Present-giving and step families: how does it work?

[LadyMuck]

Firstly I have to apologise for having a approach this from a viewpoint of almost total ignorance. My brother married a woman who had a son. As far as I know the son has no contact with his father. That said my brother has not adopted this child, nor did his wedding include any promise to look after the child (which I understand he could have chosen to do).

My parents feel very clearly that this child is not their grandchild, which has probably strengthened due to the fact that he would almost always not appear on family get-togethers (with the reason being that he could not cope with a 40 minute car journey), instead choosing to stay with his maternal grandmother.

Since my brother got married, we, and my parents, have always included this sds in present-giving etc. My brother now has a dd. We typically exchange ideas for Christmas presents as we don't see each other that frequently and there can be a fair amount of duplication. This year my SIL has asked my parents to get a set of DVDs costing £70 for the sds. This seems a bit odd given that she had our wishlist where no item was over £20. She is also insisting that my parents give her dd (16mo)some dvds too as she wants the children to be treated the same.

This has wound my parents up somewhat to say the least. They feel that it is insensitive to expect so much more to be spent on a step-grandchild than on their grandchildren and they definitely don't feel that they could afford to spend that amount on all of their grandchildren. They also feel that they shouldn't have to take the place of the sds's grandparents (they know the father, though clearly they don't rate him terribly highly since he is no longer in contact etc).

So I was just wondering how does it "normally" work? Or is it simply the case that there is no normal? Are my parents being too old-fashioned in their views? I suspect that this would be a total non-issue for our family had it not been for the degree of expectation on behalf of SIL.

I think the main issue here is the demad for £70 to be spent..I think regardless of the feelings that your parents have for gd or sgd, they should politely state that they will find domething within their price range for him, and for their gd.

personnaly i think regardless of the step thing all the children should be treated equally. If your brother marreid a woman who had a son he was taking on hte responsibility regardless of it being mentioned or not. My son is not DHs BUT he gets treated as an equal by all of DHs family. Equally my DSD sister who is not DHs but did live with DH when he was dating DSDs mother is also treated as a grandchild. In our family there is no distinction between step or blood.
Agree that the problem here is the demand for presents. Your parents should politely say thanks for the ideas and we will try and get what you want but will be spending the same on each grandchild.
My MIL spends £25 per GC and then does each child a stocking too and in total she has 8 GC!!!!!

This post made me feel quite sad. My parents, sister, grandparents, even family friends treat my DSC exactly the same as the other children in the family. Everyone gets them christmas/ birthday presents, easter eggs etc. My DM even sent them an advent calender today and is always knitting/ making them things. My DSC feel part of 3 families, their DM's, DP's and mine and all of this has made them very comfortable with me and my family. I suppose I'm (or more so DSC) just really lucky that everyone's been so supportive.
I wouldn't however, ever ask anyone to buy them gifts and when asked what they would like for presents we always suggest something inexpensive. I think that's just common courtesy. Is is possible that your SIL has realised that her DS is being treated differently and is trying to overcompensate for this by asking for expensive gifts?

Agree with bonkerz.

Do you think she meant for your parents to contribute toward the £70 set of DVDs, or to buy £20 worth of them?

My parents have never treated him any differently in terms of presents etc, though they have felt very uncomfortable when he has called them grandad etc. They're fairly set in their ways I guess so it was a bit strange for them to suddenly acquire a 10yo grandson (he is now 13).

I suspect though that it is the money aspect which is at the root of it. The sds recently approached my mother and said that his other grandmother always gave him money when she visited, which seemed a bit forward for a 13yo. And this request is for for a very specific boxed set. I have already suggested that if my parents give some vouchers, then we will do likewise which will then enable him to buy the set.

Out of interest how do the non-step children feel where the step children get gift from 3 sets of grandparents rather than 2?

I have two half brothers, but as they are both older than me I grew up understanding them to be brothers - no different to me than my younger brother when he came along.

They had visits from their real fathers parents and I have to say that they were lovely people. Even though my mother had left their son and remarried they always treated myself and my younger brother with great love and friendship and they always bought us christmas presents too!!

Family these days is a real mix, step siblings, half siblings, full siblings, step parents, biological parents etc

Why let the titles bother you - it's the term family that matters. Extend that umbrella term over as many people as you can in my book. Family are precious and everyone needs someone to love and be loved back.

It would never cross my children's mind to work out whether their step-siblings were getting more than them- I think having 3 or 4 sets of "grandparents" is a pretty minor compensation for being in that situation in the first place to be honest.

