Dealing with difficult ex

[Cancowswim]

Bear with me - this may be long!

Partner’s ex does not want him to see their children. She does everything she can to undermine their relationship.
In 2019 she stopped contact completely and it took a year to get it reinstated. Cafcass report was damning - the children supported everything my partner said, even though we hadn’t seen them for a year and told the SW that mum badmouthed us and made them feel bad for wanting to spend time with their dad.
Order was made.
Everything running smoothly (ish) until the summer holidays - we had our first holiday together as a family in the 7 years we’ve been together and had an absolutely fantastic time. Mum is not pleased.
Since then she has been very difficult and rude.
We can deal with that but what has happened now is that she has written a letter through her solicitor saying that contact with the eldest child is terminated as she doesn’t want to see her dad any more (she is 9).

This is news to us as we have had nothing but nice time spent together and I would consider us all as having a good relationship with her - she also gets on brilliantly with my children, they are like siblings.

Mum has said my partner is badmouthing her (not true - we don’t even speak about her) and that she is hugely anxious due to seeing her dad (again - not true, she is anxious of conflict between her parents) and that her dad emotionally abused her and upsets her when he tries to discuss some of the things she does, including normal children’s behaviours eg lying, misbehaving etc
Again, there has been no mention of any issues until the ‘termination of contact’ letter as mum refuses to discuss anything unless it benefits her.
According to her ex partner she waits for the girls to come home, interrogates them and then writes things down in a diary that she thinks she can use later to stop contact.

Eldest daughter is a people pleaser and historically has told her mum things to keep her happy that are simply untrue (for example, aged 7 told her mum that I had been giving her glasses of wine!).
She also has a habit of exaggerating things that have happened to get sympathy.
Don’t get me wrong, she is a nice kid but she has some complex behaviours as a result of the conflict between her parents.

My partner is now caught in a very difficult place as if she does come back round again, he has basically been told via the solicitor letter that he isn’t allowed to parent her.

He isn’t allowed to speak to her about her feelings, ask her about what has happened or discuss some of the things she has said which aren’t true, he isn’t allowed to ask her about what she’s been doing while with her mum’s (they are there most of the time) and isn’t allowed to tell her off.
He is basically being expected to parent her in a completely different way from the other 4 children in our household (including her sister) and is fearful of not doing so in case contact is stopped again.

Can anyone on here make some suggestions of what to do? Who to speak to? It feels as though he either needs some support to speak to his child about things with a professional there or even needs supervised sessions with her so he can’t be accused of doing or saying anything wrong.
Should we speak to social services? Should we make a referral for family therapy? Should we involve the school?

We are also at a loss with what to do about mum.
She will do anything, even to the detriment of her own children’s well-being, to try and prevent them having a relationship with their dad and this is really damaging both of them, particularly the eldest child, but she is very plausible and uses the ‘I’m just thinking of my children’ argument for everything.

Any advice appreciated.

He needs his own solicitor. Immediately.

People who are better informed that I am will be along short,y with more advice.

But I want to point out that a letter from a solicitor is pretty much meaningless. It is just words sent by someone with the appearance of authority on the instructions of their client, the person who is paying them.

I can have my solicitor send you a letter telling you not to drink tea ever again. That would carry the same legal weight.

You have a court order. Go to court to enforce it.

The solicitor doesn't have authority. They write what they are paid to write!

I would be interested to see what the judge said about that solicitor's letter!

Solicitors letter means sweet FA. This is what your partner needs to do

1. Reply to the solicitors letter stating that he does not agree with the contents and allegations.
2. state that the existing CO is in place, it cannot be unilaterally set aside and he expects contact to continue per the court order as it is the children’s best interests.
3. That if contact does not progress on the next date contact is due to take place, he will take the following steps:

• engage the school and alert them to the fact that the CO (they are entitled to a copy of it) is being breeched, and that unfortunately he is going to need to make an application to the court to enforce. He is informing rhe school so they are aware. (He should also in tandem make an appt with the school and discuss what’s happening and whether the school have any concerns).
• make an application to the family court that the existing CO is being breeched.
• potentially inform cafcass (although this depends if they’re in anyway still on the case).

