What to do when they don't want to come

[CoconutGal]

Ex has told us the kids don't want to come round anymore. They're 4 & 7. OH isn't showing how he's dealing with it, he's kind of burying it. I'm actually quite upset. My DD is only 8 & when she doesn't want to go to her dads I always make sure I find out why, I'll then contact her dad & speak with him with DD to come to a compromise. That compromise might be just going out for the day instead of overnight. But it's so much better than nothing.

Ex has told us that she won't force the children. Which I understand. But I can't shake the worry about why they feel like this.

Op, any advice i might have had, ; you've already suggested you do.

Has your dp asked his ex why? Do you have any suspicions what is causing it?

Is contact court ordered? They’re far too young to make such a decision themselves.

Actually his ex would be expected to facilitate contact by a judge... And can be at risk of losing her dc if she doesn't.. Maybe a solicitor needs to advise her this.

Has your boyfriend been to court for contact? Are you pregnant?

Thank you for your replies.

There's no court involvement & I'm not pregnant. We don't know why, ex was actually asking us why they don't want to come here. They are so young.

I think that I would be more concerned about being with a man who is demonstrating no concern over the fact that his very young children are expressing a desire not to spend time with him. Perhaps unlike you and the mom, he may know why they do not wish to spend time with him.

Perhaps, they even at a young age they are as indifferent to his presence as he seems to be about their presence. Maybe these apples just fell close to the tree

IME court does not allow children so young to dictate terms (unless there is are significant specific circumstances).
Imagine if this continued and when the four year old is 21 and asks their dad why they hardly ever saw him. And your DP has to explain that he allowed a 4 year old to decide that!
It could well be some minor FOMO issue that, as you say, can be resolved with some replanning.

If the children aren’t expressing why, it may just be that they would rather stay at mums.

He should tell them that they need to come, I’m sure once they arrive they will be fine. If there is nothing either you nor mum know for a valid reason it may be that there isn’t one, but allowing them to dictate so young will set a precedent. Obviously if they are able to say and there is a valid reason fine, but it doesn’t sound like it.

Does he pick them up? Could he try taking them out for a meal or something? Has it been a while since they've stayed it might just be a case of getting back into it?

Op, it's hard but if you're partner is burying his head in the sand and won't deal with it then you should just let it be. If isn't doing anything to sort it then you should not be posting on forums looking for a solution.

As step parent you shouldn't care more than than the parents do. It's the road to madness.

As step parent you shouldn't care more than than the parents do. It's the road to madness. very good point. It's great that you care but you might need to detach yourself a bit if the kids own parents don't care.

Hmmm the kids are far too young to understand whether or not they want to see Dad. Your partner needs to push mediation or make a court application. This isn't right.

At 4 and 7 they don't know what they want. My DSC used to cry about leaving their mums and then cry when leaving their dads. Change is hard for them. The ex would pander to them, but my DH wouldn't give them the choice and would just go and collect them, telling them about all the fun things we were going to do together. Once a routine was established thungs got at better

My DSC sometime say the don't want to come to our house, or go back to their mums. These desires are usually fuelled by FOMO or such. After a bit of gentle persuasion eg 'we can do ???? Instead!' They usually get over it. These children are wayyyyyy to young to decide that for themselves.