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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Feeling a bit invisible

19 replies

penniejane · 02/09/2021 08:39

Before anyone says this is in appropriate I'm not talking about full on make out sessions here or even a quick hug!

I've been with my DP for 5 years so I've known his child a while now and we get on well.

When my DSS is around, DP will literally not come anywhere near me. He will never sit next to me, ask if I want a drink when he's making DSS one, touch me on the arm, sometimes he will forget to even acknowledge I'm in the same room!

So you might think that is all fair enough, but what I'm struggling to understand is why he will do all of that in front of my DC but not his?

I completely understand that DSS is his priority when he's at ours, I have no issue with that at all, it's just getting a bit wearing to be made to feel like I'm contagious or invisible!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2021 08:44

Have you pointed out to your DP that he's being pretty rude? Are there any expectations of you being involved when DSS is there?

SharpLily · 02/09/2021 08:44

Have you asked him?

vivainsomnia · 02/09/2021 08:50

No of course it's not fair. It's quite ridiculous. Is it a case of him struggling mentally to focus on two different people at the same time?

Original poster

penniejane · 02/09/2021 08:50

I've kind of pointed it out but he gets very defensive around anything to do with DSS, even when not directly about him!

@aSofaNearYou I guess I'm expected to do all cooking when DSS is here.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 02/09/2021 08:53

Offering you a drink and acknowledging you're in a room are basic manners. YANBU. Ask him how he'd feel if you treated him like that!

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2021 08:56

@penniejane

I've kind of pointed it out but he gets very defensive around anything to do with DSS, even when not directly about him!

@aSofaNearYou I guess I'm expected to do all cooking when DSS is here.

Why am I not surprised. It's honestly revolting how often I read about dad's who are "extremely defensive" when discussing their behaviour around their kids. It's highly manipulative.

I would tell him that his cold behaviour and defensiveness around discussing it is making the time when his son is there really unpleasant for you so you'll be withdrawing from it if he isn't willing to discuss it. Do less, be distant and busy when he is there. Use it for you time. He will likely not like it, and maybe then he'll be more open to talking about it.

candlelightsatdawn · 02/09/2021 09:51

@penniejane ^ sofas advice all of sofas advice.

Also until he can do the above, stop cooking. Withdrawing all services rendered until he can have a adult conversation.

Don't reward bad behaviour!

PeeAche · 02/09/2021 10:10

Hi @penniejane, I’ve been a step parent for about 5 years and it can be really tough sometimes. I don’t have all the answers!

Remember that all relationships need to be nurtured in order to make them work but even more so when you have children and even MORE so when you have step children.

So, don’t punish him, withdraw or play games. He’s making a choice for his son, and that choice is inadvertently hurting you. We all do this sometimes.

Start conversations when DSS isn’t around about the importance for children of witnessing healthy adult relationships. Don’t make it pointed and don’t loop it back to DSS. Just get the conversational ball rolling. Build on this topic over a few days / weeks. Let him draw his own conclusions. Tell your DSS that you love him (or at least that you love having him there, if you don’t have that kind of a bond) Then in front of your DSS, tell your husband that you love him. It doesn’t need to be a big show or accompanied by snogging. Children do appreciate and need environments filled with love.

I’ve read a lot on the impact of divorce on children and a common thread appears to be that children can feel the pain of divorce all over again, upon seeing parents pair off into new relationships. Your husband may be (consciously or unconsciously) trying to shield his son from some of that feeling. And that’s totally understandable. Divorce with children can make one feel very guilty. But it is time for him to move on mentally and show your DSS that lots of adults have healthy, loving relationships. It sets a really important template for us all in later life.

In divorce (and subsequently, in blended families) “right” is what you make it. It’s totally fair that husband is trying to protect his son. It’s totally fair that you feel unhappy about how this impacts you. But don’t go in all-guns-blazing. And don’t play games with his feelings! Start small conversations and show everyone involved that this is a loving relationship that is being nurtured by 2 adults.

