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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Attention seeking

33 replies

Cinders00 · 12/09/2021 06:36

I have one child of my own, he is 11. He has son 3 and daughter 5.
His son is adorable, struggling with his speech a little so he does get frustrated when no one knows what he's saying but apart from that he's pretty chilled and laid back. My son, being 11, likes his own space when the younger kids are here. Not all the time but every so often he will take himself up to his room just to have a bit of quiet time.
His daughter is extremely mardy, time spent at ours very quickly turns into the xxxx show. If she can't get what she wants she will literally sit and scream, our stuff has been broken what she's thrown in a temper. You ask her to tidy her toys away she stamps her feet and shouts no or she will literally just ignore.
Everytime me and my husband talk she's there, daddy daddy daddy. When have a cuddle she will push herself between us. She has to be the center of attention all the time and its exhausting.
It's got to the point now my husband has said she doesn't like it when we're close so we will have to be a bit more chilled when she's here. Obviously I'm not happy with this.
If were spending a bit of time with his son turning talking into a game she just has to but in turning all the attention back to her.
My son has just taken it all in his stride but I can see he's not happy with how things are turning out, he has told me he misses me. I'm working on this.
I love my step kids as if they were my own but this is just getting frustrating now, it hasn't always been like this.

Any advice on how to chill her out a bit or a way for us to cope with her behaviour?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AuntieStella · 12/09/2021 06:54

How long has she known you - I'm guessing not long as DSS is only 3, and allowing time for relationship to grow before meeting the DC etc, and I'm guessing the marriage must be recent too. That would mean she's probably had a heck of a lot of change very recently.

As she says she doesn't like you, you have a long road ahead of you. You need to be calm, and patient - try thinking of her as a couple of years than she is might help? It sounds as is she is reacting to stress like many toddlers do.

You need to talk to DH about how he wants this to be managed. What is anything has he said so far?

Wormsarecool · 12/09/2021 07:03

If you changed ‘attention seeking’ to ‘attachment seeking’ and thought about it in that way you might come up with ideas to help her. You might not but it’s worth a try?

Pompom2367 · 12/09/2021 07:06

She maybe needs some more one on one time with her dad op to feel more secure

Wole · 12/09/2021 07:34

How often are they with their dad?
Are you and DP really cuddly people or just cuddling up a bit on the sofa etc?
I'm guessing its a newish relationship?

You might have to hold back on the cuddling a bit, let her get used to you as someone who lives with dad, not a competition for his affection. Dad needs to give her lots of 1 on 1 time so they can chat and she feels heard. He could try openly acknowledging that it might feel odd for her seeing him with you and that that's ok but she needs to respect you? Maybe let him do most the telling her to tidy up etc.

Wole · 12/09/2021 07:34

@Wormsarecool

If you changed ‘attention seeking’ to ‘attachment seeking’ and thought about it in that way you might come up with ideas to help her. You might not but it’s worth a try?

Yes I think try and see it as this. She's trying to express something's bothering her but she's only 5 so doesn't know how. Don't take it personally.

1309username · 12/09/2021 07:47

How often are they in your house?

Since she doesn’t like seeing you and your husband together and also you mention that your son misses you, maybe you can organise things to do with your son when she is around.

That would solve both problems

Starrynight468 · 12/09/2021 10:17

Dsd needs boundaries with behaviour. Firm but kind boundaries. Boundaries make dc feel safe.

I agree about the attachment or connection seeking reframe. She needs to feel special to dad alongside the boundaries - but so does dss and so do you. Give lots of attention and praise to both of them for good behaviour and opportunities to help and create things. Happiness comes from being productive, doing things that others attribute value too and feeling proud.

RedMarauder · 12/09/2021 15:02

Your husband and his children need to spend time together doing something without you and your son around. He must actually engage with them and not sit on his phone
This just needs to be a couple of hours where every week where he shows them he is just concentrating on them. Due to their ages it should be play based e.g. taking them to a playground, reaching them to ride a bike, teaching them to roller skate.

Your son and you need to spend time together doing something without your husband and step-children around. This is actually more important for you as in a couple of years your son will be off with his mates.

Bananarama21 · 12/09/2021 15:10

You must haven't been together long and married quickly if his youngest is 3, she's reaction in alot of big changes in her short live and sounds abit insecure and jealous. I'd encourage some one to one time with his ds and stop the cuddling when she's there it's clear she feels pushed out and insecure.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 15:17

You don’t sound like you love her like your own, in fact you come across as having very little empathy for a small child who is going through lots of changes ans struggling.

