SC been caught out

[loluandlale]

I have 2 SC age 9 & 7, they're fab kids absolutely love them, my partner shares custody 50/50 and it works really well.

Recently I found out that mum had an issue with me because I had apparently told the SC to keep secrets from her (which I hadn't by the way). What had happened was 7 came to see me to say she didn't feel safe with mums partner, I asked if she wanted me to tell mum and she said no she would do it in her own time. 9 found out and was going to tell mum 7 was hysterical, I spoke to 9 and basically said it's 7s feelings it's for 7 to tell mum and explained everyone's allowed to feel XYZ just like he did when he had feelings a while ago and all us adults helped him.

All was well until they let slip that mum wasn't happy I was 'making them keep secrets' I spoke to mum and explained everything to clear the air, she understood but showed me a video she did secretly of them hysterically crying out of nowhere saying that I was making them keep secrets. I was fuming that they'd taken something and turned it into something else making me look awful and really upsetting mum.
Me and mum talked and came to the conclusion that the SC were basically saying one thing to her and one to us that were complete opposites about near enough everything.
We were supposed to all sit down and discuss it with the SC but that never happened.

Fast forward to today when 7 called me out for telling mum about not feeling safe when I said I wouldn't, I basically had to tell her what happened with mum and the video and 7 tried to say she never said I was making her keep secrets even though it's clear in the video.

I don't know what to say to mum... I didn't want to tell 7 about any of it because we all hadn't sat down and had a chat (because mum literally picked them up and walked off) but I was put into a position where I had to tell her why.

I want to tell mum what's happened today but I don't know what to say... any advice at all?

As a mum just be honest and say look I don't know where this is coming from but this is what's been said today. Reiterate that you value and respect her and that kids will do this type of thing and anything she is concerned involving you about just ask, and you will do the same.

We had this with my SD, mum and dad being played off against each other and the only way you can fight it is to up communication. Kids play on the fact they think you won't talk to each other. My SD face was a picture and she actually said she preferred it "when mum and dad didn't talk as she doesn't get her way anymore and has to go homework"

Nothing malicious in it, just a child's approach to a child's problem. Keep talking !

Well done for you and mum having a relationship where you can actually talk.

Now they have been caught out - keep talking and see if things improve. They now know you talk to each other.

Someone is going to come on in a minute and say your DP should be dealing with this. Personally I think two adults talking to each other over this is the way forward. A round the table discussion with all parties including their DF will make them realise everyone is talking to everyone else and this is not acceptable.

Thank you for your replies.

To be honest my DP didn't get the chance to step in, he popped his head in and I very politely told him to pee off 😂 only because I didn't want mum to feel 'ganged up on' I'd caught the poor woman off guard but I needed to clear the air with her and her problem was ultimately with me!

I am desperate for us all to sit down with the kids, it's the second time she's agreed to one but it's never happened which makes me quite sad because it clearly needs addressing which she agreed to.

I'm just not sure what to say to her tonight, I didn't want the kids to know about what was said before sitting down with them but it just happened because I was put on the spot.

Agee with @bogoffmda here.

So can you text her and say can we arrange a date and time to sit down and chat ?

You think that actually your approach was right, two against one isn't a Brillant approach as most people would feel ganged up against in that circumstance ! Xxx

Op I would avoid being alone with the SC for the time being.

Why should she - both mum and she have acknowledged the kids are lying - calling their bluff is now the way forward

So dad saw mum today at one of the kids activities and let her know, she's fine that I had to tell the SC and sounds like she's completely on side 😊

I think I was just worrying because I'm fed up of all the lies back and forth and I get so worried they're going to say something one day that's going to really change the dynamics.

I think that a 7 year old stating that she feels unsafe around an adult is perhaps not the mast appropriate issue about which one should say that is your issue to tell your mom in your own time.

The 9 year old is probably learning in school about safe touches, responses to weird feelings etc, and how to respond appropriately. This may have alerted the 9 year old to think that these feelings may have fallen into the category of things that should be told to parents immediately.

I think the content of the 7 year old's statement should have been the driver of the process and not necessarily some standard protocol about individual rights to disclosure.

These kids are very young and what was a potentially alarming disclosure is being overlooked and instead ficus is being placed on process rather than content.

There is probably not any real need for a formal sit down between the adults as long as the informal lines of communication remain open.

That's just how is started, mums response was 'wtf' according to her, 7 throws a tantrum when her partner can't look after them and 7 is always with partner constantly making cakes, riding their bikes ect...

From mums point of view 7 got hysterical because they knew they had told a fib and it wasn't a little fib.

Even when I spoke to 7 last night and told 7 I'd seen a video of them saying I was making them keep secrets, 7 sat crying saying they didn't say it.

I know what you're saying, it was a really tough thing because I know mums partner and there's nothing to suspect he's done anything to make her feel not safe.
But part of me is glad the way it went down because it showed mum what I knew has been happening for a long time. There was no way in hell I could get mum to see that her kids were trying to manipulate all the adults (manipulate is strong I just can't think of the right word) and understandably so! Who wants to think their kids are capable of it?!

@bogoffmda

Why should she - both mum and she have acknowledged the kids are lying - calling their bluff is now the way forward

Because lies can escalate and the mum might not always be so quick to disbelieve her children in the future. I wouldn't feel safe being alone with a child who lied about me. If the op feels it's ok in this situation it is of course up to her.

Dont keep secrets for 7 year olds.

Dont persuade 9 year olds to keep secrets for 7 year olds.

You are the scapegoat here

Do not spend time with the children alone. You will ALWAYS be public enemy number one regardless of how much you do for the children. They will manipulate the situation and tell their mother a whole heap of untruths.
Believe me I’ve been there and despite my husband’s children being adult and almost adult they still try their best to manipulate situations and cause difficulties. They’re unable to succeed now as I very rarely have to see them due to different living arrangements. I’m far happier.
Don’t treat them like your own, they never will be and it will never be reciprocated.