when will the x wife stop interfering

[tigga1965]

ive been liveing with my partner for a year now both of us divorced with kids my self 2 girls 20 and 15 my partner 5 and 7 girl and boy , both of us with traumatic divorces, we plan to remarry next year all of us get on really well apart from the x wife filling her kids heads full of rubbish we have them at weekends and do our upmost to make them happy and comfortable myself treating them like my own but with every step forward i take with my part time step children the x nocks us back as soon as they get home , constantly ring and picking fault with everything we do for them and is now slowly turning them against myself and my 2 daughters which is putting a tremendous strain on our relationship im at my wits end with it all and find my self now backing off from the hole situation , i love my partner like there is no tomorrow but cant put up with the constant remarks that she is telling the children to come out with when they are here will some one please help and give me some advice on how to deal with all this ,

They are too young to understand and will confused too I'm sure.
Try to take a step back and a deep breath and don't treat them like your own - they are not your own.
Treat them with kindness and compassion and never (easier said than done) rubbish their mum or make snide comments about her.
They will grow up to make sense of the situation in their own minds based on what they experienced as the reality of being in your home not on what lies they have been fed.
If their mum rings and picks faults try to stay emotionally detached and ask for her opinion nicely. If she can't be reasonable don't speak to her.

My DH has a dd with his exp and since we got married the exp has turned into a nightmare, demanding and just picking fault with everything we do.

My Dh and i had a long chat about what we were going to do about the situation and actually spoke to exp. We told her that all she really needed to worry about was that DD was happy and looked after when she is with us. we have dd every weekend and half the holidays. We also told exp that we would not dream of telling her what to do when dd was with her and would appreciate the same back from her.

She still tries to pick at us and demand but now is aware that we aint giving in and tends to back down quite quickly. Your step children are older thn mine but im sure if they were not happy they would let you know. Have a chat with ex and explin that you both love the children and in future any problems she has need to be kept away from the children. I think that you are right to treat the children as your own as that is what i do. I want dd to feel loved and secure at our home and so treat her like my child, if you take a setep back then you wiull be giving into her as she probably resents you and dp getting together. You have to stand together and show you both are strong and can cope even if that means not seeing the children for abit and going through court to sort it out! (exp has threatened a number of times but its emotional blackmail and if we let her win she would use it against us all the time.)

Sorry if ranting and goodluck.

I agree with both goosey and bonkerz here. Stick with it hun.

Keep repeating to her that all she need to know is that her the children are happy and cared for and that they love visiting their dad.

Give it time. Easy said than done but it will subside. The children are too young to understand. All they know is that you are the person who lives with their dad. All they understand is what BM tells them. (I've had it all!)

This won't last too long. I am not sure if you said how long your dp has been severed from BM.

Took my BM 3 to 4 yrs to pack in her nonsense. Sd is now 18 and knows which side her bread is buttered, Ss is nearly 10 and we still have a little prob with him but it is slowly getting sorted.
I've had threats of the police, she has stopped them visiting on a number of occasions, etc...
It is hurtful at the time but it will subside.

Detach Detach Detach.

Talk to dp - he sounds a good bloke. Let him know you are not moaning but you need to talk about your feelings to someone.

Stick with it. You are both worth it.
You have successfully brought up two children of your own. BM is certainly jealous, and who can blame her??? You are obviously better than her at being a partner! She will soon realise that if she carries on this way, you will also be the best mother too!

I agree with jojo38. Ignore her as much as possible, its a very boring game if no one plays back. My dh's was the same. After 3 yrs she has started to improve and now we are in our fourth year things are better. We absolutly tried to keep her happy but she kept uping the anti and we, or I was running around like a headless chicken. Just started to ignore absolutly every thing except the basics ie arrangements and that seems to be working. Certainly back off from BM as I too can no longer handle taking to BM but remember that when the kids are with you and you treat them right they will know whats right. It might p* her off but she will soon get the message. in the end the children will see for themselves the truth. Time will tell...

