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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you pay equally to take stepchildren on holidays?

29 replies

timelord92 · 28/08/2021 09:38

I've noticed it mentioned a few times on these boards by SM's that whenever you holiday with the whole family including the SD's that you leave it to your DP/DH to pay for his children's share of the cost.

It got me thinking about it in terms of a financial point of view. We have a joint account that we pay our bills out of and then we have our own individual accounts with our own money. However, when we go away on holiday or day trips we pay the cost out of the joint account whether the SD's are with us or not.

I was just wondering how it works for people on here? Do some of you work out how much extra it is for the SD's and then your DP/DH pays the difference? Does this not cause arguments doing it this way as its separating the families rather than it being one family too?

OP posts:

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Wornout12108 · 28/08/2021 09:42

Each family will have their own set up but I think personally it's strange to expect the parent to pay for a holiday for their own child that they won't be going on. School trips completely different we pay half and half.
Family holidays we pay for our step child to come with us, they are included in the budget. How odd would it be to say you can come on our family holiday but only if you pay. If you are in financial dire straits maybe that's a different scenario. Also where do you draw the line, is the non holidaying parent paying for travel insurance, meals, treats, tours???

Wornout12108 · 28/08/2021 09:42

We put money aside monthly for holidays, from our joint account. So it's family money for the family.

Tigertealeaves · 28/08/2021 09:44

We pay equally for them although we have separate finances. So can't help on that one!

If DP had to pay for 3 people by himself, we would be more limited in our holidays and he wouldn't afford to do anything with me when his DC go back to their mum, so it works out best for everyone I don't think the DC know or care who pays for things though so wouldn't say it makes them feel more like a family when I put my hand in my pocket! That is between me and my partner.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/08/2021 09:46

@Wornout12108

Each family will have their own set up but I think personally it's strange to expect the parent to pay for a holiday for their own child that they won't be going on. School trips completely different we pay half and half. Family holidays we pay for our step child to come with us, they are included in the budget. How odd would it be to say you can come on our family holiday but only if you pay. If you are in financial dire straits maybe that's a different scenario. Also where do you draw the line, is the non holidaying parent paying for travel insurance, meals, treats, tours???

I think you've misunderstood. It's the parent in the relationship paying, not the other parent.

StarryNight468 · 28/08/2021 09:46

We go 50/50 on holidays even though I have two teens and he has an 8yr old. My teens will be living independently before long and we'll still do 50/50 when it's just dss left so it will work out fair enough.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/08/2021 09:47

We've always paid for holidays out the joint account. Wouldn't occur to me to get dp to just pay for his child really because our savings come from both our wages anyway.

School trips etc I would leave to him though.

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 09:47

but I think personally it's strange to expect the parent to pay for a holiday for their own child that they won't be going on

I’m not sure that’s what the OP was asking?

Blendiful · 28/08/2021 09:50

@StarryNight468

We have a similar set up to this. We pay 50/50 for holidays and other stuff. We have 2 kids each. But currently it’s usually my 2 plus dps eldest that comes as youngest mum wouldn’t allow him to go away with us.

At some point I imagine that will change and my eldest will likely not be going then. So it’ll work out later down the line.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 28/08/2021 09:56

I pay for my kid, he pays for his.

kirstyr3892 · 28/08/2021 09:57

We pay 50/50 too, just comes out of the 'family pot.'

We have DSD 50% of the time, I see her as being as much a part of our family as my own DC, our house is her home etc. I wouldn't holiday without her, or not include her in 'big' family things. I don't just see her as my DH's responsibility, or that it's on only him in a financial sense i.e. I'd have no issue picking up things that she needed for school or hobbies and paying for them myself. She's just one of the kids.

VienneseWhirligig · 28/08/2021 10:02

We paid for everything jointly - DSS was a full time member of our household, and we put everything in one pot. When my parents took DSS away with them to US a few times (as a companion for my younger sibling) they paid for him, he just took some spending money.

