SD and pregnancy

[candlelightsatdawn]

Hi all

So I need a little advice - I posted about my pregnancy and telling kids (both SD 12 and DD 3) a little while back and got some great advice.

Sadly we are in a bit of catch 22 situation. I'm currently showing but hiding pregnancy as best I can, since tests have come back there maybe serious issues with the baby. We are awaiting results from CVS and it's been basically hell on wheels with the wait, we won't get all clear until 20 weeks scan anyway. DSD mum is aware and her mums been just fab. We will probably have to go for further tests so the end isn't in sight.

My SD isn't neotypical- she's been asking questions re my growing belly, and so far I have been dodging them. Problem is mum has agreed that we best not tell DSD about the pregnancy as it's on a knifes edge on which way this will go. We know she will be upset if it goes wrong and she's at a age where it's a emotional time already. New school etc but SD keeps indirectly asking and I feel hideous for not being transparent .

Like at least 10x a day when we have her, mum hasn't said anything due to last time SD getting v upset when things went wrong. I'm trying to be respectful but honestly these questions are killing me alive. She's pretty pointed and last time asked some fairly graphic questions and I'm a bit of a wreck and not sure if I can handle those questions again 😭.

This girl trusts me, and I feel like I'm violating that trust by not being honest.

I'm pretty sure mum will back me if I said hey look I think we should tell her she knows somethings up but I also don't know if that's the right thing to do. We do a shared hobby that I can't participate in at the moment and she's getting fairly grumpy I'm not partaking, (I still take her it's just I can't do it).

I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Mums step mums and all that's in between. Help.

I wanna start by saying I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't have DSC but I do have 2 DC.

If it was me, I'd sit her down and tell her, in a way that is suitable for her age and level of understanding, that you are a little bit poorly at the moment, nothing too serious, but that's why your tummy looks funny and that you can't join in your joint hobby. You're setting doctors and they're helping you lots to get better.

I hope you get some (positive) answers soon!

@Mommabear20 thank you !! If she was my DD I would be the same tbh. She's still part of our family but as step mum I'm trying to be respectful of her mums wishes and to be fair she would respect mine if I said no we have to tell her.

DH is a giant mess so he doesn't know what to say.

I suppose part of it is protecting myself from the questions. She means well and there's no ill intent behind them but they are pretty invasive and I'm just at the cliffs edge thinking I will break if I have to answer questions on logistics again and I don't want to get upset and then in turn she gets upset.

Gah 😖

Use this as an opportunity to educate your SD. She needs to be taught (gently) that it isn’t acceptable/ appropriate to ask questions that are medically invasive. Equally, you have every right to privacy about your body and owe no one an explanation - including your SD.

So as opposed to seeing this as a breaking of transparency, use it as a way to show her that people have a right to boundaries when it comes to person/ medical matters and as she gets older she needs to respect that.

I agree with @sassbott. It's an important lesson to learn that you have no right to know other people's health information and it's rude to keep asking. Maybe her dad needs to have a word?

And I'm so sorry you're in this difficult position OP.

@sassbott

Use this as an opportunity to educate your SD. She needs to be taught (gently) that it isn’t acceptable/ appropriate to ask questions that are medically invasive. Equally, you have every right to privacy about your body and owe no one an explanation - including your SD.

So as opposed to seeing this as a breaking of transparency, use it as a way to show her that people have a right to boundaries when it comes to person/ medical matters and as she gets older she needs to respect that.

This is a very good post.

And even if you don't want to tell her what is going on you could gently explain that it's not polite to keep asking questions about such things if told not to.

Does she have ASD?