We've got a big age gap, but my parents and uncle and brother have always given my stepdd and stepds presents for Christmas. Having said that, the request for a specific, very expensive present is outrageous, and I can see why the hinting about money would make your parents feel uncomfortable. I think your voucher solution is a good one.

I agree with Tamum, I don't have my own biological DC but would hope that when I do that they would not be counting who they got presents from and comparing it to other people. And I'm sure they wouldn't be aware of presents my DSC got from their maternal GP's as that would be done while they are with their DM. I know that it can be difficult for extended step families to know where to set boundaries. My DM did worry about this at first and was concerned that if she did treat them as GC she may be stepping on toes, but at the end of the day having an extra set of relatives does not take anythig away from what they already have.
It does seem inapropriate for a 13 yo to ask for money from anyone though. I also think vouchers are a good idea.

I have an sd who spends every other xmas with us. My mum and gran get her a small present but probably spend more on our own ds. My dad's side of the family don't get her anything but that's because due to being a german family they open pressies on xmas eve so sd is never there and they don't know her. Sd is 11 doesn't expect anything more from my family, she is pleased with what she does get. I know people say they should be treated the same but with my sd she gets loads of pressies from her mum and maternal granmother which my ds does not get.
I do think in your situation that £70 is a bit much to ask. Maybe your parents could get a small pressie and have done eith it. That's what I would do. People have to realise they cannot always get everything they ask for imo.

My parents have four grandchildren (my sister's three children with her husband and my daughter with my partner) and two stepgrandchildren (my partner's two sons). My parents always give my stepsons a present at their birthdays and at Christmas, but not of the same size/value as the present they give their four grandchildren.

My stepsons are thrilled and delighted to get a present from my parents. No-one thinks anything of the fact that my parents spend (much) more on their biological grandchildren.

My Parents and extended family spend money on my DSC presents for Birthday and Christamas easter but I have never asked them to do so. As I am afraid I do think a long the line that my DSC do have their other grandparents so yes it is a case of 3 sets for them and 2 for ours. There is only so much money and my family have a lot of their own grandchildren and family. My DSC are delighted that they receive anything as I am. I would never expect them to spend the same on the DSC as they do on thrie own Grandchildren.

|SAying that my DSC have as much spent on them in our house as the others.

I agree with the voucher idea. I don't really understand why your SiL wants DVDs for 16 month old really. But each to their own.

My mum adores my dss (though she doesn't see him very often due to distance) and always buys him something for his birthday and Xmas, and gives him a small gift on the rare occasions that we visit her with him.
I would certainly not expect her to buy an expensive present for him - he has other family members (including DH and myself) who buy him plenty of presents.
To be honest, I think even if this boy was your brother's biological son I would still think your sil was extremely cheeky demanding her ils to buy such an expensive present. And he clearly needs to improve his manners if he has been dropping heavy hints to your dps about them giving him money - but I guess that's what 13yo boys do

Have only read the OP and my experience is from the other point of view.

Me and DH have a DS. DH's parents are still married so they are DS's biological grandparents. My parents are divorced and both have new spouses/partners. So only half of each new couple is "biologically" my DS's grandparents.

My attitude is to tell DS (who is only very young) that he has 3 sets of grandparents who are all treated equally. I do not think it is constructive for people to be left on the sidelines of families so my mother is his granny, my step mother is his nanny and my MIL is his nana. all the men are his grandads.

Re the OP, the non biological grandchild should (IMHO) be treated the same as the biological grandchildren.

I think the extra set of presents thing is wrong here if the boy is not in touch with his biological father he is not getting presents from that direction. I think the issue here is the £70 present - I wouldn't ask for a £70 present for either of my children. And I think the vouchers idea is a good response to that.

Is it possible that the SIL knows where to get that set very very cheaply.
Just asking because my sister is getting our ds the full set of Roald Dahl CD's RRP £70. BUT she is getting from the book people or similar for a lot less, probably £15 as that is the normal (unspoken) budget.

has she looked at the price on Amazon- usually DVD's are far cheaper on there, she probably doesn't realise they think its £70.

My Mum and Dad always buy something for my SS's for birthdays and Christmas. Granted they don't spend as much on them as my girls, but that's because they are much older (18 and 20). My x-Mil always buys something small for my youngest (not her GC) too, which she doesn't have to do, but I think is sweet.

I agree that the issue here is that your SIL is demanding far too much. Are you sure that there isn't a misunderstanding?