Hi,
Apologies if this is the wrong area for this chat. Also, apologies because I am a dad and not a mum.
I have a stepdaughter, age 23, who has been with me since she was 10. She works, pays £200 a month "rent" and has a boyfriend aged 24 who lives with his parents and doesn't pay rent.
During lockdown, it was becoming incredibly difficult, as space is at a premium in our house. Further, she has walked into our bedroom a couple of times without knocking and, despite politely reminding her about personal space (amazing this has to be done for a 23 year old) she still continues to do it.
She helps around the house, but makes a 20 minute job last all day. The problem is that, as I am working from home, and she is home from work 3-4 days out of every week I am getting extremely frustrated that a simple task like putting things into the recycling bin takes the best part of a day as she walks around watching TV shows on her phone. When she isn't in work, she wakes up around 1pm. She often decides to shower at midnight - disturbing our 11 year old son and upsetting his sleep patterns.
It came to a head, for me, because she was spending all her time in the kitchen just sat on a small stool on the floor talking with her bf or watching movies on her tiny phone. Whenever I walked into the kitchen I would get a stare of "what are you doing here again". It's got to the stage where the kitchen is her personal space and I feel reluctant, at times, to go in there. At other times, because she is constantly wearing earphones, she jumps and says "OMG" whenever I walk into the hallway or kitchen. It's so irritating, as is her habit to tell me "I will wash the dishes" at 7pm, only for me to walk into the kitchen at 10pm with the dishes still piled up, and then hear the water systems kicking in at 11:30 as she decides to start doing the washing up.
I have a good relationship with her, but it is in jeopardy at the moment because I just find her constant presence irritating. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect her and her long-term bf to move in together, and that she has outgrown the place.
I told her mum (my wife) about it, and I suggested that maybe it would make sense since she and her bf are now approaching their mid 20s if they moved in together. My wife agreed, and we decided to approach the subject delicately.
Her bf is a bit of a mummy's boy. He isn't paying anything to his parents, has a decent paid job, and I've always found him to be polite, but insincerely sincere. He rarely visited our house, even before the pandemic, which annoyed and pleased me in equal measure. I can't really get on with him that well, despite my efforts, because I think he is a bit of a wet blanket.
Having spoken to my SD about it, she said they want to move in together but he doesn't want a terraced house, by the main road. I said to her that we often have to start with something that is not ideal, before we move onto places that are better or more like we want. She agreed, and she mentioned she was getting frustrated by him because of his mixed signals. So, I told her she needs to talk to him about his plans - after all, they have been dating for 4 years, are in their mid-20s, both are working, and - in fairness - during lockdown they didn't contact each other physically.
She then told me that he wants to move into a house with her, but that they should BOTH get new jobs first. This was 3 months ago and neither has even looked for a new job.
My own view is that he is happy with his lot, and she is happy with hers and that there are no plans for them to commit further. However, like I say, her presence is intrusive at times and it is getting to a stage where I can't feel relaxed in my own home. I also feel that I am, to some extent, subsidising this lifestyle.
I am considering increasing her rent to £300. Primarily because, when she leaves for work the kitchen is in an almighty mess and, with my own OCD issues, I find I have to tidy up before I can start work. Another reason, although I doubt she will make this conclusion, is that I think raising the rent should prompt her to think "hmmm, for a few quid more I'd have my own house and own space" - there are decent houses for rental here for £475. However, me raising her rent means that her costs increase but her bf's don't. He has been quick to blame me, from a distance, for them not seeing each other during lockdown (although, when restrictions eased, he refused to travel in the same car as her wearing masks and with windows open), but has never spoken to me about it but is happy to blame me.