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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD asking for money

25 replies

cheeseisnice · 26/08/2021 22:47

I split with my husband of 13 years just over 3 years ago now. He has two daughters from a long term relationship that occurred before we met.
DSD2 is 19. She's been working but has for a reason I'm not aware of now become unemployed.
I'm in relationship now, but for all intents and purposes am a single parent to three children of my own (DSD's half siblings).
For context, I haven't seen DSD in person since her dad and I separated although we've kept in touch. This contact has mostly been from me, just checking in on how she's doing and trying to arrange for her and my children to see each other and have some semblance of a relationship. Most of the time she either ignores my suggestions for meeting up, or in the rare occasion that we have plans in place she will cancel at the last minute.

Anyway, she has been messaging me on and off for the past year now asking for money. Just £20 here and there, £50 from time to time. She always used to say 'borrow' but I never had a penny returned to my back account. As soon as she's asked I've always replied with a 'sure' and just pinged her the money immediately.
Now she messages you say 'can I nick £40 off you' rather than 'borrow'.

I'm a single parent. This is so hard, I want to help but I can't afford to keep shelling out for her. Her Dad flat out says no to her requests for money, but I guess I feel guilty about him being pretty useless over the years and like I have to pick up some of his slack.
Would I be unreasonable to say no more money? And how do I say it without causing drama or looking stingy or like I don't care for her?

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 26/08/2021 23:13

No no no no no.
With a side of no and a jug of no to wash it down.
She's a CF, she's not your problem and every penny you give her you take from your own children.

OnceTheyDid · 26/08/2021 23:16

'No'.

If you want to be really nice 'no, sorry I don't have any spare money right now'

Halo1234 · 26/08/2021 23:18

No dont give her it. If you could afford to give it easily. If she made an effort out with wanting money. If it was a one off then I would say give her it but its a no to all 3 of the above. Just say you would love to but cant and ask how she is. Give her a update on her siblings. Tell her she is welcome to pop over for dinner. It doesn't need to get nasty but you aren't a money tree. Its OK to say no. You would say no to your own in the same situation.

excelledyourself · 26/08/2021 23:20

Absolutely say no. Any drama, ignore. She's one of life's takers. And yes, she's taking from her siblings, and giving absolutely nothing in return.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2021 23:21

What. The. Fuck. She has one parent, possibly two, you’re neither of them. You’re not even with her dad anymore!

If you want to reply and tell her the gravy train is over go with a simple “I can’t help you out again, please don’t ask, I don’t want it to be awkward between us”.

But given how she mostly ignores you you wouldn’t be wrong to just ignore her when she asks.

She can’t be arsed with her half siblings, you can no longer be arsed giving her cash. Oh well.

Howshouldibehave · 26/08/2021 23:23

Why on earth would you give away your money to a girl who doesn’t want to see you?! Are you an ATM?

Original poster

cheeseisnice · 27/08/2021 00:02

@Howshouldibehave

Why on earth would you give away your money to a girl who doesn’t want to see you?! Are you an ATM?

I really don't know. I think I generally try to be kind to other people, but this is so much more. Her Dad's been shit over the years, which is why I kicked him out ultimately. When we were married the girls would come over for the weekend and I would parent them essentially. The eldest never asked me for a thing, but DSD always wanted me to buy her clothes and makeup and I did so, feeling it was my duty. She needed at least one adult in her life that gave a fuck. But given that I haven't seen her in over 3 years and she lives just 9 miles down the road, I can't keep bank rolling her. I just don't want to be mean....but get a job???

OP posts:

CoasterCoaster · 27/08/2021 00:24

I'd just respond 'sorry I can't, things are tight right now' to every request for money, she will likely ask a few more times and then give up when she realises it's not working anymore. It sounds like you need to hear this so here goes, you have discharged your duty to DSD now, she's an adult and you shouldn't feel guilty for treating her like one. Honestly OP you've done enough

StarryStarrySocks · 27/08/2021 00:30

Why are you giving money to someone you haven't seen in 3 years?! Just stop.

ChickpeaCrunch · 27/08/2021 00:51

Say no. For the sake of your own kids.

