Resent that my husband has older children

[ChoppyStu]

Sorry I just need to write it all down and talk to someone about it as I don't want to say anything to anyone in RL.

My husband and I have one DC, he has two older DC as well.

My husband has now decided that he is done with having children and does not want anymore as 3 is enough. I'm really struggling to get over that and to be honest I am starting to feel really resentful of the fact he has 2 older DC which means he only now wants our one together.

I can't shake the feeling that they are what's stopping me from being able to have more DC.

I know that isn't true and it's not fair to feel this way but I'm struggling to shake it.

I am well aware that I "knew he had DC when I got with him". This is not an issue I foresaw ans we did discuss DC prior to getting married, he knew I wanted DC but I respect that he is obviously allowed to change his mind and decide he's done.

I feel like I can't say anything to anyone, because it's like I'm the only one who's losing out. My husband is happy with 3 DC, my DSC and my DC absolutely adore each other, and I'm the only one who feels like I'm giving something up if that makes sense.

Its a loss and will cause grief. Allow yourself to grieve.

I felt the same as you. We discussed DC pretty early on and I said I wanted 2, he said he wanted 2 in total including DSD. I was in turmoil and eventually said it was a deal breaker as I didn't want to end up unfairly resenting him and DSD for stopping me having my second baby.
He then said he would be happy with 3 in total, he just hadn't realised it meant quite that much to me 🤷‍♀️
I would probably feel a bit cheated if he then told me after marriage and DC1 that he didn't want any more. Equally, that would be his right and circumstances can and do change.
I'd try to focus on what this means for your DC. They still have siblings, as you say they haven't lost out there. You will have more money and flexibility to throw everything you've got and the kitchen sink at your one DC and making sure they have every experience and opportunity you can give them. They don't have to share you.
My DS2 was stillborn and I've been all around the houses about whether to have a third baby as I almost died last time. So I can also understand minds changing.
My DS currently has best of both, he's growing up as an only child with a sibling, although obviously there's nothing I wouldn't do for him to have his brother to grow up with.
Your DC currently has best of both too, and you get too see their lovely relationship with siblings that didn't cost you a single stitch (thats what I tell myself sometimes )

You will have more money and flexibility to throw everything you've got and the kitchen sink at your one DC and making sure they have every experience and opportunity you can give them. They don't have to share you

I struggle with this too though, because I feel under constant pressure to 'treat everyone the same' when I actually just want to be able to do the above with my DC.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DS

Do your step kids live with you? If so, I can see that you'd feel pressure to treat everyone the same. Although their mother would be paying maintenance that would be just for them so even then I'm not sure why anyone would have a problem with your DC also getting money from mum just for them.
If they don't, then your child still exists during the time they are with their mother and any pressure to treat the child in front of you who is yours the same as the children somewhere else who aren't yours is ridiculous.

OP, you are not losing the right or ability to have another child. If you are losing anything, it may be the right to have another child with this particular man.

You think that having 2 children is your threshold for the number of children that you want. Perhaps, he experienced that number and realized that 2 is his threshold as well.

If he feels that he has exhausted the emotional ,physical, and financial capital that he has to provide to a child, would you want him to create a life that he neither wants nor feels that he is adequately prepared to give that child all that he/she would need?

If your need to have another child is greater than your need to remain in this relationship , you may have your answer.

You do not need his permission to become pregnant and he would probably not leave if you did, but that could easily create a strain on your marriage and a world of unhappiness for all of the children involved.

Alternately, you can leave this relationship and either have another child on your own or find a new partner who like you wants a child.

Your husband has made his choice and now you need to make your choice. We often tell our children that life is neither fair nor is it always easy, but sometimes as adults we tend to forget that.

I’d leave him and go have my second child with someone else.

We often tell our children that life is neither fair nor is it always easy, but sometimes as adults we tend to forget that
That often relates to them wanting more chocolate buttons or a dilemma about whether to continue with music or football after school because the finances won't stretch or the schedule clashes.
But yes, aside from that, another fine speech lacking any reference to actual human emotions. 👏

Well I made it clear to my DP I would probably want two DC beforehand, we currently have 1 and he has DSS. I sense that the incentive to want another is smaller for him than it is for me but I would be very resentful if he retrospectively decided two is enough, as he knows I do not have two.

I notice there is a lot of talk of pressure and not being able to talk about things in your post, and I would wager this is a big part of why you are unhappy. He knows full well he is taking something from you, you should absolutely be able to talk about your sadness and grief with him. Is he not open to that? Does he push the mentality that you should be content with your SC on you?

@Youseethethingis
A partner deciding that they do not want or have the emotional or financial capacity to have another child is all about being in touch with both feelings and personal reality.