He needs to move fast. Put in writing that he does not agree to the contents. And apply. The court if she does not make the child available for contact.

And no he doesn’t need his own solicitor. Those costs can rack up very quickly. He uses neutral/ minimal language. And can respond in person. He can also make the court application in person.

At no point should there be conversations with her. All interactions should be in writing. He at no point accuses the mother of anything.
He sticks with language that enforces what is in the best interests of the children (structure, routine etc) and that the CO needs to be adhered to.

If this gets as far as a judge, they will be looking to see that he (in no way) is amplifying the conflict. If she has stopped contact. The onus will be on her to provide evidence that supports such a big step.
If she has concerns as to the welfare of the children, she needs to raise them officially.

She will either back down very quickly and this will not see the inside of the court.
Or she’s ready to go to war.

Agree with PP that a solicitors letter means bugger all. My exh used to love threatening me with a letter from his solicitor for silly things like I'd forgotten to mention to him that DC had been to the dentist (or other such nonsense) and the letter would say I was not to 'withhold' information ever again or blah blah blah. The letter means nothing. You have a court order which trumps everything unless your DSD really doesn't want to see her dad, in which case you have bigger problems to sort out than worrying about a letter.

A solicitors letter isn’t a legal document like a court order is. They basically write what their client wants them to write.

I’d ignore the witch. The courts will see right through her attempts to contaminate his life with the children through that letter, they will. He has parental rights and he can parent his children whatever way he likes.

Keep all letters and messages. Neither ex or her legal team can uninforce a court order...
Continue with collecting the dc. Continue parenting the dc as their df sees fit - as is his right in his time.
Solicitors will wrote anything... My ex had a letter sent to me demanding I remove my new blinds as ex could no longer see in my windows!!
They stayed up.
And shut at drop off /collection times...

Honestly nothing more than a scare tactic.

Enforcement action. Your partner needs his own Solicitor and needs to apply for enforcement action as she's breaching the Court order by stopping contact.
Social Services won't touch anything like this as it won't meet the threshold.
Perhaps your partner should speak to the School and inform them what is happening. How much does he actually do?
The mother sounds jealous, is she single?

Thanks for all your messages.
We replied yesterday to the solicitor saying we don’t agree with contact not happening and he is prepared to work with mum to make sure DD is happy.
We did mention that she had already breached the order several times herself due to not making the children available for contact on several occasions and that any attempts to communicate with her via the court ordered talking parent app (that she asked to have ordered) had been ignored.

I think our main concern is that we feel mum is making eldest DD not want to come to ours and that if it goes back to court she will say something to that effect. We know she has a great time here and I know she loves her dad but the effect her mum has her is difficult to convey or do anything about.
Is it worth involving SS? Asking them for advice? Or am I being naive here?

Mum has a partner who she has a toddler with.
It’s not all roses though as at the beginning of the year she took a non molestation and occupation order out against him weeks after they’d purchased a house together (she doesn’t work) saying he was abusive.
Despite this, they are now back together and now she’s stopped gunning for him she has turned her attention back to my partner.

As mentioned above, SS won't touch this.
SS are there for children at risk of neglect/abuse/in imminent danger and need to go into care.
This would not meet the threshold.

Can I ask what your partner does? I know you probably posted this on mumsnet as he doesn't have an account, but do him and his children have 1:1 time also as well as family time as a whole?
It shouldn't be this way, but could he appease the mother by saying he will just have 1:1 time with his children for the short-term, just to re-establish contact and his relationship with them?

The solicitor just puts in to writing the other parents views. This is not something your partner has to follow. That's the courts job. Get back there immediately (him obviously not you)

Pebbledashery - we do some things together and separately - usually on a Saturday we do things on our own and then on Sunday we do something as a family.
For example, last weekend he took his kids to clubs while I took mine out for the day to a museum and on the Sunday we all went for a walk.
Mum used to have an issue with me and my kids but that seems to have taken a backseat now and she is going all guns blazing for my partner.

