DS sleeping arrangements at his Dad's

rossandrachel · 2021-09-18T07:45:00+00:00

My DS7 shares a room with his 9 year old step sister at his Dad's house. He doesn't like her much, he says she's mean to him, has physically hurt him on the odd occasion (I've seen the marks) and she never gets told off. He started saying on the odd occasion that he doesn't want to go to his Dad's if she is there that day. He's now saying this every single time he is due to go to his Dad's. I don't have a good relationship with my ex so am unable to talk to him about it (anything at all, actually) and the times the step sister has hurt him I've had a chat with her mum (my ex's partner), and she has just brushed it off. Am I just going to have to say to my son that he's going to have to accept that she is his step sister and I will not be agreeing that he can stay at home? I always try and encourage the relationship with his Dad but he just looks so sad about the thought of going if he knows she will be there.

brittleheadgirl · 18/09/2021 08:50

That doesn't sound great for your ds and a tricky situation for you!
My own dc are now teenagers & adults and stopped going to their Dads as soon as they were old enough to say so!

Sleeping arrangements were always an issue for them, their step siblings had their own rooms, while they were expected to sleep on the living room floor, sometimes with only bedding and no air bed or mattress
I actually bitterly regret not standing up for them more, I was trying so hard to 'keep the peace' and always so worried about the impact on them if I attempted to stop contact with their dad.

Can you talk to your ex? I appreciate it's not always easy!

brittleheadgirl · 18/09/2021 08:51

Sorry have just seen what you wrote about talking to your ex!
Could you email him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2021 08:54

If he was hurt badly enough to leave marks and neither of them is willing to discuss it with you I wouldn’t be rushing to send him back at all. How difficult for both of you. At 7 I’d usually say his relationship with his dad was hugely important but not enough to send him somewhere he’s being bullied. If his dad complains about him not wanting to go he’ll have to decide to talk to you about it properly.

How long has your ex been with his partner/wife?

Original poster

rossandrachel · 18/09/2021 09:00

@brittleheadgirl We don't actually have any contact at all really, via any means.

@AnneLovesGilbert He's been with his partner for around 4 years. They've had 2 DC together.

OP posts:

sofakingcool · 18/09/2021 09:07

@AnneLovesGilbert

If he was hurt badly enough to leave marks and neither of them is willing to discuss it with you I wouldn’t be rushing to send him back at all. How difficult for both of you. At 7 I’d usually say his relationship with his dad was hugely important but not enough to send him somewhere he’s being bullied. If his dad complains about him not wanting to go he’ll have to decide to talk to you about it properly.

How long has your ex been with his partner/wife?

I agree with Anne.

I was in a very similar position when DS was little - he would come home very distressed and hurt after incidences with his step brother. I tried to speak to his Dad, who'd have none of it - it didn't happen, they were never left alone etc. I knew they weren't constantly supervised but still ex wasn't having any of it. He refused to discuss it.
I stopped encouraging DS to go. He needed to know I believed him and stood by him until I knew exactly what was going on.
Ex eventually admitted he didn't really know for sure that his step son wasn't bullying DS, it took a long time for that to happen though, in the meantime he barely saw him.

GoodnightGrandma · 18/09/2021 09:10

Please don’t make him go.
I had an evil step-mum but didn’t tell anyone what she did, as I wouldn’t have seen my dad then.
Let him stay home and maybe dad can take him out for the afternoon/day instead.

Youseethethingis · 18/09/2021 09:11

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert
I'd not be sending my child somewhere he was being bullied to keep anyone happy, father or not. It either gets dealt with or he doesn't go.
A relationship with Dad is important but not as important as knowing his primary parent absolutely has his back, IMHO.
His dad will have to make other arrangements to see his son if he won't protect him in his home.
I'd be prepared to be as bloody minded and difficult as necessary over this to be honest.

lunar1 · 18/09/2021 09:20

If he's getting hurt badly enough to get marks I wouldn't let him go!

Is this happening at night in the room? How would he feel about just daytime visits?

Peanutsandchilli · 18/09/2021 09:42

So this girl doesn't actually belong to your ex partner and the children are not related to each other?

If so, I think you need to have another word with the girl's mum, and tell her they need to work out some more appropriate sleeping arrangements.

You and your ex partner also need to grow up and co-parent your child effectively. You can't do that if you're not talking to each other. You're both adults. The only one suffering is your son so you need to try and be civil for his sake. You don't have to like your ex, but you chose to have a child with him and now you need to deal with the consequences.

Original poster

rossandrachel · 18/09/2021 09:43

@lunar1 It's happened both in the room and also in front of his Dad from what DS tells me. My ex won't allow day time only visits, I asked a while back.

@Peanutsandchilli Did it occur to you that maybe I don't have any contact with my ex because he was abusive? Thank you for telling me to grow up though.