I ment talking to BM. Rubbish at typing .

where can i begin to thankyou for the lovely messages of kind help and advice you have left me, its so comforting to know that im not alone on this one and there are others in same position as we are, As for being able to talk to bm ive tried on several occasions but she wont listen so ive given up im sure she thinks im some sort of alian, she wont even talk to my dp not a word even when he drops them off and picks up the only response he gets is when bm screams down phone complaining, a couple of examples is solicitors letters stating were not allowed to sleep in same bed when children are over , not to let them go home tired after staying weekend and my dds 20 and 15 are not allowed to babysit under no circumstances if we nip out even after a year of living together, my sd had a friend over at the weekend to stay for the first time and loved it it was endless play but when we went to drop sd and ss off home on the way sd said worriedly where are we going to hide friend from mummy she cant see her with me which i found disturbing and really bizarre , sd and ss have also been told they are not allowed to wear clothes that we buy them,the children are so mixed up and i dont think bm realises what she is doing to them, i dont consider myself an alian at all just someone who fell in love with there dad and wants to help him give his children and mine the best in life while they are with us , we never bitch there mum while they are over totally the opposite , but now i really feel she is doing her upmost to turn them against us , once again thanks for your messages , Tigga

Tigga, your story sounds so sad. I always feel for teh children in these circumsatnces. I agree with reflection - 'its very boring if no one plays back'.
Dh's ex likes to mess us around alot - whether its intentional or not I'm unsure. I'd like to give her the benefit of doubt but after 4 years.....
Its upsetting but what bugs me the most is the control she has - the power to affect our lives.E.g to cancel us seeing the children with 30 hrs notice and ruin our weekend. However we have dealt with it by not letting her see how she affects us - whatever she changes she always gets an 'o.k' response from us. The last straw for us was no to letting us have them for some of xmas day. That really upset us. So we have now taken her power away. And the next time she needs a sitter for a hair appointment or such like she can go whistle. It'll be a big fat 'sorry we're busy' - in the nicest possible way.
Rant over.

one thing i would like to add is my dp was divorced a year before we met and myself 5yrs just to put peeps in the picture .

Hi, just thought you might like a step child's view on this:

My BM walked out and left myself and my sister with father. When he re-married, both my stepmother and birth-mother spent most of the time tearing each other apart to us. Please, please, for the sake of the children, try not to load any of this onto them. It sounds to me like you are trying, but the BM is feeling threatened. My advice, is to take your lead from the children.

Don't treat them like they're your own children unless they seem comfortable with it, Dad's new partner will never be their mother, and at that age, they're more likely to resent you if they think you're trying to replace her. Never EVER say anything bad about her when they can hear, and politely suggest to their mother that the children would likely find dealing with the separation easier if she and your partner kept their squabbling to times when the children aren't there.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here, it's the other woman that needs this advice, not you, but the attitude between my mother and step-mother has really damaged my sister and myself, I'd hate to see it inflicted on another family.

How you getting on tigga? Not easy is it... it will get better. You need to have some plan as to how to get your dh to support you more. You should have no contact with this woman. The responsibility lies with the children's father, and obviously the BM has a say... not you tho. Not meaning to sound horrid, but you are not legally responsible for these children. You do it because you are manipulated into doing so... and of course, someone has to be sensible and care for these poor mites.
Unfortunately you are being played for a mug. Don't let it carry on this way. You must detach.

Kirk1 - you are right in what you say - it is good to hear your view. It is very important to take a step back and look at things from every angle.

Tigga, you have a choice. The one you are taking will not win you medals. Although I think you deserve one for putting up with being treated this way. Take stock of Kirk1's view too... throw it all in a bag, jumble it up and then take time to think EVERYTHING through... this is not just about being a step mum... This is about being you.

HUGS!

Ha! My dh's ex also went ballistic when we invited one of her friends for a sleepover without asking her (the ex's) permission! We know the parents and the child, she was a classmate of his daughter and very happy to come. Guess what she did? She rang the other parents in a temper and told them that our house was dangerous ! yeah, so dangerous her own daughter had lived there for the first four years of her life and stayed nearly every weekend since. Outrageous. I'd actually forgotten that happened. She was extremely threatened that we were on 'her turf' as she saw it. I don't think she do anything like that now so sometimes time alone can sort things out. I NEVER speak to her and she refuses to speak to me. I leave it to dh. Try to ignore her stupidity. Just because a solicitor wrote the letter does not mean it has any force or power over you at all. We got stuff like that too. Of course I never and have never said a bad word about her mother to my stepdaughter and never will and we don't talk about problems - though dh did have to tell her that her friend couldn't stay because mummy was very cross about it and we told her that we always wanted to see her but sometimes mummy didn't let her as we didn't want her to feel rejected by her father. Just try to keep as calm as you can. She will eventually probably calm down herself and things will become easier.