I’m not sure my partner can cope with the stress of all this again - I know I’m biased but he is a good dad and he loves his kids.
I think it’s been a bit of a kick in the teeth knowing that his DD has told her mum things that are either embellished or completely untrue and possibly said she doesn’t want to see him. It also means he’s scared to say anything to her now.

Sorry to say this, but your partner needs to man up and get the matter back in Court. It is soul destroying, but clearly there is no talking to this woman.
HE needs to get a solicitor and be the driving force behind it, it seems like you're trying to mediate issues between parties.

I'm wondering if the eldest DD has ever had counselling? It may help her as it seems like she's saying one thing to one parent, and something else to the other. The Mum seems to be jumping all over this trying to stop contact whereas what she should be doing to trying to understand WHY her DD feels that way when she appears to be enjoying her time at Dads. A neutral party, like a counsellor can be really helpful in situations like this especially with kids who are naturally people pleasers.. they will say / do whatever they think will get support from each parent... its hard to them work out what is best.

Counselling and therapy for children are only really available if they aren't having contact with the parent. I've since found that out this week when I tried to seek intervention for my daughter.

I agree Pinky - counselling would be a great idea. She has a ‘special’ teacher she talks to in school but mum has been encouraging her to disclose things about dad there (that aren’t true) and obviously they aren’t trained in counselling or therapy.
Mum has said she is referring her for trauma therapy but again, she is saying the child’s trauma is down to her dad being a terrible person and completely downplaying the actual traumas she has been through (dad being locked out of the house and his belongings removed while he was at work and she was at nursery, so he was living there one moment, not the next with jo explanation; contact being stopped after this; contact being stopped again for a year; conflict between mum and dad; mum not wanting her to have a relationship with dad . . . All very damaging stuff)

Could we make a referral for her to attend?

@cancowswim If Mum has referred her to counselling Dad is entitled to know who the therapist is and raise his own concerns however a decent therapist will listen to the child, not what parents say. They can help a child get to how they actually feel, especially if they are feeling pressured. Personally, I wouldn't involve another therapist if she already has one.

Sounds like she's had a horrible time and it's not surprising she's finding it hard. It's disgusting when one parent tries to hinder the relationship with the other parent, but speaking from bitter experience the best way to help a child in that situation is to remain neutral, non-adversarial and supportive. Children see things for what they are eventually. It's really important to see it for what it is and not take anything she says personally, she sounds like a very confused & upset child to me.

How old is she out of interest?

Pebble - sorry to hear you are finding it hard to get your child therapy. I tried to get my daughter referred and we don’t meet the post code criteria for any of the services locally. It’s ridiculous!

Pinky - she is 9, nearly 10. There is no doubt she has had a terrible time. I think we’d anticipated that things would settle down once we’d been to court and mum could see that the relationship between dad and the kids is actually pretty good, once contact had resumed and they had been happy here.
And we had hoped once we got there she would settle down and we could work collectively on supporting her and working through her anxiety.
It hasn’t happened though! In fact, it’s got worse!

@Cancowswim I'm so sorry, it's so hard when stuff like this happens. Sadly, some parents can't see past their own anger and it does tremendous damage. 9-10 is a super tough age, they change a lot / puberty coming up etc - having this on top of all that, not to mention all the horrors Covid threw at kids, it's not surprising she's struggling. Not that this is much help now, but you'll likely see a change in the years to come. Girls particularly start to find their ''voice''.

You can pay a solicitor to say what you want regardless of the law and how reasonable it is. They are an easy moneymaker and scare people who think that they carry weight. For example there was an ex wife on here who received a solicitor's letter demanding that she revert to her maiden name rather than keep the surname that she shares with her kids because the new wife felt that she owned the Mrs X name. 😂

You should have replied that she is welcome to take this issue to mediation or court so she can explain to a judge what is wrong and they can follow the actual legal process to sort this out. Your h is entitled to the name and number of her counsellor and is an equal parent who can discuss things with the counsellor.