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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Fed up of the same arguments and going round in circles

25 replies

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 16:22

The crux of it is, the ex does not like routines. Her and DH keep having the same conversations about contact. They agree a routine, then a few months down the line she wants to assess it and change it again . She refuses to give any indication of what the issue is unless they meet in person. Every. Single. Time. It’s so unsettling for everyone involved.

Every time DH asks if they can sort school holidays out in advance, it’s met with hostility and comments like she doesn’t live her life from a spreadsheet and she can’t commit to things as she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s now added her new husband into the mix saying he can’t commit to things as he has a business to run so can’t say when they may want to go on holiday etc. My DH has a business to run too which is why we try and get organised with this.

We’ve tried doing things more adhoc in the past but it was a nightmare. It got so messy, DSD was all over the place and if we wanted to do anything like take her on holiday, we almost had to ask permission and it would take her weeks to decide as “it’s not a priority for her”. There’s just zero respect for my DH

We are not rigid. We’ve swapped things around and accommodated most requests from her.

Just needed to get it off my chest as sick of going round the same circles. Just want to be free of all this drama. We plan our lives around dsd, why can’t she do the same?

OP posts:

MeridianB · 04/09/2021 16:25

How old is DSD?

It sounds like the ex wants to maintain control, especially with face to face meetings. If it has been going on for some time then your DH might get a better result through court.

TwinsandTrifle · 04/09/2021 16:29

She does plan her life around DSD. But she loves being a pain in your ass too.

Plan around your DSD of course. But don't plan around the ex being deliberately difficult.

If things don't happen because mum likes to derail it, you can't live your life like that. DSD is important. As are you. As is DH.

Don't ask permission for everything, DH is an equal parent. Say to her, this is the week we are due to have DSD. We are going to book a holiday. Can you confirm/ we are double checking that she will be with us that week, as unless we have a solid yes, we can't book her ticket.

How old is DSD?

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 16:31

It’s been going on for 5 years now. DSD is 9. It took 4 years for him to get decent weekend time with her (always had weekdays after school before that).

Just so tired of it

DH went to a mediator 18 months ago and she refused to go.

She now refuses to text or have phone calls unless she requests it. Now it’s demands to speak face to face and won’t budge. It’s so silly

DH explained it’s easier on the phone as he’s able to see his work calendar and other bits easily and make amendments as they go along. He just gets abuse for it

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 16:33

@TwinsandTrifle I wish we could say this is when we have DSD to her, but the problem is we simply don’t know as she refuses to agree to sort that out

We just try our best to work around any arrangements to be fair to DSD and the ex, but the ex just wants us to work around whatever she’s doing and gets nasty about routines if we suggest it “I’m not a robot” she says

OP posts:

FibroidFanny · 04/09/2021 16:36

Fuck that, I'd engage a solicitor and see what the options are. If she's being difficult and won't even consider mediation you might want to look at getting a court order if you can

mememe008 · 04/09/2021 16:38

Court order. My DH Had this with his ex, who also refused to go to mediation, and that was the only thing that solved it because she had nowhere to go after that. Specifies amount of notice for any changes and that they are to be ad-hoc for genuine reasons only. Was the best £1k we've ever spent.

TwinsandTrifle · 04/09/2021 16:39

Then, alas, it's time for a court order.

She's doing the face to face so she's not put anything in writing, then she can deny agreeing to it.

You need to remove the unfair power this parent has over the other parent. Your household is under this woman's control otherwise, and she's loving it. Making her ex husband turn up when she decides or you don't get to make arrangements for his own child. 5 years is already enough. She can only be like this if you enable her, and it sounds like she's been enabled for far too long. She refused mediation? Have you got that in writing? That won't go favourably in court.

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 16:43

I think court is the way to go now. It’s never going to get better. We’ve tried and tried. Sorting school holidays and keeping to a routine shouldn’t be so hard! I’d understand if we were inflexible but just this week we’ve swapped 2 weekends around for her in October…she was happy to talk on the phone about that of course!! We are flexible, only saying no when we had other plans.

She wants to move DSD to a different school half an hour away and I think it would be wise for DH to seek legal advice tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 16:47

@TwinsandTrifle this is the thing, she said this to him face to face. Always very clever to nit put things in writing.

DH used to be very weak and the first 2 years of our relationship was completely dictated by her. It’s gotten better but she’s so unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate and hard to deal with that it just seems to never end. I mean it gets better fit a month or two but then the same arguments start again.

