DSC doesn’t want to see one parent

[GlitterCupcakes]

Hi there, my SO’s DC has decided they don’t want to come over to see my SO anymore. No reason at all given other than they don’t want to as it’s an inconvenience. DSC lives primarily with the other parent and their SO, who live 25 minutes from me and my SO. DSC has not seen my SO in a few months, citing covid worries, my SO went along with this but is putting their foot down now. All parents and stepparents are now fully vaccinated, the child will be fully vaccinated before they return to school. The child is aged 15 and the court ordered schedule is 1 overnight every weekend. The parent the child lives with doesn’t want to get involved and won’t force the child to go see their other parent (my SO). If it’s important, DSC’s parents were never in a relationship so the child has grown up with 2 families. My SO has told the child they can change to every 2 weekends or once a month, but has been told no. Won’t see their parent outside of the house for dinner etc. either. DC is not mature for their age and not as independent as a 15 year old should be.

My SO tried to pick the child up today but was refused access by the parent who “won’t force them to leave the house”. Asked if they could see the child face to face and told they “cannot enter my house”. Other parent has been LC and amicable up until this point.

My SO is reluctant to go back to court because of the child’s age plus the police don’t get involved in custody arrangements here, they have advised we can report it for the official record for our solicitor but that’s it. What’s to stop the other parent from refusing access day 1 after the new court order?

Has anyone been in this situation? What do you do? Just leave the DC alone and hope they come to their senses?

Sounds really hard. What's your partner like as a father and what's his relationship like with his child? Unfortunately, at 15 they are old enough to make up their own minds.. If this is their honest choice without influence from the other parent there isn't much you can do.. The court won't force them at 15. Their wishes and feelings will be listened to. I would say your partner just needs to make sure his child knows he's there and will always be there.. It's a hard one, if you desist in forcing them they'll end up resenting him. If he gives up he'll be accused of not caring. Its not worth going to Court, at 15 the child will be listened to..

If the child is 15 there's nothing you can do.

If you go back to court they will not force a 15yo to see their other parent against their will.

The preference of the child will be listened to by tue court.

All your partner can do is continue to pay maintenance, save up money for his child, send birthday and Christmas cards, keep in touch with the school and stay updated with the gp, maybe even write a letter...it's all the material things, but it'll show he still cares.

The other parent isn't refusing access. The child is, and at 15, there's not a lot your DP can do, apart from respect their wishes, keep in touch and, let them know they are missed and welcome any time.

I think this is very common. 15 year olds have their own interests and friends and start spending less time with their parents whether they live with them or not.

Your SO needs to really consider why his DS won't nothing to do with him any longer. It won't be because of inconvenience, especially if he offered to just take him out to eat. There is clearly more to it, and your SO should spend his energy acknowledging there is a significant issue, evaluate the situation and try to work out the real reasons, and then communicate with his son.

Otherwise, he will just lose him. A judge would never order him a 15 yo to see him.

@Pebbledashery

Sounds really hard. What's your partner like as a father and what's his relationship like with his child? Unfortunately, at 15 they are old enough to make up their own minds.. If this is their honest choice without influence from the other parent there isn't much you can do.. The court won't force them at 15. Their wishes and feelings will be listened to. I would say your partner just needs to make sure his child knows he's there and will always be there.. It's a hard one, if you desist in forcing them they'll end up resenting him. If he gives up he'll be accused of not caring. Its not worth going to Court, at 15 the child will be listened to..

They are a great parent, always supportive and very involved in terms of school parent meetings, exam prep, helping DSC work through problems, facilitating friends over etc. up until covid/recently.

My worry is that this isn’t the child’s original idea. The other parent made it really difficult for my SO back when DSC was born. Last year DSC made a funny comment about how their parent wished my SO wasn’t in DSC life as things would be easier for their family. The other parent didn’t have one parent in their life so I think DSC may be imitating their parents feelings about their parent, onto my SO. I’m sure this has all been exasperated by covid, possible thoughts of abandonment due to lack of contact in the last few months due to covid which I’m sure the other parent related to their own experience. My SO tried to be as facilitating as they could regarding DSC’s covid worries but ultimately it’s to their detriment.

Is parental alienation an angle here? Possibly but very difficult to prove.

My SO is reluctant to give up as he refuses to be thought of as giving up when he fought so hard (and it cost him a lot of money) to be in my DSC life and everything was perfect pretty much until the start of this year. I must also note my SO offered to pay for counselling for DSC but the other parent refused as they’re “just a teenager” - easy for them to say when they see them every single day.