Original poster

timelord92 · 28/08/2021 10:11

@Wornout12108

Each family will have their own set up but I think personally it's strange to expect the parent to pay for a holiday for their own child that they won't be going on. School trips completely different we pay half and half. Family holidays we pay for our step child to come with us, they are included in the budget. How odd would it be to say you can come on our family holiday but only if you pay. If you are in financial dire straits maybe that's a different scenario. Also where do you draw the line, is the non holidaying parent paying for travel insurance, meals, treats, tours???

I think you've misunderstood what I was asking. Although, before my DP met me he did used to pay half of the holidays his SD's went on with their mum. For some reason now though they each contribute to their own holidays although my DP usually gives some pocket money for them still.

OP posts:

Wornout12108 · 28/08/2021 10:21

Timelord92 Apologies I did read it wrong.
I think everyone has their own way and it's not always equal but can be fair.

aaaaah · 28/08/2021 10:26

We pay into the shared account proportionate to income and it comes out there. So yes I pay for his kids to go on holiday with us. He pays for everything else for his kids out of his 'spending' money though.

aaaaah · 28/08/2021 10:26

Still trying to work on a simpler way!

Tractordiggerdump · 28/08/2021 10:36

It’s family money not mine/his so we just pay and don’t keep tabs. I enjoy my DSD’s company and our family holiday wouldn’t be the same without her b

Maybe83 · 28/08/2021 10:46

We have joint finances and I earn more but everything the kids need just comes out our joint account for Christmas, birthdays and holidays etc.

Aimee1987 · 28/08/2021 12:02

For us we pay 50/50 for holidays. We arent very adventurous in our holidays have just been camp / surf trips to Devon as were saving for out house deposit so adding on 1 or 2 more kids doesnt really cost that much more.

Madeatimemachineoutofadelorean · 28/08/2021 12:13

We split the cost (I have one DC, he has two). True of holidays and all things. It's just easier tbh!

sassbott · 28/08/2021 13:09

No. And I have no intention of ever doing so.

I take my holidays with my DC (and I plan on doing some adventurous / longer flight time) ones. In the main because mine are older and can now do much different holidays. Also I am flexible with my ex on dates/ duration etc so much easier to organise.

His holidays with his Dc will be based around their younger ages/ needs. He also is super restricted with an ex who leaves it as late as possible to agree holidays weeks/ dates.

So for us, holidays are separate and come from separate pots. And always will. Only joint costs would be if there was ever a cross over in cohabiting.

KylieKoKo · 28/08/2021 14:15

Dp pays for accommodation etc for all of us if we go on holiday with the kids. It's more expensive to go in holidays and he wants me to come so he has adult company and as he'd have to get a room for himself anyway it doesn't really cost anymore for me to come ...

I will take us all out for dinner, buy us Ice cream etc times when we're there.

Honeymare · 28/08/2021 15:04

It comes from the family pot here.

yupyupyup · 28/08/2021 15:16

I have 2 DSC and none of my own. DH and I have been together 11 years and I spent probably 8 of those worrying about finances and the unfairness (I've always been the higher earner but we're still well below average income).

In the last few years, I've totally chilled out over this. Our money is our money and we have 2 children to account for. That means we pay maintenance (not long left!) and we buy them what they need when they need it. When they're here and we want to go on holiday, they come along and we pay. Takeaways we pay for 4. We pay for haircuts and clothes when they are with us. When they are not here, their mum takes care of that as she sees fit. Yes, we have very different standards and disposable incomes, but trying to calculate out expenses and separate incomes is far too stressful.

hulahoopqueen · 28/08/2021 16:10

Yes, we split all holiday costs equally - though if DSS starts nagging for treats or souvenirs he's swiftly pointed towards his dad 😂

howtodealwithit · 28/08/2021 16:38

DH has always paid for us all inc his DSS (my eldest), apart from the first holiday when he was very little - we weren't living together and it didn't feel right even though he offered. After that one though all of the money came from DH's wages as I was a SAHM for 11 years. I now work, albeit minimally and DH is still by far the bread winner so will continue to pay for DS to come on holiday with us. We do live as a family though and he's been in DS's life since he was 2.

I know our set up is more unusual though, I'm very grateful that DH has always wanted to treat DS as part of his family. I never expected it, he just wanted it to be that way

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