unpleasant encounters.

You are a partner but at their ages they do not need a step parent of any sort. Your relationship with your partner is not predicated upon a need to be a step mother or to have any relationship with his sons. The one thing that you can ,insist upon is that you all be civil in your limited encounters. Your partner should manage his relationship with his sons without your involvement . if they do not want to enter your home that is their choice and should not bother you. Let them arrange their meetings in another location.

You can live a perfectly satisfying life that is apart and separate from your partner's relationship with his sons.

Thank you all for your replies! I have withdrawn from the older two as I've done all the parenting they needed and there's nothing left now. My DP has never had any relationship with his Dad and doesn't want to be estranged from his DS's so he's not always argued back. I do feel slightly aggrieved by this but he is a very good Dad and I'm grateful for that as it also makes him a really good stepdad. In fact he has often taken a very maternal role with his DS's as DP's ex was often disengaged. I will always be a Step mum to the youngest as we have a close bond, I do see him most days and he does need my continued support. I've pushed DP to do activities outside our home with them. They are all off to golf tomorrow. I'm going to hit all the torturous over trying BBQ's, Roasts ect that I've done to blend us. It hasn't worked! I think I just feel a bit rejected right now but I'm sure the feeling will pass. I'm just going to focus on what works and let go of what doesn't.

OP, good for you. It is a wise woman who can accept that which works and let go of the rest. I suspect that as you .let go and step back and give them time to mature as adults, you will see them becoming more accepting and less judgemental. Sometimes, young people need some independent life experiences of their own to season them as adults.

Give your partner the freedom to be a parent to them without feeling that he is some how failing in some aspect of your relationship. He should be able to compartmentalize his life well enough to be there vote you and there for his sons without conflict in either relationship.

My adult step children (27 and 25) also hate me although they’ve refused to meet me so I’m not sure what they are basing it on
It doesn’t bother me, I don’t need them in my life particularly and I support DH behind the scenes in parenting them (help him choose gifts etc).
They seem to feel it’s a matter of loyalty to their mum which is fine by me.
It has limited their engagement with wider family though as eg SILs have told them if they can’t be civil not to come to events so they’ve stayed away from most things in past 3-4 years. Their choice!

@Gensola
Not wanting bc a relationship with someone is not the same as hating them. Adults decide for a multitude of reasons that they may or may not want to have a relationship with someone and rarely does it rise to the level of hating that person. The inability to be civil in someone's presence is a totally different issue. Your partner's children need to maintain a level of civility in your presence under all circumstances. They do not have to like you; nor do they have to think of you as a member of their extended family. Common courtesy however demands that all adults exercise basic levels of politeness and civility in their interactions.

If they think that they are unable to be civil in your company, they have made a wise choice in staying away .

I think I just feel a bit rejected right now but I'm sure the feeling will pass. I'm just going to focus on what works and let go of what doesn't.
@honeygriff I totally get this but I think it's important to remember that while it feels personal it's not actually you they object to - it's your position in their dad's life. They'd no doubt be the same no matter who their sm was. And - if 'children' of this age cannot or will not see the wider dynamics at play in a situation (their dm's behaviour for eg) for what they are then they are either very immature (less likely) or just being deliberately obtuse & rude because it suits them to play power games (more likely).
I don't want to sound overly dramatic but I think theirs is also an age where after a spell in the adult world & the realisation that Living actually requires money a lot of dc start thinking about inheritance & sdc in particular start to resent what they feel a stepparent may 'rob' them of. I'm generalising here but I hear a lot of stories along these lines involving adult sdc.
You're doing the right thing in stepping back & your youngest sdc is lucky to have you .

@honeygriff absolutely you are doing the right thing by stepping back. As others have said, it is not you personally, they would be like this with any woman regardless. To give you an explanation of how I know this, I have been in my SS's life since he was 6 years old (His Mum passed away when he was 3). SS is now nearly 14 so for the past 7 years I have tried and tried and tried. I've done everything a Mum would do if not more always with respect to the memory of his Mum. It hasn't worked, for the simple reason SS wants his Dad all to himself. (understandable). He resents my presence, my efforts and certainly dislikes me. So I disengaged. If SS is up until gone midnight even though he has school, or he demands another meal at 9pm or fills himself with sweets every night or is on the playstation for 12 hours then I shrug. It certainly doesn't mean I don't care, I do, very much, but it just means that I have come to the realisation that I cannot do anything about it. And that, honeygriff, lifted a huge weight of my shoulders. I simply refuse to be in a teenagers firing line for any perceived slight against me that he thinks he may have. I am not his parent and nor does he want me to be. I now only intervene if his attitude directly affects me. If Disney Dad isn't willing to parent I am not going to pick up the slack. My only concern is that he is safe, warm and has a home cooked meal two or three times a week. Honestly life is so much simpler. For example I don't go on holidays with them as I phrase it as Father/Son time. In reality I don't go because although I can handle being ignored by SS for a couple of hours before I go to bed I can't handle it 24/7 for a week. I would get angry at the lack of respect and that would ruin everyone's holiday. DP gets annoyed that I can 'never get time off to go' but he hasn't connected the dots yet in as much as if DP did something about the rudeness and asked SS to be at the very least civil then DP's life would be easier, the costs would be halved and all of us would have a good time together, but he won't.
DP is more concerned with being SS's BFF than his parent. It is much easier for him to hide his head in the sand than it is to do something about it. The one thing I have always said and this may apply to you is that children will always only do what they are allowed to do. I realise that yours are not children anymore but I can guarantee they have gotten away with a lot over the years. I am so glad that you have a close bond with the youngest, I would love that.