Attention seeking

[Cinders00]

I have one child of my own, he is 11. He has son 3 and daughter 5.
His son is adorable, struggling with his speech a little so he does get frustrated when no one knows what he's saying but apart from that he's pretty chilled and laid back. My son, being 11, likes his own space when the younger kids are here. Not all the time but every so often he will take himself up to his room just to have a bit of quiet time.
His daughter is extremely mardy, time spent at ours very quickly turns into the xxxx show. If she can't get what she wants she will literally sit and scream, our stuff has been broken what she's thrown in a temper. You ask her to tidy her toys away she stamps her feet and shouts no or she will literally just ignore.
Everytime me and my husband talk she's there, daddy daddy daddy. When have a cuddle she will push herself between us. She has to be the center of attention all the time and its exhausting.
It's got to the point now my husband has said she doesn't like it when we're close so we will have to be a bit more chilled when she's here. Obviously I'm not happy with this.
If were spending a bit of time with his son turning talking into a game she just has to but in turning all the attention back to her.
My son has just taken it all in his stride but I can see he's not happy with how things are turning out, he has told me he misses me. I'm working on this.
I love my step kids as if they were my own but this is just getting frustrating now, it hasn't always been like this.

Any advice on how to chill her out a bit or a way for us to cope with her behaviour?

I'm not kidding myself.

Acting up is an incredibly common sign of stress in smaller DC, and that she is showing it everywhere should be a cause to deepen concern for her.

And yes, stop cuddling when DC are around, for now at leat. You're trying to improve things for the DC, are you not? Continuing with circumstances that they find tricky isn't helping.

Can I ask again what DH makes of this?
What are his views on what should happen ?

Saying you love them as your own is a huge statement and very very unusual imo. I love my stepkids, been in their lives since they were 5 and 3 and have some lovely times with them. But I dont love them anywhere near as much as I love my kids, not even close. I make sure everything is fair, I'm kind and affectionate to them but I dont actually know anyone who loves someone else's kid as much as their own, even if they moved in full time I cant see us ever getting to that stage.

I think if you loved her as much as your own kids you would be willing to do whatever it takes to make her feel less insecure- you wouldn't want to cuddle in front of her if she didn't like it etc. You would care more about how she might be feeling and worrying than you care about any other considerations.

Fwiw I had similar with dsd when she was little- she used to run in between us and push me away if I went near her dad. As a result we were "just friends" or i stayed away during the vast majority of her contact time while she adjusted, and we didn't even consider moving in for ages until she was happy and excited by the idea. That was all led by me because I could see she was a very little girl (similar age) who was struggling. I did however find it and a lot of her other behaviour very annoying, mainly because I don't love her like my own. And thats fine, noone expects me to.

I also don’t understand why you object so much to not cuddling when she’s around, it’s not a big ask. It’s important to make her feel secure, and she clearly doesn’t. She’s only little, her behaviour isn’t malicious. She’s simoly a little girl trying to manage her emotions.

You write like she’s a tiresome teen.

I agree with others that it's down to an attachment imbalance and insecurity. You say she's like this at her mums too but then go on to say her mum's oh has children. So that's why.

Dsd isn't just like this at our house she's like it with her mum too, she doesn't like attention being on anyone else. She gets the other kids onto trouble by telling tales even if it's not true, she does this with her mums OHs kids too.

She has clearly had a fair amount of disruption in her life, parents splitting up, both parents getting new partners, meeting new step siblings etc. It must have all happened in a relatively short space of time too if the youngest is only 3. She is so little- what she needs is stability and lots of reassurance from both parents that she is still just as important as she ever was and loved and secure.

How long have the two of you been together?

Christ, all the insensitive, nasty comments on here from people who clearly don't understand. For what it's worth Cinders, I completely understand. I hear you. You should NOT have to stop cuddling just because his daughter doesn't like it, he is your husband after all! A marriage is just as important. I'm not going to read anymore responses to this because no doubt someone will have a problem with my comment and I can't be bothered with it. Feel free to message me at any point, Cinders.

Depending on how long ago the split was and it was less than 2 years bearing in mind DSS is 3.
In 18 months - this child who will remember before - has her mum get a new partner and new kids in the house - her home has been invaded, time divided and mum has been developing a relationship with step kids and had a toddler to deal with.

Dad has met a new partner and there is a big boy around. Attention with the toddler because they need more attention.

Talk about a mind f**k for an adult let alone a 4-5 yr old.

To be honest it sounds like 4 adults have thought of themselves first and foremost and forgotten the children in this - and that includes OPs 11 yr old.

I think ALL the DCS need ALL the adults to take a step back and review the childrens needs - the 11 yr old can articulate and so can the 5 yr old to a point. Clear boundaries and clear expectations on behaviour and individual needs.

Sorry OP - you, your DP, the EX and her DP have really not thought of anyone but themselves and you wonder why you have problems.