If you are teaching that your children that life is only unfair when it comes to minor or insignificant things, you are really short changing them. Life can be very unfair on a major scale and it is disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

The OP has not lost the ability to have another child. Is it fair to have another child with a partner who has explicitly stated that they do not want to create another life? If the OP thinks that having 2 children is the desired situation, why would it be unreasonable that het partner has reached the same conclusion?

You and I are not required to share the same opinion. Fortunately, that is not one of the ways in which life is unfair.

Didn't actually say any of that, Tattler, as you'd see if you read my post up thread, which of course you are in no way obliged to do.
OP, I'm sure, knows she can either stay or go. She is struggling with her emotions around it all, which your post failed to acknowledge and in fact slyly compared with childhood disappointments, which is of course where we all start learning that life is unfair.
No, I am not currently teaching my toddler that one day his wife may not want a second child and he will just have to suck it up or find a new life. We are starting with the chocolate buttons.

@ChoppyStu

You will have more money and flexibility to throw everything you've got and the kitchen sink at your one DC and making sure they have every experience and opportunity you can give them. They don't have to share you

I struggle with this too though, because I feel under constant pressure to 'treat everyone the same' when I actually just want to be able to do the above with my DC.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DS

Don't. If you are only having one child you should be able to focus as much time and money on that one child. He has other children so its up to him to split his resources between them.

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, because wanting a child is a very primal need sometimes and hard to ignore. It is not the older childrens fault. It is your husband who is saying no. You do have options. Your child could still see its siblings when it was with its dad

@Tiredoftattler

OP, you are not losing the right or ability to have another child. If you are losing anything, it may be the right to have another child with this particular man.

You think that having 2 children is your threshold for the number of children that you want. Perhaps, he experienced that number and realized that 2 is his threshold as well.

If he feels that he has exhausted the emotional ,physical, and financial capital that he has to provide to a child, would you want him to create a life that he neither wants nor feels that he is adequately prepared to give that child all that he/she would need?

If your need to have another child is greater than your need to remain in this relationship , you may have your answer.

You do not need his permission to become pregnant and he would probably not leave if you did, but that could easily create a strain on your marriage and a world of unhappiness for all of the children involved.

Alternately, you can leave this relationship and either have another child on your own or find a new partner who like you wants a child.

Your husband has made his choice and now you need to make your choice. We often tell our children that life is neither fair nor is it always easy, but sometimes as adults we tend to forget that.

I think this is quite reductive tbh, obviously OP loves her husband and shares a child with him, it's not really as clear cut and logical as this.

I can imagine I would feel the same in OP's situation, and think it would cause me real grief that I would need to work through and talk seriously to my husband about to ensure he knew how strongly I felt about it.

Obviously OP is free to walk away if she only wants another baby and is happy to leave her husband and break up her child's family for that reason, but I think it's completely understandable that that's fairly unlikely.

Thank you for the responses.

Tattler, I'm not sure what the point of your reply is tbh. It just seems like emotionless reciting of facts that I already know. I'm well aware I can leave. I'm well aware it's not actually them stopping me, I'm well aware I could still get pregnant if I wanted to and so on.

@ChoppyStu

It's hard, you need to grieve. But only you can decide what next. Sometimes happiness lies not in getting what you want, but learning to want what you get.

@Tiredoftattler has an unusual delivery, but a wealth of relevant experience. She is one of the few active contributors here who are successfully blending families.

@ChoppyStu
There is no doubt that your situation is painful. It is that pain that drove you to post your problem. I could have simply recognized your pain but that too would only have been stating that which you are already very aware much like you options.

At the end of the day, in solving any problem we can only look at the options before us and make a choice..

It is probably not giving your husband any pleasure to say to you that he does not want another child. He too has to look at the resources - emotional,physical, and financial and decide if he has what he needs to provide for another child. He seems to have looked at that calculus and realized that he cannot give that which any child has a right to expect.

You on the other hand think that you are prepared to offer a child all of the things that they would require. The question for you is are you willing to provide them with a father who does not wish to be a part of the process and one who has decided that he does not wish to be responsible for creating another life?

Nothing that anyone can say is going to alleviate your pain. The pain of loss has to be experienced and worked through. Only by recognizing and choosing to exercise one of the options before you will you begin to move forward.

As cliche as it sounds, you can look at your current situation as a half empty cup or one that is filled enough to give you sustenance and joy.

You have a healthy, loving child. That is more than so many women are able to have. You can have more children if you so choose, it just may not be possible with your current partner. As a child, would you have wanted to be fathered by a man who had neither the need nor desire to be your father?