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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dictating timings

15 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 19/08/2021 14:45

Would like some impartial advice on a subject that has cropped up here over the hols.
When we have DSD here at weekends or in the holidays a set time has always been agreed previously, however this holiday her Mum has been telling DP it needs to be an earlier time and this is creeping earlier each time.
I feel sometimes it isn't convenient for it to be too early if we have something we need to do for example we had an appointment this week.

After a heated discussion DP said his ex should be able to dictate what time she drops her off and picks her up.
For clarity, Mum does not work. She is also very dictorial about when DP can/can't see their DD at times, for example her partners kids came for 2 weeks to stay and during that time my DP was not allowed to see his own daughter as they were having family time! His DD lives 3 miles away so very easy to pop over even if briefly.

DP does all of the running round after his DD as Mum won't.
Is this a reasonable request that she can always dictate timings?

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AndSoFinally · 19/08/2021 14:59

Just go to court and formalise the contact arrangements. Problem solved

Original poster

Festivalgirl83 · 19/08/2021 15:06

That's tricky though as days have to change each week due to DP's shift pattern so don't think that would work

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 19/08/2021 15:06

How old is the daughter and how much time does she spend in each house normally?

Original poster

Festivalgirl83 · 19/08/2021 15:14

She is 8 and is here normally 3 times a week

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 19/08/2021 15:59

@Festivalgirl83

That's tricky though as days have to change each week due to DP's shift pattern so don't think that would work

Surely then your DPs work is dictating contact times more than his ex is ....

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/08/2021 16:10

Surely he’s glad of the extra time though?

salllysue · 19/08/2021 16:14

I was going to say the same as another poster, if your DP has shift patterns that his ex needs to work around, then surely he is doing the majority of the dictating?

Driftingblue · 19/08/2021 16:18

If your DP needs flexibility because of work pattern then flexibility must be reciprocated. Things like set times come with set days and set holidays.

CabbagesGreen · 19/08/2021 16:22

After a heated discussion DP said his ex should be able to dictate what time she drops her off and picks her up well I guess that's up to DP really, and if he needs the flexibility then he has to be flexible toom I get why its a pain for you if you want to plan anything though.

Original poster

Festivalgirl83 · 19/08/2021 16:29

@salllysue

I was going to say the same as another poster, if your DP has shift patterns that his ex needs to work around, then surely he is doing the majority of the dictating?

There is only 2 days a week he can't do as he is on 12 hour day shifts. He can do any of the other 5 days even when he is on nights

OP posts:

snzow · 19/08/2021 16:35

You also say your DP does all the running around after DD as her mum does nothing. But then you also say her mum drops her off & picks her up.

If the mum is doing the drop off & picks up and is being flexible re contact to accommodate your DPs shifts I'd say she's being more than reasonable.

Also, most separated parents have a 2 week holiday block over the summer. Just cos they didn't go abroad doesn't mean she shouldn't get this? I assume your DP would be allowed the same if he wanted?

Youseethethingis · 19/08/2021 17:02

Basically what @snzow said.
However I would say that flexibility is not the same as having last minute demands granted regardless of what everyone else is doing.
If she wants to drop her off early but there are other plans in place that mean it can't happen then it can't happen. She doesn't have a leg to stand on because it was a last minute thing.
If she wants to drop her off early and it's not a problem then its not a problem.
If he wants to jump to attention for his ex regardless, then thats his choice, but I'd not be particularly going out of my way to facilitate it. It's his monster he's creating, he can deal with it himself.

Lou98 · 19/08/2021 17:12

When you say they're with you 3 times a week, is that 3 days or overnights? Just you've mentioned that your partner takes them even if he's working nights.

Surely if it's just days he does then taking them earlier in the day makes sense?
I think a lot of whether she is being U or not depends on what time you normally take them, if you don't normally pick them up until after lunch for example and drop them back off after dinner then she's not really getting much time to herself on the days you have her.

Personally I would take contact days as starting in the morning unless it suits both parties not to.

Unfortunately if your DP isn't in a position to take her to court for set days then there isn't much you can do, whether that's right or not.

Flexibility requires give and take - it doesn't matter if it's only 2 days a week he can't do, if they change each week then he needs the flexibility as much as she does

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2021 19:21

When you say it wasn't convenient because you had an appointment, what do you mean, did you have to miss it as a result?

excelledyourself · 19/08/2021 19:51

Well things have certainly changed since your last post, when your DSD had NEVER stayed overnight, mum worked 3 days a week, and your DP was doing all the driving. Oh, and you wanted to know if you could pay less maintenance.

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