Notaroadrunner · 27/08/2021 00:57

For gods sake cop on and stop bankrolling this greedy brat. She won't even make an effort to see her half siblings but is happy to take your money. You are gone 3 years and should not be a target for her to financially abuse.

Next time she texts, all you have to do is text back 'I am no longer in a position to give you money'. And leave it at that. If she asks again you just ignore the request.

Notaroadrunner · 27/08/2021 00:59

Also, delete her bank details so you cannot be tempted to just send money to her.

Original poster

cheeseisnice · 27/08/2021 01:26

I've replied to her message telling her that unfortunately I can't help her any more and that if she's desperate maybe she should ask her parents. I'm a single parent and have three mouths to feed with almost no help from ExH.

Obviously I didn't say the very last part, but she knows he's never really helped me financially.

I feel like shit actually. I'd always hoped that she would grow as a person and want to know her half siblings. I feel a bit like I just buried any chance of that, but on the other hand there would never have been a genuine relationship there anyway. God...why do I feel like I'm failing my child or something? She's not my responsibility, not any more.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2021 01:29

You haven't seen her in 3 years and she only lives 9nmiles away? She is clearly using you. She doesn't want a relationship with you, just your money! Say no. Your other children deserve that money more than she does. There's being nice, but this is door mat level. Set a good.example to your children. She ll be hitting up her siblings when they're old enough.

PurpleSapphire · 27/08/2021 01:48

Absolutely NO. I used to lend money to my ex partner's adult daughter, ok, it was small amounts and she did pay it back but my own family would go short that week. She lived beyond her means and then came crying to us that she had no nappies. She actually had a bigger income than us, it was taking the mick. She's not your responsibility, she has her own parents. Don't feel guilty for one second!

candlelightsatdawn · 27/08/2021 06:30

OP this is a sad one. The problem is that although you felt it was your duty to step into the void but there are no bonds that tie, it's a common mistake SP do because they get emotionally with SC and then the relationship breaks down and most SC know the score or even feel disloyal to their dad/mum by keeping in touch.

I know why you have been doing to keep the door open, but if she wants to come through it it has to be because she chooses too not because of the money.

Send birthday cards, send Christmas cards and check in but the money thing has to stop. You may find she respects you more for it. After the initial shock of being told no goes down !

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/08/2021 09:41

You're too nice OP. Don't feel guilty for putting your foot down this time. She clearly would have kept taking and taking if you hadn't said no. You're not helping her in the long run - she needs to grow up and support herself.

Dollyparton3 · 27/08/2021 14:49

I have a relative who is now a pensioner and her adult stepdaughter still does this to her to varying degrees. Never contacts unless she wants money and goes AWOL the rest of the time.

If you want it to not go on that far then keep resisting. You'll harden to it eventually

Original poster

cheeseisnice · 27/08/2021 17:29

She's finally replied and just said 'ok, no worries. xxxxx'
I wonder if that'll be the last I hear from her.

OP posts:

candlelightsatdawn · 27/08/2021 18:41

@cheeseisnice lovely in the nicest sense you cannot buy love. She may come around and she may not but that should never be dependent on money.

Honeymare · 27/08/2021 19:00

I understand the temptation to keep giving her money but you did the right thing. I probably would send another one saying you and your DC would love to see her, does she want to come for dinner during the week.

Newestname002 · 02/09/2021 00:35

@cheeseisnice

I'm glad you've finally said "No", OP.

There will likely be times she'll come back to you to ask for money because she's been so used, over the years, to asking and receiving from you - not her father (and mother?)

If I were you I'd add up how much money you'd "lent" her over the last year - you may get a shock! 🌹

LemonFrog · 02/09/2021 10:45

I'd have been too ashamed to do this at 19. She's not a kid and she makes no effort with you other than to come begging for money? Hopefully it is the last time you hear from her OP because she doesn't exactly sound like a nice person tbh.

MzHz · 02/09/2021 10:50

She’s old enough to know that you get FA from her dad to help with her siblings actually

But as you suspect, you may not hear from her again.

MeridianB · 03/09/2021 09:07

OP you can sleep easily knowing you did everything a good person would do and more. Your tried and tried. You have nothing to feel bad about. 💐

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