Can they do video calling so at least they're maintaining contact (albeit at a distance)?

I'm sorry for your SO as that must be so hard but if the child is 15, I'm not sure what they can actually do.

I agree with pp re continuing to pay for all the material things, to show that he still cares (as harsh as that might seem).

OP, the situation seems to have a gap or missing part. An ex who has up until now been low conflict is suddenly refusing access to her house and a child who is adamantly refusing to see his father under any circumstances, sounds a bit more complex than your posting indicates.

At age 15, it is not unusual for kids to want to spend weekend time with peers, school activities, sports, etc. Hanging out with mom or dad is not usually the preferred activity.

What was contact like during covid restrictions? Regular video call? Voice calls? Exchanging emails and silly texts?

Because I think our DP will need to use those exchanges to persuade.

If they don't have any of those habits, why not!

*Other parent has been LC and amicable up until this point.(

Seems odd for them to be behind it, if they've been okay up till now.

I could also understand if SC didn't want to sleep over, but it sounds like they don't want to see dad at all...even for dinner.

I know it seems like there’s a missing part but there is nothing else from our side that we’re aware of. Obviously something has happened with the other parent or with DSC that is influencing their decision to cut my SO out. We are both stumped.

@RoseAndRose

What was contact like during covid restrictions? Regular video call? Voice calls? Exchanging emails and silly texts?

Because I think our DP will need to use those exchanges to persuade.

If they don't have any of those habits, why not!

FaceTime every few days during March - June 2020, plus texts every day, when nobody knew what the virus was capable of, in June 2020 contact resumed and continued until almost 6 months ago when DSC went from in school learning to e-learning and requested they didn’t have to come over because it was “unsafe” due to rising cases in our area which I admit was through the roof so SO agreed. All parties agreed that once things calmed down / vaccine progress happened contact would resume.

Six months ago to now, the facetimes went from every 2-3 days to once a week to every 2 weeks to 0, texts went from long messages to one word answers. DSC didn’t want to come over during the last 6 months - they were asked every Friday how they felt and if they wanted to resume the schedule, always a no. Now SO is lucky if DSC replies at all. Obviously it was a massive mistake to give into DSC request to have no contact over Covid fears as now it’s looking like contact will never resume. DSC is a creature of habit and would stay cooped up in their room 24/7 playing video games if allowed (which DM pretty much allows).

Something has clearly changed but I’m left scratching my head trying to figure out what.

Possibly a girlfriend or new online friends? I feel sympathy for you but my 12 year old is doing the same with his dad (and I know he has good reasons to do this my ex is highly toxic) sometimes it can be a natural progression friends become more important than families

@GlitterCupcakes I read through this one and honestly struggled with it.

You want to help, you want DH to not be in pain and contact to resume which is a noble and lovely thing and I say this next part as a step mum, step daughter and mum and I don't this to be misconstrued.

You have to let this one go, it is not your circus and not your monkeys to solve this, no matter how awful it is, teenagers are fickle creatures and can be a bit like donkeys.

Obviously DH needs to keep lines of communication open, maintaince paid ect but to force the issue may cause DSC to double down.

There could be many reasons why DSC doesn't want to visit or engage and the truth of the matter most teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents they want to do their own thing.

You husband has got to be the adult and separate the does he not want to come here because of broken home (his emotional monkeys) to is DSC just being a teenager (most likely outcome)

DSC isn't a roebix cube, finding out why he's not coming isn't to benefit the child it's to either object to the reasons or overcome them. Ignoring fact that we should be letting teenagers flex their independent in a safe way. He's doing that, you guys need to respect it and chances are he will come around.

More you dig in your heels the more he will go the other way.

I did this as a SC by the way and it lasted pretty much the time people stopped trying to boss me around and I came to my own choice which was spend time with my parents.

You have to drop the rope and you may find that it gets better. Forcing it hasn't helped so far.

I'm sorry for your partner, OP, but the other parent really can't force a 15yo out of the house. They're clearly not blocking contact if they've facilitated it without any issues until the beginning of the year. It sounds more like they don't want to take on the burden of being involved now that SDC is old enough to make their own choices. Which seems fair enough to me.

It is hard on your partner, who sounds like he's been an involved and supportive father so far. But you and he must know that it's not unusual for teens to go through stages of finding their family tedious and embarrassing. And their stock response is to retreat to their rooms and go to ground. They don't want to be forced out for weekly overnight contact where they have to make conversation and engage. The RP has an advantage since the teen depends on them for food, shelter and money, so they may be able to leverage attendance at meals and the occasional walk out of their DC. The NRP doesn't have these advantages so all they can do is continue to offer support and suggest low-key activities like going for a coffee or meal out.

