first day at school

[ketchupman]

It was DSD's first day at secondary school today and I just went to say goodnight and found her crying in bed (she lives permanently with us, no contact since baby with her DM). She won't tell me what's wrong but I cuddled her and she relaxed after a while. When I tend to tell DH stuff like this he goes straight to her and asks what's wrong and she obviously doesn't want to talk to him either, any advice for what to say or do without telling him? I feel so sad that she's had a bad day and would do anything I can to help.

Aww OP secondary school is such a mix of emotions, it might just be a crappy day in the sense of not what she expected, or might be more too it.I’d just let her know she’s loved and if she wants to chat you are there.

Also on the sly … I’d check her social media or messages if you can.. if you can’t that’s fine , but I’d touch base and try and work out if it is anything that related

Thanks for replying @Ohsoquietchange

It's a new school and she doesn't know anyone so rather than an issue with social media already (!) I wonder if she felt really left out. When she was at primary it was much easier to facilitate a play date with a friendly looking mum, so hard not being able to do that for her now. DH is good with her but expects a lot so I'm worried he won't understand what you say above about mix of emotions.

No practical advice but you're a lovely step mum/mum and I just had to say that x I hope she's OK. She'll open up when she's ready, I'm sure.

Starting a new school is always hard @ketchupman I remember my own experience… private to state… and I felt so left out when I started… I hated every moment for at least the first few weeks until I found my place. But no one ever knew, no one picked up on my sadness. The fact that you have is such a good start.
I’d try and relate, if possible, Ie situations with you that have been tough and you’ve been sad but it’s been okay… just so your Dd knows it’s okay not to be okay. Lots of positives out of school and maybe something fun for the weekend that you know she would love?

Ah, that's a sore one, OP

Give it this week and then maybe contact her Guidance teacher and ask them to keep an eye out for her.

I really hope things get better for her soon. And you. There's nothing worse than not knowing how to help.

@Pebbledashery that's so kind, thank you.

@excelledyourself that's really helpful, thank you. I was sitting on my hands not to email tonight! I will wait and see, also don't want to go behind DH's back but also know he will try and resolve his own way which might not help her.

@Ohsoquietchange I will organise something for the weekend for her to look forward to if she has another few days like this. Don't want to go too hard too early on the cheer up treats! Will try and suggest DH stays home with little DC so she might be more talkative.

Thank you all, was feeling terrible for her. Feeling a bit better now with such helpful ideas.

You sound lovely @ketchupman

I vividly remember being convinced that big school would be full of bullies and being worried about this before starting. Could it be something like this on her mind?

I hope she feels more confident by the end of the week.

I'm going to walk and meet her today so we can talk about her day on the way home, will hopefully be helpful. She's not allowed her phone out at school but I've sent her a funny pic in case she checks it at any point

The change to secondary school can be really overwhelming. My daughter is gone into third year and was still a bit anxious going in the first day back. Hopefully things will settle after a couple if days when she starts meeting people and making friends. It can be very daunting at first when you don't know anyone. On top of that trying to find her around and deal with new teachers, subjects etc. I'd give her a week or two and if she's ynhappy maybe contact her year head, guidance counsellor etc and see if they have any suggestions.

How is DSD getting on @ketchupman?

Thank you for asking and sorry for slow reply.

She's doing great, has made loads of friends and is really on top of what is going on. So pleased for her I was so worried and luckily DH has chilled out a bit too which makes a big difference

Great news, OP! She's lucky to have you.