Why she has issue with him sending a calendar of who has her when (which they both agreed to) is beyond me. I can’t believe it’s even a thing to argue about, but it is for some reason and she throws that in his face regularly

OP posts:

TwinsandTrifle · 04/09/2021 16:50

And 5 years on he still allows it because.....?

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 16:52

I think he’s just tried everything he can to avoid court. He thinks he’s making progress, and it seems to be the case, then bang the same issues arise. Again, they will talk, things will get better, then she changes her mind again, because the crux of it is, she can’t stand routines as it restricts her

OP posts:

Kiduknot · 04/09/2021 16:58

I don’t understand why you haven’t gone the court route before now. Life will be much easier.

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 17:01

Will it? What sort of outcomes are there for school holidays? Anyone know?

OP posts:

TwinsandTrifle · 04/09/2021 17:04

Yes it will be massively easier! Time for DH to stop being "weak" and letting this woman carry on like this. I can't believe you've put up with this for 5 years already. You get one life.

Choccyaddict4eva · 04/09/2021 17:05

Me and ex have a court order in place. He used to be all over the place and there was never any consistency so I’m thankful I don’t have to deal with that nonsense anymore. He has one overnight visit per week and every other weekend. We split all school holidays and alternate religious celebrations.

hulahoopqueen · 04/09/2021 17:05

A common outcome is 50/50 for school holidays. I really hope you can get it sorted OP - this sounds massively frustrating for you and DH, and really upsetting for your DSD.

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 17:15

We have 50/50 holidays at the mo and she sticks to it as it benefits her (covering work). The problem with us getting her to commit to when I’m a reasonable time. Will the courts help with that? Either with saying when we have her or at least when and how it should be organised?

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 17:16

Sorry for typos

OP posts:

MeridianB · 04/09/2021 18:48

It’s totally worth court - not just for your sanity but to avoid further damage to DSD and the relationship she deserves to have with her father.

mememe008 · 04/09/2021 19:06

You can specify specifically in the order. We have exact number of days the children are with for each school holiday (I.e. x days in Autumn half term, x days in Christmas holidays, x days in Spring half term, etc). It also spells out that dates must be agreed x weeks in advance (and provision for booking holidays to be agreed x months in advance). It includes how far in advance for any changes to dates need to be agreed. It also includes how communication to agree dates will take place (in writing - by text or email - so that we always have a trail of evidence).

The court will frown upon her refusing to do mediation. As long as you don't ask for anything unreasonable, you should get what you request because you can show you have tried to work with her and she is being difficult.

Unfortunately it will probably mean she becomes more hostile to you and your DH because the order will remove her power. But it is so worth it for the certainty and peace of mind.

Ohpulltheotherone · 04/09/2021 19:21

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t have a court order in place when he’s been facing the same argument / issue for five years.

Don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Off to court you go, agreed schedule. Flexibility if you want to come to arrangements at the time but it’s based on agreed contact.

If you keep doing the same thing you keep getting the same result OP. Why do you think someone with no respect for you or your DH is going to give two shits about your need for organisation? She won’t. Ever.

So solicitor and court.
There is never any other option for those people who aren’t normal (as in his ex). He should have done it years ago.

Court agreements should be the default not left as the last option.

RandomMess · 04/09/2021 19:42

You absolutely can have fixed holidays such as May half term full week, 2nd week of Easter and Christmas. First full week and last 2 full weeks of summer holidays type of thing.

Sounds like you need it as detailed and fixed as possible.

Also he can get a prohibitive steps order to stop her being moved from her current school and also to agree to which secondary schools to apply to.

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 20:03

Thank you all for being so lovely and supportive. I’ll feed this info back to DH. Really do appreciate it

OP posts:

mememe008 · 04/09/2021 20:19

Good luck @TwoDots! Truly empathise - it's so hard as part of you feels like you're being horrid by taking the ex to court. You are not. She has forced your hand by being unreasonable, even if packaged in a 'nice' way. You are ultimately putting this provision in place for the benefit of your DSD. Children need stability, and an order will give them that

Original poster

TwoDots · 04/09/2021 23:14

Thank you so much @mememe008. You’re so right, that there is enormous guilt for even considering this route but we’ve tried so hard and it’s becoming detrimental for everyone involved.

Again, thanks to all those who have commented

OP posts:

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