It sounds like a perfect storm of lockdown habit, full-on teen lifestyle and potentially a big dose of parental alienation. It’s very hard to see how your DP can make any headway here without pushing his son further away in the short term.

I agree with PP that he maintains all efforts around texts and FaceTime, however much these go unanswered.

Perhaps DP could write DS a letter sharing his love and commitment, emphasising he’s always there on the phone and his door is always open, that he’d love to see him and hopes that they can spend time together soon. DS can read (and re-read) this anytime he wants and then there is no doubt that his dad is there for him. Suggest DP finds a way to get it to his son that doesn’t involve his ex - email?

Hi OP.
This exact situation is happening in our family at the moment. 15 year old DSD having spent every weekend at our house for her whole life has decided that she now wants to be at her mother’s house full time.
It is sad for DH but we think it’s part of her asserting her independence and having some control over her life. (I wouldn’t want to live in two homes).
My DSD has far fewer boundaries at her mother’s house and is quite controlling of her so I can see why she has opted for her mum’s house over ours. I think the key is to be very welcoming and friendly when they finally do come round.
Maybe your SO could invite his child to the cinema or to go to McDonald’s or something for short get togethers.

Obviously something has happened with the other parent or with DSC that is influencing their decision to cut my SO out

I don't think seeking to blame the Ex will help anyone as you can't be sure. You mention court, when was this?

15 year olds will be making their own decisions, nothing may have happened at either house but they may just feel more relaxed at home. It has been an incredibly challenging time for children/teens so I wouldn't dismiss their covid anxiety. It was very real for many people.

I have found that the teens don't want lots of parental interaction, it is more a case of facilitating them, with friends, activities or school. Did your partner take them to sports?

If your partner is a gentle and kind parent then dsc will return contact. Are there step or half siblings with you?

There may be stuff going on in their relationship that you don't know about. Please don't blame the ex. My own daughter chooses not to see her dad any more for very good reasons. Nothing to do with me. But of course my ex blames me for 'ruining their relationship' when he has done that all by himself. I would also agree that it's not really your business.

It is sad for DH but we think it’s part of her asserting her independence and having some control over her life. (I wouldn’t want to live in two homes).

I imagine part of it is this. You said the court-ordered contact was 1 overnight every weekend. I wouldn't want to have to pack a bag and sleep somewhere else for one night every week and never have a relaxing weekend in my own home.

What @Goldbar said 🔽

"It is sad for DH but we think it’s part of her asserting her independence and having some control over her life. (I wouldn’t want to live in two homes)."

I imagine part of it is this. You said the court-ordered contact was 1 overnight every weekend. I wouldn't want to have to pack a bag and sleep somewhere else for one night every week and never have a relaxing weekend in my own home.

I think DH just had to keep it casual and not put pressure on to meet up. Maybe just every week text and ask if they want to go out for food or something so the offer is there. And see how they are doing. Keep the lines of communication open.

DP sorry

@Fireflygal ahh now I'm sure you aren't going down this line of this but

Are there step or half siblings with you?

This is pretty much moot point. I very much doubt any have sprung up since April (although OP can correct me) so let's not go down this road.

The SC is being a typical teenager and even let's say there are other children in the house, it's a pretty lame excuse for people to accept - unless SC is basically a live in babysitter or other children are abusive, they have to sleep on sofa when other kids have beds ect. I recognise all this is possible just unlikely if the dad has fought tooth and nail for contact.

I didn't like living with my siblings or half siblings but never did I say right I hate it here because they are here and I'm that self absorbed that I can't stand not being the one and only light in this world and must only stay at my dads.

I mean there are teenagers that say this but it's a pretty lame excuse unless there's actually a real reason other than I don't like it, it's up to adults to create well rounded people. Some kids want to be a only children but it's not a option because children don't make those choices and because they are typically bad at assessing wants vs needs. Aka my child would say she needs stay up until 3am on school night not eat dinner and eat sweets all night when it's actually a want.

Anyway that's a tangent for you.

This SC is being a typical teenager and doing a typical teenage thing. It's far far more likely that he may have more freedom or it's just easier/less hassle at his mums. He will come back at some point. Teenagers aren't known for being the most empathetic creatures either.

Willing to stand corrected on any of these points.