How do we deal with all the hurt...?

[Ambernectarine22]

I previously posted about my DP and his 2 children moving out of my house, where we have all lived for the last 3.5y. The move was sparked by DP's 21yo son coming back to live with us for a year (part of his university course). Suddenly my house felt too small, he was being a bit thoughtless and messy, etc etc.

DP has moved out and we are trying to keep our relationship going, but there's a lot of hurt to deal with: DP is hurt because his son was the catalyst. I'm hurt because I never wanted to have less of my partner, but just couldn't hack the living arrangements with our kids. I miss him like mad, especially now both my children have gone back to school/uni. Worst of all, DP's 20y son is hurt and bitter about what has happened and has said he doesn't ever want to see me or my children again. He also doesn't like DP coming to see me.

Next September all the children will have gone to uni (fingers crossed) and DP and I are focused on this as a time we can rebuild our relationship. Meanwhile we have to make do with the odd evening or night together as and when we have no children around. Luckily DP's son has a girlfriend who lives a couple of hours away so he will visit her some weekends.

Any tips on how to deal with all of this hurt?

At the end of the day, a 20 year old step child can throw his toys out the pram all he likes but it's down to DP to make the choice with you to make the situation work. He also needs to set some boundaries with DS and actually one of them maybe that he doesn't pass on what DS says as it makes you sad. Your love life doesn't need a 20 year old males approval.

It's going to be sad of course, your world became smaller right when you started to blend ? Start widening it again. Friends you haven't seen in a while drop them a text and go see them, cinema, reading, hobbies, dance class yoga. Keep busy and keep out of the house.

Give your self time to settle into the new way of things. It's all very early !

@candlelightsatdawn Thank you. DP has made the choice and we both hope it will work out. I'm glad I know, but you're right, I don't need to hear any more. And yes, you're right too about life having constricted. I loved living with DP but often felt I was choosing him over my friends and I am certainly making up for it now. I've even planned a week's holiday with a friend!

This change is still very new and fresh. Most changes require an adjustment period. Love does not have to diminish or die because you no longer live together. If your love cannot withstand a disruption of what may be less than a year then perhaps it was not as strong as either of you believed it to be.

If he were in the military and was deployed for a year ,would either of you love each other less or would your relationship be in anyway diminished? The ultimate situation would be the same, you would not be living together for a period of time.

Would your dp be open to decent couples counselling? I don't think your hurt about him moving out because of his son, will disappear if you keep it bottled up. I also echo candles advice about seeing friends and making your own life again, you also might find you become so happy that you don't want the drama and baggage dp brings with his grown up children.

@Tattler2 - Yes, I guess it will be interesting to see how we both feel in a year.

@Ibizan Did we make the best decisions? I wonder if I should have just shut up and put up for a year. I don't feel like I need an apology, I just feel sad that our bubble has burst and that everyone is feeling bruised. I'm not the kind of person to fall out with people and I'm hurt by DP's son's reaction - although he also has a bad relationship with his mum, his grandmother, and barely communicates with his other set of grandparents (but has a lovely gf). No harsh words were said, but he feels like he came home and then everything fell apart. I think I feel more sad that he says he never wants to see either of my children again, as all 4 of them have got on very well together.

@Starrynight468 Good thinking, though I think DSS needs counselling the most of all of us. I'm enjoying many aspects of being essentially single again, but don't want to live alone full-time.

[quote Ambernectarine22]@Ibizan Did we make the best decisions? I wonder if I should have just shut up and put up for a year. I don't feel like I need an apology, I just feel sad that our bubble has burst and that everyone is feeling bruised. I'm not the kind of person to fall out with people and I'm hurt by DP's son's reaction - although he also has a bad relationship with his mum, his grandmother, and barely communicates with his other set of grandparents (but has a lovely gf). No harsh words were said, but he feels like he came home and then everything fell apart. I think I feel more sad that he says he never wants to see either of my children again, as all 4 of them have got on very well together.[/quote]
I wonder if he is being like this as a defensive mechanism? Like you said, in his eyes he came home and then the family broke apart. Even though you haven't broken up, maybe he thinks this is the next step and doesn't want to be hurt by losing your kids, so has preempted it. How did his parents split up? Did one of them move out claiming they just needed a bit of space and then they properly split up?