OP posts:

MojoJojo71 · 18/09/2021 09:49

I wouldn’t send my DS somewhere he didn’t feel safe, he’s asking you to protect him. Is the contact court ordered? If not I wouldn’t send him and if it is I’d be taking pictures of the marks and taking legal advice. Your abusive XP is now allowing your DS to be abused in his home, you need to put a stop to it.

respecttheforum · 18/09/2021 09:49

If he is telling you he is being hurt and he wants it to stop then you need to act on that.

I'm sorry if I missed this but is there a court order for contact? If so then you would need to go back to court to vary this.

If not, then the ball is in his court to act if you stopped contact or at least stopped overnight stays.

lunar1 · 18/09/2021 09:53

Have you got pictures of the injuries? I really wouldn't send him.

Arabelladrinkstea · 18/09/2021 09:54

You can’t make your son go?!!

If their sexes were the other way around would you allow it? Of course not! So please don’t allow it this way round.
Imagine if you were being sent somewhere to be teased, hurt, put down, whatever else she is doing and those you most loved did nothing and sent you anyway?

No way! Sorry but dad would have to take me to court if need be, I’d protect my child first and foremost and until dad proves he is and son is happy, he wouldn’t be going anywhere he does t want to!

Peanutsandchilli · 18/09/2021 09:57

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MadeForThis · 18/09/2021 09:58

I wouldn't send him into that situation.

Original poster

rossandrachel · 18/09/2021 09:59

@MojoJojo71 @respecttheforum No it's not court ordered.

@lunar1 The physically hurting DS has happened 2 or 3 times and I have photos of one of the occasions.

OP posts:

Goldbar · 18/09/2021 10:06

Unless there's a court order in place, stop sending your DS until his dad sorts it out. Contact is for the child not the father and it's clearly not in his best interests if his father is allowing him to be bullied.

respecttheforum · 18/09/2021 10:12

[quote rossandrachel]**@MojoJojo71* @respecttheforum* No it's not court ordered.

@lunar1 The physically hurting DS has happened 2 or 3 times and I have photos of one of the occasions. [/quote]
That's good.
So what does he want to happen? Does he know.
I think if you do decide to restrict or stop contact then you need to put something in writing to clearly state why and spell out that you've tried to address it but nothing has been done.

Do you have an email address you could send something to? You could even see if you could get some legal advice on what to say.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2021 11:00

Not court ordered then definitely stop sending him. If they’re suitably concerned about it they’ll get in touch and you can explain you’re not sending him anywhere where he gets bullied or injured then expected to share a room with the person doing it. Your poor little boy, 7 is so young and at no age should someone be getting injured with impunity.

WoozySnoozy · 18/09/2021 13:25

You can't send him somewhere he is being physically injured if you don't have to.

Elieza · 18/09/2021 13:57

Could you get advice from nspcc?

My gut reaction would be to calmly tell your ex that his son doesn’t want to stay any more due to being hurt by his step sister. That you’ve raised the issue with the girls mother and shown her the photos but it’s not been addressed and until such times as something is done you will not be allowing your son to be hurt in this way any more.

So he can see his son away from the stepsister or he can sort the sleeping arrangements at home or only see him when the ssis is away elsewhere overnight, but you’re not allowing your child to be hurt any more.

Tattler2 · 18/09/2021 13:59

If there is no Court Order in place, why are you agreeing to overnight visitation if your child is being beaten by a member of the household. You won't speak with your ex because he was abusive towards you ; having removed yourself from abuse, why would you electively choose to send your child into an environment where he is being abused?

Utilize whatever method of communication that was employed to come up with the current time arrangement to address the treatment that your child is currently experiencing. Certainly , you must have communicated in some manner to come up with this visitation schedule.

MeridianB · 18/09/2021 19:51

@Elieza

Could you get advice from nspcc?

My gut reaction would be to calmly tell your ex that his son doesn’t want to stay any more due to being hurt by his step sister. That you’ve raised the issue with the girls mother and shown her the photos but it’s not been addressed and until such times as something is done you will not be allowing your son to be hurt in this way any more.

So he can see his son away from the stepsister or he can sort the sleeping arrangements at home or only see him when the ssis is away elsewhere overnight, but you’re not allowing your child to be hurt any more.

This. Your poor boy. How much quality or 1:1 time is he getting wit his dad when he’s there?

Ketakones · 19/09/2021 02:42

This must be a very difficult situation for you to experience, especially if you have suffered abuse from this man as well. It's all well and good to advise you to just tell him your son isn't going anymore - but to actually have to do it is really hard!

I think annelovesgilbert has given some sound and sensible advice and hopefully a practical way forward. I hope you are able to resolve this for your son.