RedMarauder · 12/09/2021 16:32

@Bluntness100

You don’t sound like you love her like your own, in fact you come across as having very little empathy for a small child who is going through lots of changes ans struggling.

Step-mother nastiness bingo!!

CorrBlimeyGG · 12/09/2021 16:38

You and your partner's daughter are both acting in the same way. What is acceptable from a five year old who misses their dad, is not acceptable from an adult who wants more attention from their partner.

WhatsTheBFD · 12/09/2021 16:40

@CorrBlimeyGG

This.

She is FIVE. Her parents can’t have been split up long before Daddy got a new wife.

Get a grip. Tone down the cuddling, let the poor kid have her Dads affextionz

Ozanj · 12/09/2021 16:47

Your DS is telling you he doesn’t fee safe around you and wyour DP by going off to his room. You need to listen to this behaviour because your boy, at 11, is much more likely to go off the rails than your Dp’s kids.

Anordinarymum · 12/09/2021 16:51

It's the cuddling I don't understand. Why do it if you know the child gets upset?

Thunderface · 12/09/2021 16:53

In less than 4 years her parents relationship broke down to the point of separation, her sibling was born, her dad met and then married someone else. She's 5. Why don't you 'chill out' a little and have some empathy. That little girl has been through a lot of change in 5 years.

KylieKoKo · 12/09/2021 17:32

@Anordinarymum

It's the cuddling I don't understand. Why do it if you know the child gets upset?

I actually think it would be unhealthy to stop all affection because the child doesn't like it as that would reinforce the idea that love is finite and that dad's love for the op takes away from the daughter. I think it's healthier for the dad to demonstrate that his love is not finite and that hr loves his daughter no matter who else is in is life.

Maybe he could take her out for a day just the two of them where she gets to choose the activity.

RedMarauder · 12/09/2021 18:39

@KylieKoKo who is going to look after his other child, his son, if he does a one-to-one with his daughter?

It isn't fair on the SS, the OP and her son if her DH gets the look after the SS.

They can only spend an hour or so together when the SS is either in childcare or with a relative SS likes like a grandparent otherwise it is clear favouritism.

KylieKoKo · 12/09/2021 18:46

@RedMarauder the child's mother? If had an unhappy child I'd happily facilitate one on one time with their other parent. Dp occasionally takes the DSDs ouy individually - ensuring that they each get the same amount of time of course so no favouritism. I appreciate that not everyone has that kind of co patenting relationship though.

KylieKoKo · 12/09/2021 18:48

Or if that's not possible maybe each of the children can choose an activity for the family to do and a place to have dinner or something. Just to have some fun time and make them feel important.

MrsMaizel · 12/09/2021 21:19

@Bluntness100

You don’t sound like you love her like your own, in fact you come across as having very little empathy for a small child who is going through lots of changes ans struggling.

Does it come as a surprise to you that all women and men do not love stepchildren as if they were their own ?

SanFranBear · 12/09/2021 22:41

I think Bluntness is responding to this part of the OP:
I love my step kids as if they were my own
and kind of agree. I don't think all step-parents have to (or even should) love their stepchildren like they're their own and I think you're deluding yourself a little here, OP.

nimbuscloud · 12/09/2021 22:43

Op seems to have done a runner

MrsMaizel · 13/09/2021 00:02

@SanFranBear

I think Bluntness is responding to this part of the OP: I love my step kids as if they were my own and kind of agree. I don't think all step-parents have to (or even should) love their stepchildren like they're their own and I think you're deluding yourself a little here, OP.

Ah Ok . Apologies to @Bluntness100 for misunderstanding .

Original poster

Cinders00 · 13/09/2021 05:56

Dsd is not unhappy in the slightest. She gets plenty of affection from both me and her dad. She's a very cuddly child. Husband and myself only cuddle if we have a moment to ourselves and that's normally in an evening while the kids are playing.
They do activities together for about 5 mins until they start bickering, thats my toy I had that one. Kids!
No-one gets pushed out or left out.
Dsd isn't just like this at our house she's like it with her mum too, she doesn't like attention being on anyone else. She gets the other kids onto trouble by telling tales even if it's not true, she does this with her mums OHs kids too.

You might all think that kids are little angels but we all know they have their moments, stop kidding yourselves.
Why should my husband and I not cuddle just because she doesn't like it? As said above, it's only when they're all occupied and she has plenty of love and cuddles from both of us.
And I do love his kids like they're my own, I only came here asking for advice as a first time step mum. Some of the replies on here are just horrible.
Thankyou to those who offered genuine solutions

OP posts:

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