Original poster

penniejane · 02/09/2021 10:14

@PeeAche That's great advice, thank you! I'll just add one thing though, DP and his ex split up when DSS was a toddler so he doesn't remember them ever being together.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2021 10:18

@PeeAche I appreciate what you're saying, but being extremely defensive when discussing these issues is not inadvertently hurting somebody, it is actively hurting somebody, and being an arse. It does not reflect as well on DP as your post suggests. He does need to know he is acting poorly about this.

Starlight39 · 02/09/2021 10:26

I guess it's guilt on his part and wanting his DS to feel like he's number 1 priority in the short time he has him and not wanting him to feel left out or anything but he takes it to an extreme and it's absolutely not acceptable to either do it OR act so defensive when you raise it.

If he keeps doing it then maybe say you'll behave in the same way when your kids are around and then do it so he can see it from the other side!

The best thing Dp did for my DS is to show him how a good relationship should be - obviously we aren't all over each other in front of DS but he will do things for me, thank me for the lovely food if I cook and be generally affectionate and kind to me. I know it's something that has made an impact on DS as sometimes he will do the same for me eg thank me like DP does or offer to help with something in a similar way. I hope it's something he'll take foward into his own relationships.

Original poster

penniejane · 02/09/2021 10:30

@Starlight39 It's funny you said that - this morning DSS was still asleep and I was sat on the sofa with DP and my DS, and DP put his hand on my knee so I immediately moved my leg away (something he would do if DSS was around), and he looked visibly annoyed!

OP posts:

Tattler2 · 02/09/2021 16:03

I lost my device with saved passwords so I had to create another account.
OP, perhaps your partner thinks that you are less concerned about what your child is exposed to in terms of displays of affection. He might just think that he can be more relaxed in displays in front of your child because you do not seem bothered by these displays in front of your child. He may have at one time wondered why you permit such displays in front of your child.

It likely has to do with his upbringing and personal comfort zone. I am not trying to justify the behavior but only offering a possible explanation.

Original poster

penniejane · 02/09/2021 16:24

@Tattler2 I'm not sure why my DP would wonder why I allow him to rest his hand on my knee in front of my child!

OP posts:

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 02/09/2021 16:30

Seems odd as it's not going to make DSS warm to you if you are being ignored all the time.

Original poster

penniejane · 02/09/2021 16:33

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm I do find DSS can be quite dismissive of me!

OP posts:

candlelightsatdawn · 02/09/2021 16:36

Think that children of a certain tend to follow the lead with how their parent engages with their spouses to a degree.

Monkey see monkey do. If he sees his father be dismissive of you, the child on some level will think it's ok for them to do this to.

This is true of step families and normal families.

I think that actually it's something that if unchecked can really cause issues.

Tattler2 · 02/09/2021 16:55

@penniejane

If he is not resting his hand on your knee in front of his child he clearly has no some reservation about the gesture in front of a child.

If in the beginning of your relationship you were the first to make displays of affection in front of your child, he may have thought it to be questionably appropriate but as it was your child ,he was willing to follow your lead with your child.

I think it is great that he is willing to do what makes you comfortable around your child. He may just wonder why you object to his doing that which makes him comfortable around his child.

It is important that both of you be comfortable in the relationship. If that is not happening then one or the other of you has a decision to make.

Ripley1977 · 14/09/2021 14:52

Sorry I know this is 12 days late but I had this talk with my OH last night. As soon as his children were picked up he started being affectionate straight away. I felt like pushing him off me. I don't expect PDA's just the normal touch of the shoulder, a cuddle here and there but he said he struggles to give everyone attention when they are here. He spends alot of time being affectionate with his kids (rightly so) but cannot be affectionate with me at all and also gets defensive. I don't think it's right to turn our relationship off when they are here, they know that we are in one anyway

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